so i've been tagged...

...by Ktrion.
so here it goes...

Three books I can read over and over:
- Bless me, Ultima by Rodolfo Anaya
- Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros
- Something to Declare by Julia Alvarez

Three places I've lived:
(all in Chicago)
- Little Village
- Pilsen
- Cicero

Three TV shows I love:
- Desperate Housewives
- America's Next Top Model
- That 70's Show

Three highly regarded and recommended TV shows that I've never watched a single minute of:
- Alias
- 24
- the oc

Three places I've vacationed:
- Florida
- Mexico
- Spain

Three of my favorite dishes:
- tacos de frijoles con chile de molcajete!!
- guacamole, i know this isn't a dish but i think i should be!!
- homemade caldo de pollo!!! me pueden envenenar con esto!!

Three sites I visit daily:
[hmm, this says “sites” rather than “blogs,“ so I’ll assume “not blogs”]
- i will disagree with ktrion and put blogspot as one of the site..sorries :-( ktrion
- NBC news in chicago
- celebrity gossip...i'm not too proud of this but i need to entertain myself ;-)

Three places I would rather be right now:
- mexico with my mommy
- mexico with my mommy
- AND oh yeah!! mexico with mommy!!!

Three bloggers I am tagging:
-santiago
-cracked chancla
-dcnational...i don't know how to do that link thingy so please forgive me.

so what's really going on...

well, it's monday and i usually do my weekend report but not this monday. Today i only want to write about yesterday. Yesterday was a very strange and good mental health day for me...maybe that's why i feel so exhausted this morning. I didn't do anything yesterday, i didn't even go outside my apartment!! I woke up, ate a yogurt and a bowl of cereal and watched some t.v. I then turned off the t.v., listen to music and started knitting. i was not allowing myself to think about anything or anyone. i was preparing myself for what i call "going inside my mind day". i have these type of days once in a while, especially when i seem to find myself in a hole and i can't seem to get out of it. So anyway, i fixed myself something to eat late afternoon, ate and started knitting as i listened to chavela vargas. At around six i turned off my phone, the t.v., the cd player and the lights. i usually clean my apartment too when i do this but my apartment was already clean so i didn't have to do that...hmmm? that explains the extra time i had yesterday. anywho, once i turned off the lights, i went into the living room and sat on my couch with my legs crossed meditation style. i closed my eyes and asked myself "so what's really going on?" i always start with that question when i do this, btw i've been doing this for years,(may sound strange but it has worked for me) so many things came to mind when i asked myself that question. i started thinking about mexico, how much i miss being over there, how much i miss my mom. hmmm? my mom. i miss my mom, i start crying and ask myself "why do i miss her?" i miss her because nobody gives advice like she does, i can't joke around with anybody else like i do with her, i like the way she spoils me. hmmm? spoils me? i like to be spoiled. Mr. K used to spoil me with his affection. mr. k? why am i letting him get to me this way? i do like him alot and i miss him, i miss him making me laugh, i miss his warm hands but there was still so much i needed to learn about mr. k. we never went out to with each other friends, so i wonder how that would have gone. friends? hmmm? dinner last night with my frieds was nice. i couldn't help noticing that i, once again, was surrounded by white individuals. i start thinking about how all my close friends are white and the ones that aren't keep reminding me of it or telling me that i'm "acting too white". what does that really mean? "acting white". i don't know what that means and really i don't care because i like the person that i am. hmmm? but who am i, really? i start thinking about everything i've been through, being sexually molested by my uncle AND my brother, being suicidal because i didn't want to live with that guilt, having to live my entire life not telling my family about it because i didn't my mom to get sick, feeling guilty about not allowing my nieces to be around that brother and not being able to answer their question "but why?", being in a fucked relationship in which the tiny little bit of self esteem that was left in me was dragged through the dirt, the constant guilt that i had for hating my father for not protecting me when i needed him the most even though he had no idea what i was going through. my father? he was the best parent he could be, he was raised the same way he raised us, "la mujer en la casa cuidando a los hijos/hijos y el hombre trabajando y mujeriando!!" i love my father...more tears. i start thinking about how our relationship has changed so much, i start thinking about how lucky i am to have finally MET the man that i call father!! my dad!!! my daddy!!! hmmm? will i ever be a parent? i want to be a mommy!!! damn it i want to be a mommy!!! SO THIS IS WHAT IT'S REALLY ABOUT?!?!!? i'm afraid that i will never have kids. i'm afraid that i will not have someone to spoil with my affection!!! someone to know me!! someone that i WILL protect!!! someone that will feel just as comfortable with me as i do with me my mom!! the reason why Mr. K has affected me so much was because i liked the person that he was, he may not be perfect but who is? i actually thought about getting pregnant by him, y ahora que? he's not around, who is around? am i being selfish for wanting to a mommy without a father? i would be a great mommy, damn it!!! i will do by best not to repeat the bad parenting that my mother and father did with me and my siblings!!! i'm getting old...that's another thing that's been bothering me. I'M GETTING OLD. i've always thought of age as JUST a number but lately...like the saying goes, "my clock is ticking" and big time!!! i bet my mom can hear it all the way in mexico, "yeah mommy that's my clock ticking!! it's all mine!!" at this point my start inhaling, exhaling, inhaling and finally exhaling. i open my eyes slowly and sit in the dark for a few more minutes, then get up and turn on the lights back on. i go back to sit down on the couch and turn on the cd player and continue listening to chavela vargas. i don't know where or what kachis is doing all this time. i completely zone out!! ALL OF THIS JUST TO FIND OUT THAT I'M READY TO BE A MOMMY!!!

how do our pets know!?!?!?

so yesterday i went to visit my client...the one that is not doing too well. We talked about relationships, his love for music, his best friend, his family and his pets. He has a cute little doggie (luther) and a huuuge cat (daisy). it's so funny to see them together actually. so anyway, he was telling me that daisy has probably sensed that he is getting sicker because she comes up to him at night and cuddles with him. He tells me "people don't understand that pets have feelings too and they sense when their owners are sick or in some type of trouble". I totally agree with him!! i went on to telling him about Annie, one of the many dogs i dogsit. Last year when i was dogsitting annie there was a rapist on the loose. i normally don't get paranoid when i hear about these things. I mean i'm ALWAYS cautious to begin with so when i hear these things i get little more cautious but not to the point where i go out to buy some sort of weapon. anway, this particular time though i did get really scared because a young girl had gotten raped three blocks away from where i was dogsitting/housesitting. i got so paranoid that as soon i walked in the house i would check EVERY room there was!!! i would make sure that no one was behind the shower curtain, i got pretty paranoid. i mean three freakin' blocks away!! come on, who wouldn't be scared?!? i guess annie sensed me being paranoid because at night she would sleep by the door. She ALWAYS sleeps with me on the bed, ALWAYS but these particular nights she was sleeping by the door the entire night and would not move until it was time for her walk. i felt to safe with her there. the rapist eventually got caught, he's probably out on the street again though by now!!! they should all get their penises cut off!!! anyway, let me stop because this is supposed to be sweet post dedicated to our loving pets.

this next one is about kachito...you know this one was coming. So on tuesday after work some of my friends called to see if i wanted to go out to dinner. I was really not in the mood, i just wanted to go home and lay down on the couch and cry myself to sleep again. I decided to go though because crying myself to sleep again, well that's just pathetic. so anyway, after dinner i went home and i started to feel depressed again. i turned on the t.v., got my blanket and layed down on the couch. i wanted to cry so bad but i kept telling myself "sonrisa don't be stupid and just get over it!!" after a few minutes of laying down on the couch, kachis come over, gets underneath the blanket with me, stretches out and then gets comfortable on my stomach and rests his head on my chest. At that point i lost it!!! i started crying!! that's exactly what i needed. A HUG!!! i hugged kachito but carefully because he just seemed to be really comfortable. we fell asleep on the couch and later went to bed. i love kachito!!! how do our pets know!?!?!?!? how do they know what we need and when we need it!?!?!?

about last night...

i had such an interesting evening last night but before i start i want to apologize to cracked chancla and dr. Vodka if my friends, the fabulous trio (cc i'm stilling your words ;-), made you uncomfortable or for some reason you felt insulted. The trio are truelly harmless, they're goofballs, but truelly harmless. i want to also describe the fabulous trio. I've written about all three before and i have a very different relationship with all of them.

First of Mr. motorcycle. You all know that Mr. motorcycle is the love of my life. I love the man!!! I love everything about him!!!his honesty, his sense of humor, the love he has for his family and his friends, the fact that he loves my cooking!!! also helps...hehhehe. of course mr. motorcycle isn't perfect, there is no such thing as perfection in my book. he is human just like the rest of us. he gets sad and depressed and he also gets upset, boy does he get upset. he's the type of person that when he gets angry he lets the entire world know it!!! i stay away from him when he gets angry. he is also the one that i've known the longest from the trio so i pretty much know when to stay away and what to say or what not to say when he gets in his moods. we know each other like the back of our hands...i know i've said this before but i am truelly going to look for him in my next life!!! why not his life you're asking? well because i love mr. motorcycle too much and i don't want to ruin the relationship we have right now. romance and sex and intimacy tend to sometimes get too stressful and once that happens in a relationship it changes everything...at least that's what i think.

Pokey Reese, what can i say about him? hmmm? let me start by saying that he is an only child which should tell you more than enough. The boy is spoiled like there is no tomorrow!!! has a very short temper, is very impatient and the boy ALWAYS has to be right!!! even when he's wrong he is still right!!! i know it makes no sense but that's pokey reese for you. i met him two years after i met mr. motorcycle. he was really quiet when i first met him and when the HOLA gang use to hangout, pokey reese would go straight to me. according to him he felt comfortable with me, he felt he could be himself without being embarrassed or shy about it. we became good friends and he has done things for me that only a true friend would. for instance the first night after i decided to leave the abusive boyfriend i called pokey reese para hablar and then he asks me "do you want me to go spend the night with you?" i didn't even have to ask him!! he spent the first week with me, i did nothing but cry at night and he just held me and kept telling me that everything was going to be okay and that i did the right thing. after that week i moved in with my sisters and he helped me move. i will never ever forget that pokey reese, i will forever love you for that!!!

Mr. Bean!!! i met him two years ago. when i first met him i found him to be a very a attractive guy but then i got to know him..hehhehe just kidding. he truelly is a great person. he is one of the funniest people i have ever met. I've never seen him angry and from what i've heard he doesn't get angry because "it's a waste of energy". We've had really intense conversations about life. the phrase "don't judge a book by it's cover" describes him perfectly. He may act like a child but he is more mature than the other two, no offense to other two. i'm ALWAYS suprised with mr. bean's conversations...when it's a one on one because when there are other people around, well he is the biggest goofball ever!! he is also the proudest mexicano i have i ever met!!! but he is not your typical mexicano, he is a hmm? comtempory mexicano, if that makes sense.

okay so you put mr. motorcylce, pokey reese, and mr. bean together and what do you get? complete CHAOS!!!!!!! mr. bean poking fun at pokey reese, mr. motorcycle trying to be the mediator but ending up upset, mr bean laughing at mr. motorcycle getting upset. aaaayyy!!! me screaming "callense callense porque me desespeeeraaann!!" and then all three start humming the theme song de el chavo del ocho!!! how could i not love these guys?!?!?

so last night all four of us went to cracked chanclas book store for the open mic night. i had alot of fun but these guys were misbehaving!! i'm soooo glad we were sitting at the back because they had me cracking up. i kept telling to them to be quiet!! i finally decided to ignore them and zoned them out because i wanted to enjoy the readings...which by the way i really enjoyed, cc i loved the second poem you read!! AND dr. vodka i hope to one day have the courage to go up there just like you. i love your peoms by the way!!! power to you girls!!!

of course i can't go out with these guys without it being some drama. pokey reese and i decided to go to jumping bean for dinner. while at jumping bean i ask him if mr. motorcycle was coming "i called him on my way over here and he told me he wasn't" he tells me. "what?!? why?" i ask pokey reese. according to pokey reese mr. motorcycle was feeling lazy and was not in the mood to come out. so i decided to call him "hey que no vas salir?" i ask him. "si what's the address? i'll meet you there, did you call mr. bean? no? well i'll call him and we'll see you there" I tell mr. pokey reese "i thought you said he wasn't coming?" "pues eso fue lo que me dijo el guey cuando yo le hable, le tuvo que hablar un par de tetas al guey para que se decidiera!" "heeey, don't be rude!!!" was my response and i just let it go. no se que pleito trarian but i did not want to be in the middle of it!! so anyway, as you've read we all had a great time at cc's store. AND we are all hyped up for next months readings...mr. motorcycle wants me to go up there but i get too nervous and well my spanish isn't good... mr. bean joked around yesterday about it with cc.

my evening doesn't end here. i got home with a smile on my face because i had a really good time at cc's store. i watch a little t.v. and get ready to go to bed when my phone rings. it was mr. k!!! there's a huuuuuge smile on my face as i answer the phone. he asks me what i'm doing and how my day had gone so i told him about work and about the poetry readings. He then starts talking about his work and school work and his performances that are coming up...i told you he was a comedian, right?...anyway, i start getting this sinking feeling in stomache and tears start falling down my cheek. i try so hard not to cry but i couldn't help it. so i ask him "what are you telling me?" he tells me "i want to focus on school and only school, i'm thinking of not performing anymore and i hope to one day be able to not work so that i can go to school full-time, i need to keep focused, i still want to be your friend though" my response was, at this point i was crying uncontrollably, "i respect your decision and i'm glad that you know what you want in regards to your education but i can't be your friend, i don't think i can handle that. i like you too much" i start crying again. he asks me what i want him to do. i tell him "you've made it pretty clear what it is that you want to do and like i told you before i couldn't handle just being your friend" we said our good byes but before he hangs up he asks me to give him a call if i were to ever need anything or to just talk about what he needs to do make things better. i hang up the phone and start crying. a few minutes later the phone rings again and i hoped it would be mr.k changing his mind but it wasn't. it was mr. policeman. "hey are you sick? you sound sick" "no i've been crying" "why?" he asks me "because you guys suck!!!" he starts laughing and tells me "yes we do!! we suck big time" i start laughing and told him i wasn't really mood to talk so we hung up and cried myself to sleep. I HATE MEN!!!!!

mr. bean's conversation....

so mr. bean calls me saturday night to ask me what i was doing. i tell him that i'm hanging out with my 17 year old nephew. "are you the favorite tia?" he asks..."hasta la pregunta es necia!!!" i joke around with him. Mr. Bean never calls me on a saturday night, so i'm thinking to myself "what does he want?". we talked for a while and then asks me "hey what are doing tomorrow evening?" "nada porque?" "oh cause i want to go over and fix that tub of yours" i knew there was a reason why this guy is friend!!! my tub had been leaking for awhile and i've told the landlord but he seems to not be doing anything about it and last time mr. bean was here he noticed it and told me he was going to fix it. once that conversation about the tub was over, he asks me "oye, so que onda contigo?" what? que? como? "what do you mean? don't tell me you think i've changed too?" According to mr. bean i have "solo un poquito" and that's another reason why he called me, to talk about "the change". AAAAAHHHHH!!! what the hell?!?!? I HAVE NOT CHANGED!!! is what i want to scream but because i have a tiny little crush (just a tiny little one) on mr. bean i decide to keep my cool. "so you tell me how i've changed?" i ask him and he sure as hell tells me. Actually that is one of the many reason i like talking to mr. bean, he is so so hmm? analytical (for a lack of a better word) when it comes to friends. Anywho, he tells me that he has noticed me being more pensive and quiet. i tell him "but i've always been that way". "no, you've been quiet but this is different, you seem to be thinking about life and what you want out of it and about your accomplishments and were you wish you could be at now" HOLY SHIT!!!!!! how the hell did he know that?!?!?!?!? that's exactly how i've been feeling!!! i just haven't really told anyone. i've talked to mr. k about some of it but mr. k and mr. bean don't know each other. mr. bean continues by saying "sonrisa, don't think too much. be happy were you're at and enjoy life. you only live once, viva la vida!!!" at this point i wish he were there with me so i could get a hug from him. i still don't know how he figured out all of this, maybe it's all the years we've known each other that he could read me very well.

i just want to thank mr. bean being who he is :-)

updates...

i haven't written for a while for many reasons. one being that i've been really busy at work, another because i haven't been really feeling it. I miss my mom and long to be back with her in mexico!!! oh how wish i was back there!!!! another reason is because i can't seem to stop thinking about Mr. K!!! yes mr. k is still in the picture and now more than ever!!!

I know i promised pictures and stories from my trip to mexico but i'm a huge procrastinator when it comes to the whole pictures thing. i have 3..3!!!!...undeveloped disposable camaras from 3 years ago!!! really i'm not a picture person, don't even know why i buy disposables and own a camera!!! anywho, i will not let you down and will post pictures and explanations to each picture posted...it may take 3 years but i will do it!! gosh darn it!!!

Kachito is getting back to his normal self again. he is beginning to sleep on my lap again and he is starting to get happy when i come home from work or any other place for that matter. he is getting sooooo big!!! he jumped on my stomache last night and i was like "dude you can't do that anymore!!! you're too big for that!!" i love kachis. i'm knitting a scarf for mr. motorcycle but kachito won't let me. He keeps on chewing on the yarn and breaking it!! i keep telling him to stop and push him away but then i feel guilty because he is barely getting to trust me again and here i am pushing him away. so i stop knitting and start playing with him. i got him a new toy in the hopes that he be his old self again and i think it's working!!! i don't know what's working but kachis is back to his old self again and i'm very very very happy about that.

I've been soooo busy at work, i think i may need another vacation. my schizophrenic client has once again changed his phone number but will not leave it on my voice mail so there is no way for me to contact him. he keeps telling me that he will come to the office to give it to me but i haven't seen him as of yet. i worry about him. another of my clients is not doing too well. his health has deteriorating since december and i spoke to him today and well he didn't sound so good. his voice is getting that hollow tone...i don't know if anyone has heard of the "dying voice" but i heard it on my client's voice this morning. i'm going to see him tomorrow morning. he's got a nurse coming to his place already. he is such a great individual. young too, he was going to college last year and he was also working on his singing career. he sings jazz and he kept promising me his cd. i kept telling him that i wanted his autograph before he got too famous and forgot about me, "oh sonrisa, I will never forget you!!" that's what he used to tell me. i almost cried when i talked to him this morning. i keep telling myself that it's part of my job but i can't help it.

i went kareokeing(?) last week with mr. motorcycle, pokey reese and mr. bean. that was sooo much fun. i sang a song by jose alfredo jimenez, "la media vuelta". the guys were suprised that i actually got up there to sing. I was surprised at myself as well!! i was so nervous but i did it!!! yay for me!!! i had fun. mr. motorcycle kept telling me that i've changed since our trip to mexico. i kept asking how but he would just tell me "i don't know but you have". he kept telling me that all night and then on tuesday when i saw him again. i don't know how i've changed, really i don't think i have. i just miss my mom and being in mexico and well maybe it has to do with me constantly thinking about mr. k. who knows?!?!? i never mention mr. k though when i'm around mr. motorcycle. oh yeah mr.motorcycle and i have decided to eat healthier...no more greasy foods for us!!! we are supposed to do this for 3 months to see how we feel and also to see if there are any physical changes. we are not on a diet!!! we are just making healthy choices. we'll see what happens.

AND mr. K!! what can i say about mr. k?!?! he missed me while i was gone!!! i was happy to hear that :-) we got together the first weekend i came back from mexico and let me tell you that i felt him actually miss me!!! the way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, the way, yeah i'll stop there. i can't stop thinking about him!!! i saw him again this past weekend and the way he held me in his arms!!! AND the way he he hugged me and lifted me when i left his place. the way he looks at me is what kills me!!! he looks at me like like like, i can't even describe it. he gives me this look and then smiles. oh how i like him. we had soooo much fun this past weekend. he makes me laugh so much!!! AND this is the best part, he actually asks me how I'M doing and actually listens!! i know we are still in the "trying to impress one another" stage but it's really nice. i love talking to him. i actually told him that i might even be able to fall in love with him!!! ME?!?!?! LOVE?!??!? AGAIN?!?!?!? maybe that's what is different about me, maybe mr. motorcycle is right. maybe i've changed... because i may be falling in love!!!

the world revolves around who?

Santis and i went to cracked chancla's bookstore last night and we had sooooo much fun...well at least i did. there is a saying that i like alot "there are three sides to a story; your side, my side and then the real story." why am i saying this? well because i will describe last night through my eyes, my version of the story...hay que dramatica!!!

Anyway, as usual santis calls me last minute to ask if i wanted to go over to cc's, "clarines!!!"... i was planning on taking some colaciones (traditional mexican christmas candy to cc but i didn't have it with me) I tell him that i will meet up with him over there...i'm driving ms. J's car while she's on vacation. I love driving down lakeshore drive...well actually only when there is no traffic porque cuando hay traffico, well lets not even go there. Back to santis and cc. So anyway, santis and i get there and as i walk in i felt right at home. The atmosphere in the coffee shop/bookstore was so welcoming!!!..i've already e-mailed mr. motorcylce about the place and we are supposed to go there on open mike night!!!!...i loved it. it was sooo nice to see cracked chancla again!!!

so santis and i sit down and cc asks if we want something to drink "yo vine por el chocolate so i want un chocolate" santis had coffee, i forgot the name of it but i had a little taste and it was delicious not as delicious as my chocolate but yummy. cc sat with us and we talked about everything!!! of course it would go back to santis...hence the title, ehehehheeh i love you santis you know that. cc suggested that santis and i do a comedy skit, somos payasos o que? just kidding. actually santis and i liked the suggestion so santis came up with a name "SON and SANTIS"...son for sonrisa. we're seriously thinking about it, thanks cc. we also talked about my dates...before i was too afraid to go out on them. I told cc and santis that when it comes to romantic relationships i'm just too stupid, actually i'm just too scared. i don't want to get hurt, literally, again. i enjoyed our conversation last night. oh yeah we also talked about people and things that needed to be "X-ed". santis came up with it...you had to be there. i had never laughed so hard this year...get it? this year? hehehee. i also asked cc about kachis' behavior and she told me that it was natural for him to be the way he has been. i miss my old kachis. on one of my other posts Ktrion commented on how he feels that i abandoned him and therefore needs to feel like he can trust me again. i learned so much last night!!! one of the many things i learned was that cc is very very observant, in a good way :-) thanks for being such a great hostess ms. cc!!! i'll see you soon!!! oh yeah don't forget to send the list of the john cusack(?) movies...i'm not a fan of his but was assured that i would after watching "say anything". hmm? i'll just have see ;-)

my trip to mexico...

there is so much to say!!!! where to begin!!! well i'll start by saying that nothing happened between mr. motorcycle and i. absolutely nothing!!!! we just became better friends...yes i will most definetly look for him in my next life!!! we talked about everything and anything. you know what it felt like? it felt like when he drives me back home and we are so focused on our conversation that sometimes he forgets to get out on my exit so he just keeps driving until we finish our conversation. does that make sense? anywho, it was a nice drive. AND i'm not going to focus on mr. motorcycle because i want to keep all of those nice memories to myself. so i get to my pueblito and to my suprise it had changed sooooo much. i hadn't been there in like ten years!!! the first thing i noticed as i walked into my parents home was that the house had gotten bigger. i had heard talk about my parents remodeling the house but holy shit!!! "HAY GUEEEEYY!!!" was my reaction as i walked into the living room, then to the dining room and finally the kitchen. "PUES PARA QUE QUIEREN LA CASA TAN GRANDE MAMI?" so i go to my room...all nine of us have our own room now, i'm telling it's huge ass house!!...and start getting comfortable when the door bell rings. es mi tia/madrina!!! "hola mi'ja!!! tanto tiempo que no te veo!!!" i got alot of those the first few days. i also got alot of "mira nomas ya estas bien grande!!" and my mommy responding "y de todos lados!!"...yeah my mommy thinks she's funny!! las primas would come to get me to go to las posadas, that was sooo much fun,not the praying part but the little kids just playing around just waiting for the treats!! they are sooo cute!! i got to go to una quincanera too. that was fun as well!!! by the way i plan to write about all of these experiences individually and also add pictures to the posts...this is just a summary. AND ooohhh the food!!! THE FOOD!!!! it was sooooo DELICIOUS!! i got to eat carnitas, menudo, pozole, tamales, caldo de pollo, caldo de rez, nopalitos, chicharon, pampasos, pulque, nieve de limon, paletas de fresa, guayabas,...i ate sooooo much!!! AND everything was soooo delicious. i got to go to different tianguis' de diferentes pueblitos!! i loved it all!!! i so did not want to come back!!!

i'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it feels wierd to be back here!!! i need some catching up to do at work so i'm not sure when i will begin writing about my trip...i will most definetly will try my best to write soon.

i missed you bloggeros/bloggeras!!!!!!