its 1:30 in the morning!! I've been having problems sleeping lately...of course this has been an on going battle for me ever since I can remember. I remember when i used to live at the parents i used to look out the window and eavesdrop on the gang bangers. "I did this girl!! real good!!"..i had no idea what they were talking about back then but it kept me entertained at 2 in the morning. Many people have suggested that i take sleeping pills but i refuse to start taking them. I don't know why i don't feel comfortable taking them. I guess i figure i have been going through this all my life and have somehow survived so why start now.
But enough about that, so this evening my sister came downstairs to my place. We talked about what was going to be happening for New Years Eve in regards to the food. Of course there will the traditional pozole but that's actually for New Years Day. Apparently the other sisters have decided that we will be catering...which to be honest i think is great!! There are many reasons why i don't like the holidays...and as the years have gone by they just keep piling up...but the one thing that truly annoys me is the whole food situation!! "pues yo no voy traer nada porque ni siquiera ayudan!!" "yo hice esto el ano pasado y no se lo comieron!!" "mommy can't do this anymore so if you want it ask your wife to cook it!!". It's just constant nagging!! AND criticizing!!! Like i told my nephew yesterday "i HAVE to be drunk when i go to the parents to be with the entire family!" "it helps that your a happy drunk tia" my nephew replies (he truly understand me..hehehehe). I was also telling my sister today that i really don't like going to the parents because that house just brings back alot of feelings and memories that i have worked so hard to forget about. Its sad to say but i don't have very fond memories of that house, i hated living there!! Don't get me wrong, i appreciate the fact that i had a home, i had food, i had both parents and my sisters and brothers but i have really bad memories about that place that have truly left me traumatized and wondering about the type of person i would be had alot of those things not happened to me. I don't think i have to say how much i love my family, i really do!! I would do anything for them!! ANYTHING...i just wish i didn't feel the way i do every time i have to go to that house.