Monday, September 19, 2005

a weekend confession...

This weekend i had a breakdown. On Friday i went to a party...it was a great party too. there was food, drinks and a mariachi. I was having a great time until i saw someone whom i thought was my ex-boyfriend...the one i can't seem to get over even though he treated me like crap. This relationship has been over for over 5 years!!! 5 YEARS!!!. I'm so pathetic!!! so anyway, i was at this party when i saw this guy come in. My heart started beating like there was no tomorrow and i tried getting up to leave but i couldn't. My legs got really weak and my knees were shaking. My friends, mr. motorcylce and pokey reese, just looked at me because they thought it was the ex-boyfriend too. As he kept walking towards us i realized that it wasn't him. The three of us just smiled at each other with disbelief. I mean the resemblence was unbelievable!!! so i calmed down, so i thought. I was having alot of fun. The mariachi was there for most of the night so we were singing all night. At one point i had to use the bathroom so i went upstairs. There was a line so i went into the living to sit while i waited for the bathroom. It was then that i completely lost it. i started to think about a whole bunch of things. You see his birthday was last week and i had decided to leave that relationship on his birthday. I was feeling so guilty on that day because i couldn't believe i was doing this on HIS birthday. But i was in the space in my life that i had also started thinking about me...to care and love myself. I said to myself "if i don't leave today i know will never leave!!" so i did it!!! it has been the most difficult and scariest thing i have ever done but i had done it. So anyway, i started to think about all of this as i waited for the bathroom. i began to cry...UNCONTROLLABLY. I called pokey reese to let him know that i needed to leave and that i had already called another friend of mine to pick me up. i didn't want to ruin mr. motorcycles' and pokey reese's night. They were having fun, why should their fun stop, just because i was going through some crap that should have stopped a long time ago!!! Sometimes i wish i could do what clementine kept doing in the movie "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind"...GREAT MOVIE!!. but then i start thinking about how i wouldn't be the person i am today had i never ever met this person... but then i start thinking, do i really want to be like this though. paranoid, not being able to trust any man, always wondering if they will end huring me the way he did!!! never giving anybody a chance because i'm too scared!! yeah i really wish somebody could erase that part of my life!! i spent the rest of my weekend with my parents...where i felt safe again.

3 comments:

DCNats said...

Sonrisa... Stay strong and don't get so down on yourself. Of course you still have the feelings rush back in a situation like that. Afterall it was around the time you left him and you had just seen someone that looked like him... Anybody would be affected by that.
You had the strength to leave and you should be proud of yourself for that. Keep your head up!

Cracked Chancla said...

i think all women have that one guy that did a number and a half on them. it makes us stronger. we have hearts and feelings and emotions sometimes get the best of us--don't feel bad about it, its part of being human. i bet if that had really been him, he would have been just as or more nervous and anxious than you got--after all you're the girl that dumped him on his birthday. and there is nothing wrong with dumping a jerk on his birthday. hope you feel better.

sonrisa morena said...

thanks for the encouragement dcnational and cracked chancla i'm trying my best to feel better.