Wednesday, August 31, 2005

my own world...

have you ever had one of those days where your body is on earth but your mind is somewhere in your own made up planet? that's me all this week. one of my sisters is having marital problems and well it's effecting the rest of the family due to the severity of the problem...the problem you are asking? THE HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he is your typical mexican machista!!! he is not allowing her to speak to her family and WE are not allowed to go see her...otherwise she gets it!! having been in a similar situation i've tried to talk to her but have been unsuccessful. i've told the rest of my family there is really nothing WE can do until SHE decides to do something. Anyway, this is MY venting space therefore i don't want to talke about her...i love her but i also need to take care of myself. this is my time and space!!! damn it!! My head feels like it's ready to explode!!! i haven't been able to sleep all week!!! AND i really don't want to be at working dealing with somebody elses crap when i should be doing more for my sister!!! i feel helpless!! in my head the words "don't be so afraid!!!" keep roaming around. i want to go out in the middle of anywhere and just scream!!!!! nothing in particular. just SCREAM!!!!! i'm so frustrated!!!! i feel useless!!! i lost it yesterday at work. i mean estaba llorando con unos llantos que hasta yo misma me asuste!! i have never done that work. i try to leave all my personal crap at home but yesterday afternoon after talking to my sister and hearing her cry and her voice sounding so desparate i completely lost it. of course, not while i was talking her. that's another thing, because I'M the freaking social worker my ENTIRE family runs to ME to make everything better. i have dealt with all of my nieces and nephews and i can handle that but not this...not this!!! i get soooo angry when it comes to domestic violence issues....ANGRY!!!!! especially cuando los cabrones put the kids in the middle of it!!! the kids have nothing to do with the issues that the parents need to take care of...which is what i have tried telling my sister. "el idiota has issues and those are ALL HIS issues not your issues, not your kids issues so do not let him pull you in!!!" but do you think she listens to me? NOOOO!!! i guess...as i sigh...i understand her because as i've said before i've been there...feeling scared, not wanting to do anything else because you don't want to make things worse for yourself. these moments were the moments in which i went into my own little world. where nobody could touch me and hurt me. where i could say anything i wanted and not be yelled or critiziced for it. where i could be own person...i hope my sister has found a world of her own as she tries to survive is horrible horrible ordeal. thanks for letting me vent!!! i needed that.

3 comments:

AnalisaGuzman said...

I saw your comment in my blog and decided to pay a visit to yours. Sorry to hear about your sister. It is awful.I hope she finds help for herself and the kids.

Cracked Chancla said...

well, your sister is lucky to have you. your right, its going to have to be HER choice. all you can do is wait and be ready and maybe offer her the encouragement she may need to take that first scary step and leave. sending good vibes your way.

sonrisa morena said...

thanks for the good vibes :-)