a weekend confession...

This weekend i had a breakdown. On Friday i went to a party...it was a great party too. there was food, drinks and a mariachi. I was having a great time until i saw someone whom i thought was my ex-boyfriend...the one i can't seem to get over even though he treated me like crap. This relationship has been over for over 5 years!!! 5 YEARS!!!. I'm so pathetic!!! so anyway, i was at this party when i saw this guy come in. My heart started beating like there was no tomorrow and i tried getting up to leave but i couldn't. My legs got really weak and my knees were shaking. My friends, mr. motorcylce and pokey reese, just looked at me because they thought it was the ex-boyfriend too. As he kept walking towards us i realized that it wasn't him. The three of us just smiled at each other with disbelief. I mean the resemblence was unbelievable!!! so i calmed down, so i thought. I was having alot of fun. The mariachi was there for most of the night so we were singing all night. At one point i had to use the bathroom so i went upstairs. There was a line so i went into the living to sit while i waited for the bathroom. It was then that i completely lost it. i started to think about a whole bunch of things. You see his birthday was last week and i had decided to leave that relationship on his birthday. I was feeling so guilty on that day because i couldn't believe i was doing this on HIS birthday. But i was in the space in my life that i had also started thinking about me...to care and love myself. I said to myself "if i don't leave today i know will never leave!!" so i did it!!! it has been the most difficult and scariest thing i have ever done but i had done it. So anyway, i started to think about all of this as i waited for the bathroom. i began to cry...UNCONTROLLABLY. I called pokey reese to let him know that i needed to leave and that i had already called another friend of mine to pick me up. i didn't want to ruin mr. motorcycles' and pokey reese's night. They were having fun, why should their fun stop, just because i was going through some crap that should have stopped a long time ago!!! Sometimes i wish i could do what clementine kept doing in the movie "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind"...GREAT MOVIE!!. but then i start thinking about how i wouldn't be the person i am today had i never ever met this person... but then i start thinking, do i really want to be like this though. paranoid, not being able to trust any man, always wondering if they will end huring me the way he did!!! never giving anybody a chance because i'm too scared!! yeah i really wish somebody could erase that part of my life!! i spent the rest of my weekend with my parents...where i felt safe again.