Monday, January 30, 2006
so what's really going on...
well, it's monday and i usually do my weekend report but not this monday. Today i only want to write about yesterday. Yesterday was a very strange and good mental health day for me...maybe that's why i feel so exhausted this morning. I didn't do anything yesterday, i didn't even go outside my apartment!! I woke up, ate a yogurt and a bowl of cereal and watched some t.v. I then turned off the t.v., listen to music and started knitting. i was not allowing myself to think about anything or anyone. i was preparing myself for what i call "going inside my mind day". i have these type of days once in a while, especially when i seem to find myself in a hole and i can't seem to get out of it. So anyway, i fixed myself something to eat late afternoon, ate and started knitting as i listened to chavela vargas. At around six i turned off my phone, the t.v., the cd player and the lights. i usually clean my apartment too when i do this but my apartment was already clean so i didn't have to do that...hmmm? that explains the extra time i had yesterday. anywho, once i turned off the lights, i went into the living room and sat on my couch with my legs crossed meditation style. i closed my eyes and asked myself "so what's really going on?" i always start with that question when i do this, btw i've been doing this for years,(may sound strange but it has worked for me) so many things came to mind when i asked myself that question. i started thinking about mexico, how much i miss being over there, how much i miss my mom. hmmm? my mom. i miss my mom, i start crying and ask myself "why do i miss her?" i miss her because nobody gives advice like she does, i can't joke around with anybody else like i do with her, i like the way she spoils me. hmmm? spoils me? i like to be spoiled. Mr. K used to spoil me with his affection. mr. k? why am i letting him get to me this way? i do like him alot and i miss him, i miss him making me laugh, i miss his warm hands but there was still so much i needed to learn about mr. k. we never went out to with each other friends, so i wonder how that would have gone. friends? hmmm? dinner last night with my frieds was nice. i couldn't help noticing that i, once again, was surrounded by white individuals. i start thinking about how all my close friends are white and the ones that aren't keep reminding me of it or telling me that i'm "acting too white". what does that really mean? "acting white". i don't know what that means and really i don't care because i like the person that i am. hmmm? but who am i, really? i start thinking about everything i've been through, being sexually molested by my uncle AND my brother, being suicidal because i didn't want to live with that guilt, having to live my entire life not telling my family about it because i didn't my mom to get sick, feeling guilty about not allowing my nieces to be around that brother and not being able to answer their question "but why?", being in a fucked relationship in which the tiny little bit of self esteem that was left in me was dragged through the dirt, the constant guilt that i had for hating my father for not protecting me when i needed him the most even though he had no idea what i was going through. my father? he was the best parent he could be, he was raised the same way he raised us, "la mujer en la casa cuidando a los hijos/hijos y el hombre trabajando y mujeriando!!" i love my father...more tears. i start thinking about how our relationship has changed so much, i start thinking about how lucky i am to have finally MET the man that i call father!! my dad!!! my daddy!!! hmmm? will i ever be a parent? i want to be a mommy!!! damn it i want to be a mommy!!! SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S REALLY ABOUT?!?!!? i'm afraid that i will never have kids. i'm afraid that i will not have someone to spoil with my affection!!! someone to know me!! someone that i WILL protect!!! someone that will feel just as comfortable with me as i do with me my mom!! the reason why Mr. K has affected me so much was because i liked the person that he was, he may not be perfect but who is? i actually thought about getting pregnant by him, y ahora que? he's not around, who is around? am i being selfish for wanting to a mommy without a father? i would be a great mommy, damn it!!! i will do by best not to repeat the bad parenting that my mother and father did with me and my siblings!!! i'm getting old...that's another thing that's been bothering me. I'M GETTING OLD. i've always thought of age as JUST a number but lately...like the saying goes, "my clock is ticking" and big time!!! i bet my mom can hear it all the way in mexico, "yeah mommy that's my clock ticking!! it's all mine!!" at this point my start inhaling, exhaling, inhaling and finally exhaling. i open my eyes slowly and sit in the dark for a few more minutes, then get up and turn on the lights back on. i go back to sit down on the couch and turn on the cd player and continue listening to chavela vargas. i don't know where or what kachis is doing all this time. i completely zone out!! ALL OF THIS JUST TO FIND OUT THAT I'M READY TO BE A MOMMY!!!
Posted by sonrisa morena at 10:48 AM