Tuesday, October 24, 2006

i couldn't stop crying...

last night i went over to see my mommy and we had a conversation that has left me numb.

so everybody thinks that they have the greatest mom in the world...if they don't they should think that. i know i do!! my mommy had 10 kids!! TEN!! and she knows each one of us so well!! we all have very different personalities yet she knew and knows exactly when something is bothering us. she knows how to talk to us, she knows what our favorite things, knows what to say to make us feel better. she claims that she has a bad memory yet she remembers EVERYTHING about each one of us like when we said our first word, our first step, the first time we talked back to her, our first day at school...she remembers EVERYTHING. she makes us our favorite food...if one of us is visiting her and we tell her that we are in the mood for tamales, pozole, or mole on our next visit she will have that for us!! she claims not to speak or understand english yet when my younger sister and i are having a conversation in english about planning on doing something that we know she would not approve she tell us "entendi todo lo que dijieron y si lo hacen se las van a ver conmigo!!" i love my mom!!! i love having converstions with her about "los viejos tiempos"...she has the most awsome stories!! or about how when daddy used to make her cry and now she is strong to defend herself and how daddy freaks out when she does it. i've always admired my mom for everything she has had to put up with my dad and with us.

i'm very very close to my mom. i consider her to be my best friend. growing up my sisters were very very mean to me, they allienated me and 'til this day i don't know why. i would go ask my mommy why my sisters would treat that way...they would completely ignore me, call me names, make fun of body (i've had big boobs since i was 11 years old and according to them my lips were to thick so they called me fish lips, they also made fun of my hips). they never wanted to go out to play with me and as we got older they never wanted to go out with me ('til this day they still don't like to go out with and i don't understand why). when i got kicked out of my house it was because my sisters told on me...i spent a weekend with the boyfriend (big huuuuuuge no no for us mexicans!!) anyway, because i felt like my sisters didn't love me or want me around i always went to my mom. i would tell her about boys i met, about my day in school, my day at work or if i needed to vent about anything i would do it with my mommy. she is such a great listener....of course i wouldn't and still dont' tell her everything because there are some things a daughter should never tell her mother. i developed a great relationship with my mom...my sisters then began saying that i was my mom's favorite!!...they still say that but really i don't care anymore!

Lately i have noticed that my mommy is getting old...her hands are wrinkled, her hair is no longer gray but white, she seems sooo much smaller now to me. she has a difficult time walking and carrying things around. she no longer is able to climb up the chair to put the tamales en la olla, now she asks one of us to do it. she is no longer able to go up and down the stairs without one of us helping her. as mentioned before, last night i was over at my parents and my mom mentioned my brother in law and how sometimes he wants to just give up. i told her that i believe that everybody has a purpose in this world how everybody needs to find that purpose. she then says "yo no se porque yo estoy aqui" and i tell her that she is here for us!! her nine kids...one of my sisters passed away at the age of 2...and go on by telling her that i don't know what my life would have been without her. she then gets really quiet and her eyes get really watery and says "ya quiero que te vayas acustumbrande a que yo no este aqui para siempre" at that point i started crying and hugged her and told her that the day she leaves me is the day i leave too. i didn't know what else to say. we have never talked about anything like this...i went home and i couldn't stop crying. i can't stop thinking about it...AND seriously i want to not think about anymore.


Santiago said...

oh my sonrisa...it sure is a sad post. i'm sorry you have to go thru some of these things. pero si es la ley de la vida.

yournamehere said...

You are a beautiful person.

Coco said...

all i can say is-
cherish is moment you have with her. life is too short!

cuida a tu mami...
tratala con MUCHO carino.

un fuerte y caluroso abrazo.



DeCoMpOsEd said...

tears to my eyes... cherish the moments and time you have ..

Cracked Chancla said...

hmm, i had a similar conversation with my mom a couple of days ago. its harsh and you don't wanna think about it. hmmm, and my one brother has shunned me in a similar way my whole life. he and your sisters are sure losing out on some great sisters because you know we're the bomb. :D

dr.v (Not a narcotic Pez dispenser) said...

it's a good thing that you started to develop a good relationship with your mom so early on.

some people never do
some people start so late in their lives that they miss out on alot by never truly appreciating their parents for the people they are.
some people only do when their parents are close to death.

I feel lucky that I learned to appreciate mom and dad when I was still pretty young. Because of particular family problems/challenges, I realized they weren't immortal. I didn't spend alot of time rebelling against them.

yeah lots of us think our moms are the best. I think my mom is the best too.

sonrisa morena said...

santis, yo se que haci es ley de la vida but it's difficult at times.

todd, thank you sweetie...you are a beautiful person as well and don't you forget it!!

coco, i totally agree with you about life being so short. i see my mommy every sunday and call her every monday evening and i always make sure to always let her know how much i love her.

decomposed, thanks for stopping by again!! i will most certainly do so.

cc, i have come to the same conclusion as well...we totally are the bomb!!

dr.v, it totally breaks my heart when i see young kids not being nice to their parents!! i can't stand to see older teens talking back either. alot of my friends don't have a good relationship with their parents and i just dont' understand why it should be that way...i don't know. what i do know it that i am thankful for my mom and i will treat her how she is supposed to be treated...with love and respect.