Monday, January 30, 2006

so what's really going on...

well, it's monday and i usually do my weekend report but not this monday. Today i only want to write about yesterday. Yesterday was a very strange and good mental health day for me...maybe that's why i feel so exhausted this morning. I didn't do anything yesterday, i didn't even go outside my apartment!! I woke up, ate a yogurt and a bowl of cereal and watched some t.v. I then turned off the t.v., listen to music and started knitting. i was not allowing myself to think about anything or anyone. i was preparing myself for what i call "going inside my mind day". i have these type of days once in a while, especially when i seem to find myself in a hole and i can't seem to get out of it. So anyway, i fixed myself something to eat late afternoon, ate and started knitting as i listened to chavela vargas. At around six i turned off my phone, the t.v., the cd player and the lights. i usually clean my apartment too when i do this but my apartment was already clean so i didn't have to do that...hmmm? that explains the extra time i had yesterday. anywho, once i turned off the lights, i went into the living room and sat on my couch with my legs crossed meditation style. i closed my eyes and asked myself "so what's really going on?" i always start with that question when i do this, btw i've been doing this for years,(may sound strange but it has worked for me) so many things came to mind when i asked myself that question. i started thinking about mexico, how much i miss being over there, how much i miss my mom. hmmm? my mom. i miss my mom, i start crying and ask myself "why do i miss her?" i miss her because nobody gives advice like she does, i can't joke around with anybody else like i do with her, i like the way she spoils me. hmmm? spoils me? i like to be spoiled. Mr. K used to spoil me with his affection. mr. k? why am i letting him get to me this way? i do like him alot and i miss him, i miss him making me laugh, i miss his warm hands but there was still so much i needed to learn about mr. k. we never went out to with each other friends, so i wonder how that would have gone. friends? hmmm? dinner last night with my frieds was nice. i couldn't help noticing that i, once again, was surrounded by white individuals. i start thinking about how all my close friends are white and the ones that aren't keep reminding me of it or telling me that i'm "acting too white". what does that really mean? "acting white". i don't know what that means and really i don't care because i like the person that i am. hmmm? but who am i, really? i start thinking about everything i've been through, being sexually molested by my uncle AND my brother, being suicidal because i didn't want to live with that guilt, having to live my entire life not telling my family about it because i didn't my mom to get sick, feeling guilty about not allowing my nieces to be around that brother and not being able to answer their question "but why?", being in a fucked relationship in which the tiny little bit of self esteem that was left in me was dragged through the dirt, the constant guilt that i had for hating my father for not protecting me when i needed him the most even though he had no idea what i was going through. my father? he was the best parent he could be, he was raised the same way he raised us, "la mujer en la casa cuidando a los hijos/hijos y el hombre trabajando y mujeriando!!" i love my father...more tears. i start thinking about how our relationship has changed so much, i start thinking about how lucky i am to have finally MET the man that i call father!! my dad!!! my daddy!!! hmmm? will i ever be a parent? i want to be a mommy!!! damn it i want to be a mommy!!! SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S REALLY ABOUT?!?!!? i'm afraid that i will never have kids. i'm afraid that i will not have someone to spoil with my affection!!! someone to know me!! someone that i WILL protect!!! someone that will feel just as comfortable with me as i do with me my mom!! the reason why Mr. K has affected me so much was because i liked the person that he was, he may not be perfect but who is? i actually thought about getting pregnant by him, y ahora que? he's not around, who is around? am i being selfish for wanting to a mommy without a father? i would be a great mommy, damn it!!! i will do by best not to repeat the bad parenting that my mother and father did with me and my siblings!!! i'm getting old...that's another thing that's been bothering me. I'M GETTING OLD. i've always thought of age as JUST a number but lately...like the saying goes, "my clock is ticking" and big time!!! i bet my mom can hear it all the way in mexico, "yeah mommy that's my clock ticking!! it's all mine!!" at this point my start inhaling, exhaling, inhaling and finally exhaling. i open my eyes slowly and sit in the dark for a few more minutes, then get up and turn on the lights back on. i go back to sit down on the couch and turn on the cd player and continue listening to chavela vargas. i don't know where or what kachis is doing all this time. i completely zone out!! ALL OF THIS JUST TO FIND OUT THAT I'M READY TO BE A MOMMY!!!

7 comments:

Coco said...

i've been there where you are... don't be "rash"...
THINK before you act!!
ok, so you want to be a mommy...
next- what kind of life do you want to give your child? What kind of "father" figure do you want for your child? REFLECT on this!!
then- live life accordingly...
*you don't want someone who is NOT going to be around to be the father of your child- so let Mr. K GO!! (or whoever)
*you don't want someone with vicios, or who mistreats women, children and animals.

don't worry about the color/race of your friends...
mientras sean tus amigos verdaderos y quieran lo mejor para ti-todo es bueno ; )

being sexually molested...
have you seen a "therapist" for this? if you haven't, PLEASE DO! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE talk to a professional. (i was sexually molested by a dr.)

blessings.

Cracked Chancla said...

*big virtual hug* you are so brave. i think you would make a wonderful mommy. isn't that something, i was molested too, by an uncle. too many of us out there. its really sad. i think you need more time to reflect on what is going on--i'm sure you will find the answers you are looking for. i'm sending good vibes your way. can't wait to see you again. take care.

Cincysundevil said...

I think it's awesome that you can be so absolutely honest with yourself. I know that there is a big part of me that wants to be a father and a husband.

I think that when my recent ex came along and wanted the same things, maybe we wanted those things so bad we overlooked some things. She had been molested as well and I wish to God that she would get counseling. She won't and because of that, I think it's part of why she pushed me and so many close people in her life away.

I believe things happen for a reason that we don't understand now and that they do work out in the future. Have faith and it will work out.

Ktrion said...

querida hermana,

you are very brave to talk about these things. I'm sure you see that you are still "carrying the responsibility" for what happened, trying to protect other people. That's why we all want to make sure you have a counselor or someone you can talk to--because you never have to go through this alone again.

Your clock may be ticking but it is not winding down. There are many children who would be lucky to have a mom like you when you're ready.

From your meditation, I hear that you want to be "mothered," i.e. loved and nurtured. you need to have that (from friends from family, or from a partner).

If you want to have a kid on your own, that's cool. Look into it. Talk to your friends and find out who can be your comadres and compadres, so you both will have familia there. but protect yourself. don't do the "picking up this guy is way easier than going the whole sperm bank route." and--and i know you know this but i can't keep myself from saying this--if mr k can't commit to an adult, how could he commit to a child.

okay, i got way too preacy here. sorry about that. desculpame.

DCNats said...

Wow, Sonrisa, that was a very brave and honest post... It sounds like the meditation really works for you, but I have to agree with coco and say you really can't rush a decision like that... which I'm sure you know.
You'll make the right decisions for your life when the time comes... I know you will.
I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better about all of the issues you're struggling with, but alas I'm in Maryland and only know you through a blog.
One thing I am sure of though is that you have a great support group of true friends like Santiago, Mr. Motorcycle, and Pokey Reese.
Cuidate and keep up the honest and personal blog posts... I know that it really helps me to put that stuff in writing and out in the open for all to see.

Hector said...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(POSITIVE THOUGHTS IN YOUR DIRECTION)

sonrisa morena said...

thank you so much everybody for being so supportive!!

coco, i know being a mommy is a HUUUGE responsibility. i do want only the best for my child, if i ever decide to have one. there is so much going through my head but i promise that i will not go to a bar and pick the daddy there..hmm? maybe, i'm just kidding coco. i have seen a therapist and she was awsome!! i saw her for three years but i stopped seeing her though because after i came back from the AIDS Ride i felt i had out grown her. She even felt it too. something happened to me during the ride, i don't know but like i mentioned in your post, i will never ever forget that experience. We still have phone therapy once in a while though, like i said she is one awsome therapist!!

cc, i am totally feeling your hug!!! do you feel that? i'm hugging you right back!! AND not one of those wimpy hugs pero de esos abrazos muy fuertes que te hace sentir un nudo en la garganta!! and i totally agree with you, there are waaay too many of us out there. i'll probably stop by the this week ;-)

cincysundevil, i hope your ex gets the help that she needs. i tried doing it by myself and let me tell you that it doesn't work. you go through so many emotions that can't be explained. i tried to deny anything ever happened but little things kept coming up and then it got to the point where i just couldn't handle it anymore, i was angry!! i felt guilty!! i was like a bomb ready to explode. it took me some time...years... to realize that i had done NOTHING wrong!! i too believe that things happen for a reason. it has taking me time to be patient to see the end result though.

ktrion, thank you so much for you kind words. i have thought about other ways to have a child. i come from your traditional mexican family though and so at times i forget how opened minded i can be. does that make sense? AND you're right about mr. k!! so right!!! never thought about it like that...

dcn, you may not be here with me physically but you've already done so much for me via the blog!!! i'm very grateful that you have kept up with my blog!! as i mentioned to coco, i know being a mommy is a huuuge responsibility therefore i will think before i act ;-) thanks dcn!!

hector, thanks for your positive vibes!!!