Friday, July 30, 2010

well i'm six months pregnant!!! 3 more months and i get to meet my baby. i've been told it will be a girl whom i have decided to name Isabella. my niece already started calling her Chabelita :-)

I'll be very honest, i'm scared! i'm not nervous just very scared. when i decided that i wanted to be a mom i didn't really think it was going to be this difficult. Dont get me wrong, i knew once the baby got here i knew that part was going to be difficult however these past 6 months have been brutal for me... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've become very anti-social which makes me feel horrible because i have been alienating myself from "friends"...i put friends in quotations because my being pregnant has made me realize who truly are my friends and who were just around for the party girl Sonrisa.

I've been on anti-depressant for the last 10 years and had to go cold turkey without them once i got pregnant. I have talked to my doctor about it and she gave me ulternatives but i refuse to take anything for my depression because i don't want anything going wrong with my baby...i would blame myself for not being strong enough if something came out wrong had i taken the route my doctor talked about. i went through withdrawal symptoms which were horrible!!! i find myself not wanting to be around people, they annoyed and continue to annoy me!!

Physically, i'm always tired. i can't walk one block without getting out of breath or feeling like i'm going to pass out...especially on those very hot humid days. My ankles and feet swell up and look like, i actually don't know how to describe it. I have also developed carpal tunnel!! apparently this is normal for some pregnancies. I use to have horrible headaches but they stopped now. The first three months were the worst. Headaches, nausiness, depression, morning (all day) sickness, hormones going crazy, not able to hold anything in stomach. Emotions were out of wack...happy that i was finally going to be a mom but consistantly crying because i was scared of having another miscarriage...craziness!!!! why is it that nobody talks about these things?!!!

I think i'm finally feeling better...i still throw up once in a while but i think it's the baby not digging what i ate. I'm less tired/fatigued. i'm getting huuuge though!! i've tried eating healthy and small portions but i'm ALWAYS hungry!!! People still annoy the crap out of me!!! therefore i have become a hermit!!...a very content hermit!! if people, "friends", don't like it then they can just go blah blah blah themselves!!!

okay, enough with the complaining!!! I seriously can not wait to meet my baby!!! i feel her move in my tummy every day and i keep asking her "what are you doing in there little baby?" I personally think she's having a party in there!!! "hey, i want to be invited!!" i tell her.

I haven't started buying her things or started her room yet...i'm too scared. yes, i understand that i'm over the 3 month stage and that everything "should" be okay but i'm still scared...i had a miscarriage before and well i was left very traumatized, something alot people seem to not understand!! it drives me crazy when i hear things like "you should do this and that..." or "why are you thinking that way?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! that's what i usually want to do when i hear such things!!! i know that there are tons of women who have miscarriages but it happened to ME!!! i'm sorry if people think i'm weak or stupid for thinking this way but again it happened to ME!!!

i was actually going to start decorating her room last weekend but i got some not so very good news from the doctor. my doctor told me that the baby's heartbeat was irregular and "for precautionary" reasons she was sending me to a fetal cardiac specialist. i'm trying my bestest to remain calm but sometimes i just loose it!! i keep telling myself that all will be long as i keep feeling her moving inside my tummy "all will be ok". so now i'm waiting for the fetal cardiac specialist to call me with an appointment. i know everything will be HAS to be ok!!

Chabelita, i can't wait to meet you!!!!