i've been super duper depressed for the last few weeks. i've tried to hide it but lately i haven't been doing a good job. yesterday i was at my lowest though.
you see, i havent been doing a great job with my full time job as a youth advocate. i have to be honest, i HATE working with kids!!!! they are sooo rude and unappreciative!!! and honestly i don't understand how these kids get to where they are at!!!! A few weeks ago i saw a kid and his answers to EVERYTHING was "i don't know and i don't care!!" and then i tell him "i don't like this attitude you are giving me!!" his response!!!? "i don't care" GGGGRRRR!!!!! i'm trying but i have to admit i'm not trying my best!!! mostly because these kids and parents REALLY DONT CARE!!! SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!!!! i don't like that i feel this way...this is part of the reason i'm depressed. AND all of this not caring has been showing on my work and paperwork...or lack of paperwork!! so anyway, my supervisor, whom i have only seen once(that was during the interview process) ever since i got hired calls me to tell me we need to meet. i totally freaked!!! mostly because i felt i let myself and her down and the kids. I called Santis for advice. i was crying uncontrollably before, during and after our conversation. i felt like a failure. i felt like i had disappointed Santis, Rico Suave, Dork, my supervisor...i felt like a failure!! i have been feeling like a failure for quite some time. Santis was great though!!!! He was telling me to do this and say that..."let it run its course". So anyway, before i went to go see the supervisor i fixed the paperwork as much as i could and then typed up my resignation letter. YES, i was ready to quit!!! i actually thought i was going to get fired...okay so in the back of my head i knew i wasn't going to get fired but it was wishful thinking. So i get all my stuff ready...the cell phone they provided for me, the business cards, the ID badge and my cases and lets not forget my resignation letter stating the usual "thank you for giving me the opportunity blah blah blah and if possible i would like today October 31, 2007 to be my last day". i cried again before i walked out of my place. I asked my Fridita to give me strength and apologized to her for dissappointing her. By the time i got to my supervisors office i was cool, calm, and collected. She asks me what was going on because two parents have called saying that they haven't been called...oh yeah did i tell you that i have more then 50 kids on caseload!!! so i tell her "i'll be honest with you i'm feeling overwhelmed!! and my mistake has been that i haven't come in to tell you how overwhelmed i have been and how you as a supervisor can alleviate some of this work." I went on by telling her "i was ready to quit about a month and half ago but a co-worker, the only person who has been helping me out, convinced me not to. he asked me what changes in the program would make me not want to leave. and told him that i wished i had my own office to go to with my own computer and my own office phone and regular hours." and i went to telling her "there is simply no structure, I've realized that i need structure!!! i need to go work and feel that i'm not the only one feeling like this because i have co-workers to talk to and exchange ideas" I told her that RonRon, the co-worker, had asked me to stay until december because he had heard that things were going to change but i just didn't see myself doing that.
Her response blew me away!!!!! she starts by saying "i apologize for all of this. i should have met with you alot sooner. i will take all the blame for all of this. With that said, as of monday, you will have your office here at the hospital with a computer and a working telephone. There will be no need for you to go to the police station to pick your cases because the cases will be brought to you. I am personally asking you to give me until December. I will increase your salary and my door will always be open if there is anything you need. i want to thank you for being this honest because i see now that i do have to make changes. i will also tell the case managers to stop giving you cases because the maximum caseload is 30 and well you are waaay over and I understand how you would be feeling overwhelmed" and she went on by telling me other things that were going to change and then tells me "now go home and have a good evening because you deserve it" as i was walking towards the door i tell her "this totally not how i invisioned this meeting to go" and she laughs and tells me "well, maybe we can talk about that later, wwaaaaay later" and laughs some more and continues by saying "i will see you here at 9 in the morning on monday".
As soon as i left i called Santis to tell him all of this and to thank him for listening to me. Santis you just dont know what it means for me to have you in my life!!!! i love you soooooo much my dear friend!!!! i went home, took a shower, fixed myself something to eat, and waited for the little tricker treaters. i cried while doing all of this by the way...i've been trying to figure out why i'm sooo depressed. at about 5:30, dork calls me to ask me if she could stop by so that i could help her out with her costume...she was going to a halloween party. i said "sure come over" and then she asks me "whats wrong?, you sound down" one of the many reasons i love dork is because she reads me like a book...i don't have to say anything for her to know that i'm going through something. Anywho, i tell her what happened. i also mention to her that i've been depressed for awhile and she asks me why. i tell her that i didnt know that maybe its the weather. she tells me "dork everybody gets like this when the weather changes but we will talk some more when i get there".
When she comes over she tells me "get your nurse's costume ready cause you're going with us" i was totally shocked!!! she hates me going out with her and her friends. I tell her "are you sure?!?!?" and she tells me "dork, you need this tonight!! now go get ready!!!" i had the best time ever!!!!! thank you dork for inviting me and being such a great sister!!!!
Now i have to figure out what the hell is going on with me...