I can't sleep...

its 1:30 in the morning!! I've been having problems sleeping lately...of course this has been an on going battle for me ever since I can remember. I remember when i used to live at the parents i used to look out the window and eavesdrop on the gang bangers. "I did this girl!! real good!!"..i had no idea what they were talking about back then but it kept me entertained at 2 in the morning. Many people have suggested that i take sleeping pills but i refuse to start taking them. I don't know why i don't feel comfortable taking them. I guess i figure i have been going through this all my life and have somehow survived so why start now.

But enough about that, so this evening my sister came downstairs to my place. We talked about what was going to be happening for New Years Eve in regards to the food. Of course there will the traditional pozole but that's actually for New Years Day. Apparently the other sisters have decided that we will be catering...which to be honest i think is great!! There are many reasons why i don't like the holidays...and as the years have gone by they just keep piling up...but the one thing that truly annoys me is the whole food situation!! "pues yo no voy traer nada porque ni siquiera ayudan!!" "yo hice esto el ano pasado y no se lo comieron!!" "mommy can't do this anymore so if you want it ask your wife to cook it!!". It's just constant nagging!! AND criticizing!!! Like i told my nephew yesterday "i HAVE to be drunk when i go to the parents to be with the entire family!" "it helps that your a happy drunk tia" my nephew replies (he truly understand me..hehehehe). I was also telling my sister today that i really don't like going to the parents because that house just brings back alot of feelings and memories that i have worked so hard to forget about. Its sad to say but i don't have very fond memories of that house, i hated living there!! Don't get me wrong, i appreciate the fact that i had a home, i had food, i had both parents and my sisters and brothers but i have really bad memories about that place that have truly left me traumatized and wondering about the type of person i would be had alot of those things not happened to me. I don't think i have to say how much i love my family, i really do!! I would do anything for them!! ANYTHING...i just wish i didn't feel the way i do every time i have to go to that house.

santis de-virginized me!!!

I had never ever in my entire life had a polish from Maxwell!! AND today Santis made it happen!! omg, it was delicious!! I've only heard about how great these polishes were and stories about how people tend to stop there after a night of drinking... which i will totally do next time i'm out drinking!!...but i've never gone to "Maxwell" to get a polish sausage.

So we are driving to the "drive through" and santis tells me "all these cars are here for the same reason, a polish!!" As we are looking for a parking space i noticed that people are eating in there car. i asked santis "are we going to eat in the car too?" he tells me "that's the way to do it!" we get out of the car, buy the polishe sausages and go back to the car. It as the bestest lunch ever!!

i had my first good day!!

yes i had my first good day at work!! i think i'm finally getting on the doctors good side.

i walked in the clinic and saw the doctor walking towards me. i asked my usual question "do we have any new patients today?" and she started responding with her usual answer but then surprised me by saying "I'm bombarded today but the charts are in my office, you can look through them and see if there are any new ones" i said "thank you" but in head i was doing back flips!!! i was thinking "holy crap!!! is she really allowing me to do that!?!?" AND it gets better!! I'm in my office when a the nurse calls to tell me that the doctor had asked her to call me so that i could try to reach a patient because " i had a good record of doing that." OMG!!! i really didn't think the doctor was noticing anything i did!!!

yes, indeed a good day...

good times...

so i guess i had a good weekend even though De La Hoya lost!!!! but at least the Bears won...

I had the guys over this weekend to watch the fight. Dino brought over the projector and he set it up in the living room. Bean brought 5 cases of beer, some frozen pizzas and chicken wings. Pokey Reese, along with his dad, brought a bottle of tequila. Mr. Motorcycle brought his cousin and his enthusiasm. Jewels brought the chips and dip. Elle brought a bottle a wine. I made some mini sub sandwiches and some cup cakes. Am i missing something or someone? HELL NO!!! we had us some good time!!! we were all hyped up for the fight, drinking and placing bets ...jewels won!!...and then we were let down!!! UNBELIEVABLE!! I knew De La Hoya was going to loose but i never ever thought he was going to give up!! AND so soon!! oh well such is life...we did have a great time.

The best part of the weekend though was waking up on Sunday, going upstairs to my sister's and having a bowl of Pozole...yummy!! it hit the spot!!! my sister and i talked about the fight and how goofy my friends are. This was Jewels first time watching a fight...she didn't even know who De La Hoya was!!...so throughout the fight she kept saying "no, don't hit his face!! not his face!!" covering her eyes and asking me to let her know when it was over "because he was too cute to be hit on the face". Jewels was funny...good times

running late...

I was running late this morning and everything that could have gone wrong did!! why is that?

Anywho, i missed my first bus then got on the "local bus" instead of the express bus so the bus would stop in every freakin' bus stop. Two individuals that were on wheel chairs got on and off the bus before my bus stop, that takes alot time. Then some mentally challanged kids (not a joke) who were apparently going on a field trip got on the bus...the adults supervising them seemed to be overwhelmed. AND there was construction on Ashland and Roosevelt and Ashland and Harrison, my destination was Ashland and Division. A ride that should have taken 15 minutes took 1 hour!! I usually call my patients to let them know that I'm running late but today I didn't...had other stuff on my mind. My patient however called ME instead. I was so embarrassed. All was well though. I saw her, she is healthy and looking good for a 72 year old. I was planning on doing some hours at the Oncology clinic but opted not to. I'll just have to do that tomorrow.

you know what though, I am having a good hair day..hehehhehe

I'm bitter this week!!!

I don't like the holidays!!! AND this week i was supposed to have my baby!!! AND one of the doctor's whom i work with pissed me off today!!! AUGH!!! i really want this freakin' week to be over. no point no moral just thought i would share this...

HELLO...

I'm back from Mazatlan!!! I wish I was back there!!! the weather was perfect!!! well actually it was hot as hell but I didn't really feel it because I was either on the beach or in the pool at the hotel I was staying at. I soooooo didn't want to come back!!!! I had sooo much fun!! I went parasailing, drank pacificos like there was no tomorrow and danced at Mambo Cafe almost every night. I even got to meet Emilio Estafan!!! Nice dude, very polite. I ate shrimp every day, the guys at the bar from the hotel became my buddies, and I got a really nice suntan. What else could I have asked for!?!

After my Mazatlan trip, I went to Atlanta to a 4 day conference for work. Must say that I wasn't really impressed with Atlanta...not much to do over there. Well, actually I didn't really try to do much. Every day after the daily conference I was mentally exhausted. I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and chill. I was also starting to get homesick. I hadn't been to my place in over two weeks!!! I went to Atlanta right after my trip from Mazatlan. I came back on a Sunday from Mazatlan picked up my other suitcase...I had it ready with conferency clothes... and head it back to the airport. I didn't even get a chance to chat with Kachito. So by Friday I was anxious to see him!! yeah, yeah, I'm a dork but I don't care. I was starting to miss Kachito a whole lot.

I also just wanted to come home to my sister and cry...my baby's due date was November 27th...this is really the real reason for me to wanting to come back home. As much fun as I had in Mazatlan that thought always came to my mind and it only got worse when I was in Atlanta.

Sorry for closing on such a depressing note...but I do appreciate you allowing me to do so.

Mazatlan here I come!!!

I'll be going on a very well deserved vacation...if I do say so myself!!! I'm going to a Halloween Party (I'm going to be a cowgirl, yeehaaaw!!) tomorrow night and from there I'll go straight to airport (my flight leaves at 4 in the morning) and catch my flight to Mazatlan!! oooh I can't wait!!! I'll be going with a group of friends whom are loads of fun!!mostly because they like to drink as well, ehehehehe. I cant wait to be drinking una pacifico by the pool, relaxing and chillin'.... laters.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

deep fried fish...

yummy!!!

Mr. motorcycle came over this past Saturday, brought some fish, potatoes, garlic, and his enthusiasm of cooking. My sister has a deep fryer, the kind that is used to deep fry a turkey, so we took it out to the back yard and fried ourselves some fish!!! It was perfect weather for it!! I called my nephew, Rocker Dude, and Mr. Motorcycle called Mr. Bean, Mr. AL, and Mr. Dino. We had ourselves some good times. We had ourselves a good dinner and drinks while watching the game. I'm for Tampa Bay but by the looks of it Philadelphia has it in the bag :-(

As much fun as I had this weekend with the guys, I had to ask myself ..."why do i always become one of the guys?" I've asked Mr. motorcycle and Santis and they tell me that its because guys tend to feel comfortable with me so they start talking about things they normally wouldn't talk to a girl about. I don't know how i feel about this. I do have fun with the guys but sometimes I wish I had girl friends...i only have two, Chanclita is one of them (I think she considers me a friend). At the same time, though, I have always found guys waaay more fun than girls....no offense. Is there something wrong with me?

apple picking...

La familia and I went to our annual apple picking family event this weekend. as usual we got lost...you would figure we would now where this place is considering we go there every year!! as usual we all got frustrated but at the end we laughed about it. I got myself some gala, mcintosh and golden delicious apples!! yummy!! i also got some cider, apple cinnomon and pumpkin donuts!! i love going to that place!! i just hope one year i wont get frustrated!!

YAY!!!!!

I GOT TO RIDE ON MR. MOTORCYLES BIKE!!!!

The wind blowing hair away from my face as I leaned towards him on purposed because "i was nervous"...hehehehhe

MISC...

I HATE WORKING WITH DOCTORS!!!!!

misc. thoughts

this morning on my ride to work i started thinking about "why do men cheat?" Oprah, yes i'm mentioning Oprah, did a couple of shows a few weeks ago and what it came down to...according to the psychologist on the show who happened to be a man... was that it was the woman's fault!!! it is the woman that makes the man feel alone, not wanted or needed therefore the man goes to find it somewhere else. according to the show, it has nothing to do with sex. does it really have nothing to do with sex? i'm a huuuuge believer that everything boils down to sex.

i don't know why i started thinking about this...i just thought i would share.

should i get her attention...

this morning on my way to work i saw a grade school friend. as i saw her get on the bus i was wondering if i should talk to her. she hadn't seen me yet so if i wanted i could have totally ignored her. i opted not to. I've known this girl since we were in 7th grade then we went to high school together. we haven't seen each other in over 15 years!! she still remembered me...last name and shiii. she asked me the usual questions, are you married? do you have any kids? where do you work? you still leave the hood ha? I TOTALLY HATE THESE QUESTIONS!!!! i only hate being asked these question from grade and high school friends though. i don't know why but that just annoys the crap out of me!!! anybody else can ask me this but when it's someone that i haven't seen in years it just makes me feel like they are asking to see who is doing better. does that make sense? anyway, once we got past that it was better. we mostly talked about her kids...beautiful kids by the way. i'm glad i got her attention.

wierd weather...

talk about chicago weather!!! i'm all into reading my patients notes...okay i was also really reading Joel's blog about his freaky co-worker when i look out the window. its sunny now!!! it was gloomy and pouring just a few minutes ago!! totally works out for me because i need to go to the store after work. anywho, no point no moral just thought i would share this with you.

waiting for the bus...

a couple of months ago i was waiting for the bus on Grand and Homan. I was minding my own business listening to my i-pod. The bus was taking forever to get there...about 45 minutes...but i didn't mind because i had extra time to kill and the weather was perfect. not too hot on this particular day. there was another person waiting for the bus and he was getting very very impatient. walking back and forth to see if the bus was coming. about 20 minutes of waiting, i noticed a girl with skin tight jeans and a wife beater shirt that was cut off to her belly button. young pretty girl but had that look of "i only fuck for money"on her face. she walked over to me asking for a light. "sorry, don't have one". she then walked over to the guy that was also waiting for the bus. she, however, walked very seductively towards him. gave him the "i know you want some of this" look. He smiled and says "don't smoke honey" before she even asked him. he then proceeded to go the middle of the street to see if the bus was coming. it was obvious to the girl that she was being challenged. she walked away, again very seductively, to a store that was near by. she kept looking back at the guy with the "i know you want me asshole!!" look on her face. she came back smoking her cigarette. walked towards the guy. she is now facing the guy, drops the cigarette, looks at him, swings her booty towards him and bends down to pick it up. starts walking away barely touching his arm with hers and continues walking. I'm thinking "this guy ain't pursuing you because he ain't got money!!!" sure enough the guys starts talking to me. he just got out of jail for beating up his brother and he was on his way to see his parole officer. no wonder hewas sooo impatient. he was going to get his ass locked if that bus didn't come soon!!

somebody love's you...

i'm in my new office listening to Patti LaBelle's "somebody loves you" song and have decided that i want to blog. I still don't know what i'm doing with my life but so far i've started a new job. I'm a Patient Navigator/Research Assistant at the Oncology Clinic at UIC (University of Illinois) hospital. I work with newly diagnosed breast and cervical cancer patients. I meet with patients and try to assist them as much as i can through the whole process. i mostly do alot counseling and have the patient cry on my shoulder...this is the patient navigator part of the job. The research assistant part of the job is way more difficult i believe. mostly because i have to find a way to ask newly diagnosed patients a total of about 60 questions regarding their experience with the health care system in the past. REALLY?!?!?!? these women just found out they have cancer!!!! they don't want to answer questions about the health care system!!! I usually try my best to listen to them on their first visit. I explain to them what my role is and then tell them that i will be looking for them in a few weeks when they come back for radiation and/or chemotherapy to ask them some questions. i'm trying not to get too involved with these patients but i must admit that on my ride home i think about them. about the "WHY ME?" question they all seem to ask. my new boss is pushing me to go to the school of public health to get my master's. she thinks i have it in me to be a great researcher and with a master's she can get me to work with her on future projects. so far she has been GREAT!! but like i said before i still feel lost...i hope this is just a phase i'm going through and if it is i wanted to be over soon!!

taking a break...

my fellow bloggers i need a break from everything...EVERYTHING. i haven't been myself for a while and i need to do some soul searching. unfortunately i wont be going to india or some other place that is known for finding your soul. i'll still be in chicago walking down the streets with a dazed and confused look on my face. so 'till then my fellow bloggers....

its time to party!!!!

my birthday party is this weekend!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! you know its really wierd. i really don't make a big deal about my birthday to my non-blogger friends. I tend to be more excited about my birthday with you guys....why is that? i wonder...

Anyway, i wasn't going to have a birthday party this year because really i was not feeling up for it...after the miscarriage i just wasnt feeling in a party for myself mood. However, the great friends that i have decided to have party for me at their place!!! Mr. Chef and Mr. China i love you!!!! the theme for my birthday party is STRAWBERRIES!!!!! strawberries are my favorite fruit!!! just like i do for all my birthday parties, they too decided to have a contest for this party as well!!! who ever brings the best strawberry gift for me will get a prize!!!!! i cant wait to see the strawberry creations!!! will chanclita win again this year?!?!??! she thinks she has it in the bag again. we shall see...

chillaxing weekend...

i went to michigan this past weekend and it was wonderful!!! michigan is so beautiful. i want to go back. i think i want to live there...NOT!!! it was beautiful but just for a weekend get away. i went to the beach and boy am i paying for it now!!! i look like a lobster!!! i hurt!!! my back hurts, my leg hurts, my face semi-hurts!!! its like i didn't put on sun-block. it was all worth it though. it was just me and my friend mr. chillaxing!!! awsome, sweet and very intelligent guy. we are just friends!!! he has his partner, unfortunetly his partner had to work so he couldn't join us. i hope to be back there soon!!!

ya 'cabe....

I totally fell in love with CANADA!!!!! it is sooooo beautiful!! la familia was very well behaved...well except when it came to deciding where to go to eat. At that point i grabbed my mom and dad. "mami and daddy we will be going to this restaurant over here and let them debate where they want to go", i said. i had a great time with them!!!! The falls were soooo... i cant find the words to describe them. They were more than beautiful!!!

There was a "you had to be there" moment on our way back. We drove to Canada, we took three mini vans. I was with my sister's family...three kids, her husband, my two sisters, and myself. I was pretty comfortable all the way in the back. On our way back home we stopped to eat Wendy's and I kept telling them that in two hours we were all going to have to go to the bathroom. Everybody laughed...it wasn't funny though when my little nephew, still in pampers, pooped!!!!! DAMN!!!! does baby poop STINK!!!!! i was falling asleep when the odor woke me up!!! the baby of course was laughing and saying "ya 'cabe". I know you finished because we can smell it!!! We were all laughing!!! The odor kept getting stronger though!!!! then my older nephew, 14 years old, starts laughing harder. I asked him "are you farting!?!?" "hell yeah, i'm taking advantage!!!" he says. We opened every window in the car!!! It took us 10 minutes to find an exit so my sister could change the baby. It was torture!!! TORTURE I SAY!!!
nothing like being that comfortable with la familia....

Hola...

Hope you all are doing well in your worlds...

I'm doing better...still have my moments but such is life. Life must go on.

I'm supposed to go to Canada...Niagra Falls...this weekend but to be honest i'm not really looking forward to it. The first reason being that Kachito is totally scared of fire crackers. He hates them!!!! He also hates thunder. I don't want to leave him alone on 4th of July. He totally freaks out. It hasn't been an issue before when I lived on the Northside because we really didn't hear any fire works. We use to leave on the third floor. But now that we are back in the hood well the kids are always in the front of the house firing away!!! We live on the first floor. Kachis just stays away from the window and goes underneath the couch 'til he thinks its safe to come out. The second reason, well i'm going with the entire family!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! last time we went on a family trip I swore I would never ever travel with la familia. It always turns out to be huge deal!! I love my family but an entire weekend with them, i don't know how I'm feeling about that. If I decide not to go to Canada I'm sure I'll be hearing alot of "you should have gone!!!", "it was amazing!! and "such and such did this thing it had us all cracking up!!" dont know what to do!!!! MUST decide by tonight because they leave tomorrow. I'll probably end up going. What am I going to do here all by myself anyway. I've already gotten a few invitations to friends houses but to be honest its not the same celebrating a holiday without your familia. I guess i'm going...Canada here I come!!!!!!

hola...

i'm doing better....

i don't have a titel for this post. The very last post i wrote was about something wonderful that happened. I had found out I was pregnant. I really wanted to share this with everybody but i was told to wait after the three months. I waited and i have sad news...this past Friday I had a miscarriage. It has been the saddest day of my life. i'm at home not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone...i'm sorry for not returning phone calls or replying to texts. i really just don't want to feel or think. thinking is the worst part... there are soooo many thoughts and questions going through my head. i know the answers but i just cant seem to comprehend them. "i just wanted to be a mommy", "why doesnt somebody want me to be a mommy?", "ni para eso sirvo!!"...i can't stop thinking these things. i took two weeks off from work but to be honest i really dont want to go back. i know and understand i'm not the only one that has gone or will go through this but i really just want to stay in bed and not feel...

an idiota moment....

last nite i hungout with santis and as usual i had soo much fun. everybody already knows how much i love him, last nite and early this morning* i loved him even more!!! santis i just wanted to tell you thank you for ALWAYS being there for me. this very very early morning was a nite** to remember and i'm glad i shared it with you. Sonrisa wouldn't be Sonrisa without her Santis by her side. Te quiero un chingo guey!!!!!

thanks!!!

*i will explain more later when i get more details!!! i promise

** i say nite instead of morning because it was 1:30 a.m. so technically its still nite...isn't it?

crazy lady on the bus...

i have mentioned before that i have come across the strangest, wierdest and oddest people on the bus. well today i got on the bus, sat down next to this lady that looked nice and quiet. i'm thinking "this will be a nice ride". I took out my book and started reading. within a few seconds, the lady starts mumbling...cant make it out so i just ignored her. but she doesnt stop and she gets louder. "yo les digo que yo no soy criada de nadie" ok? i'm thinking to myself. she starts getting angry!!! "yo tengo que trabajar y no voy a cuidar a nadie!!" she then looks at me and tells me "verdad que si muchachita?" i smile and knod my head yes. at this point i'm no longer reading but pretend i am. she goes on by saying "muchachita, porque los ninos piensan que pueden hacer lo que quieran conmigo?" i look up and im thinking "what the fuck?!??!? i just want to read!!" but tell her "yo no se, senora" and she was going to keep on talking but she then realized that the next stop was hers....thank my fridita for that!!! crazy lady on the bus wouldn't let me read!!!

on a different note. mr. motorcycle got me an ipod!!! yay for me!!! thanx mr. motorcycle!!!!

i love sex...

i love sex!!! if i could have sex 3 times a day, every day i would!!! there i have said it!!! AND with that said let me tell you whats going on....

all of the relationships that i have had ever since i left the abuser have been very sexual. I haven't had a relationship in which we started of just getting to know each other....well we do get to know each other IN BED.!! very well might i add. So anywho, the three people that i was dating have now evaporated down to one. Mr. handsome, the 42 year old, turned to be a very obsessive dude...btw thanx joel for looking out for me...Ms. Eclipse is turning out to be just a very good friend. We've been hanging out alot more but really nothing will ever happen again. Once was more then enough...for both us. NOW mr. cw, OMG!!!! this guy well, we've been seeing each other alot and yes the relationship is very sexual...which is why i want to keep him around for a very very long long time!! ehehehe...seriously, this is quite a different relationship experience for me. turns out mr. cw likes to talk!!!...ABOUT HIS EMOTIONS!!! i know what you are all thinking "the guy is gay"...actually i've thought about that and well i really dont think he is. He just likes to let me about how he is feeling, how his day went, what he plans to do tomorrow, stuff like that. we actually talk!!! it really is nice to have a conversation with someone you find attractive. usually if i find the person attractive and the feeling is mutual it usually just ends up being a sex thing. with Mr. CW is different though. i find him very attractive and he tells me i'm the most "bonita muchacha" and i'm his "corazon"therefore i'm assuming the feeling is mutual. So anywho, i'm not falling in love...i don't believe in it...but i'm just enjoying mr. cw's frienship and lovin'...wink wink

hello there!!!!

so very sorry for not blogging but my life has been a complete shambles...hehehee okay it hasn't i just like to be dramatic about things. so this is whats going on with me....

i quit my job at Sinai...the one in which i worked with the kids that had been arrested for minor offenses. i'm still at Rush...totally love that job. just today i was offered a job at the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation. I will be working in Pilsen and Little Village giving presentations on how to prevent cervical cancer. I'm really excited about this job because i will be focusing on Latino women!!!! i will try my bestest to stick with this job. i'll probably be hanging at chanclitas store more often because most of the presentation will be at El Valor. just around the corner from chanclitas store. YAY for me!!!

i'm dating!!!! yes i am dating...three people actually. two men and a woman. hehehehe. seriously i am. Chanclita and Santis i forgot to mention these other two people last time we talked. The one that i'm taking more seriously will be called mr. handsome...because he is super duper handsome. he is a 42 year old man and he is already looking for someone to settle down with. This totally scares the crap out of me!!!! mr. handsome is very understanding and very caring and a great person overall but just the thought of the possibility of spending the rest of my life with him scares me!!! the guy is great so why am i so scared??!?!?! the next guy we will call mr. CW (construction worker). he works for the city and booooy does he have the body of a construction worker!!!! i want him to be the father of my children!!!!...yes thats how good he looks!!! he makes me laugh...ALOT!!! i feel super duper comfortable with him. AND he has opened up to me about everything. he has talked to me about his family in mexico and his father. how he doesn't really get along with him but wishes he could. he talks to his mom every day. he has a 3 year old baby girl and he constantly talks about how cute she is and then says "when you meet her you are going to fall in love with her!!" "what?!?!?! you want me to meet her?" is what i said the first time he said that. "of course i want you to meet her!!!!" he tells me. yes indeed i feel comfortable with him. not sure if i should mention the third yet, oh what the hell!!! we will call her ms. Eclipse. she is a nice girl and very pretty but i believe she still has alot to experience in life. to be honest she has surprised me quite a bit. we will be going out tomorrow night and i'm actually looking forward to it. maybe i'm attracted to her because i will be showing her new things *wink wink*. seriously, she is a very sweet girl. we are at the "getting to know each other stage" even though we have known each other for a few years already. I don't think anything is going to happen with ms. Eclipse aside then the two of becoming good friends.

so there you have it!!! i had a good christmas and fell asleep before the new year arrived. Kachis continues to be a spoiled brat but i love him that way. my nephew is in college and continues to do great!!! i've been helping out mr. motorcycle alot with his school work. i started working out!!! yes, i am working out!!! its been about three weeks and i think i'm doing good...well accept when i visit my sister upstairs. man, that woman can cook!!!! i had lost 3 pounds last week and i gain them back this week!!! she made homemade tortillas!!!! how can i refuse homemade tortillas!!! AND have i mentioned that it's fucken cold in chicago!!!!! i'm soooo ready for the summer!!!!