I had dinner with the HOLA gang on sunday. I love the gang but lately its been like a chore to go out with them. someone is ALWAYS late!!! someone ALWAYS doesn't have enough for dinner...well this wasn't the case this time...someone doesn't show up or forgets to tell one of us that they will be bringing some one so the waitress or waiter gets upset at us because they have to rearrange the table to make room for the extra person. Anywho, i was sooo frustrated on sunday that as soon as i walked into Iberico...spanish restaurant...i wanted to walk back out!!!
i was having such a good day too. i went to a chicago fire...soccer...game right before i met the gang. it was an awesome game too!!! i didn't understand a thing that was going on but just being in the almost brand new Toyota Park with all those nice looking soccer players and crazy fans made it worth while. I also thought of Joel...yes i thought of you...because chicago fire played against DC.
So anywho, we all got sitted and we talked about what was going on with our lives. ms. j and mr. motorcycles are both back in school and i'm going to apply in november. mr. cop is also in school and is thinking of going Federal...what ever that means..and looking into moving to Texas some time in the future. The conversation was good...then i said something that really upset ms. j. the rest of the gang didnt seem to even have noticed but i noticed that it really upset ms. j and with good reason. Here's the the part where i say "please dont get offended".
Ms. j mentioned something about her sending an e-mail from home so mr. motorcycle asked if she got a new computer. she says " my mom got me a lab top when i returned to school" and i said "wow, must be nice to be white"...i was just kidding though!!! (btw, just in case you hadn't figured it out ms. j is white) okay a little bit of me envies that part of her. she got really upset so she "left to get cash from the ATM". when she returned she said "Ms. Cali says hello" which of course was obvious to me that she had called ms. Cali...her best friend...to vent on what i had just said.
why am i sharing this with you? well because i feel guilty!!! but not for the reasons you may think but because i actually did mean that comment..."must be nice to be white". i'm sorry that i hurt Ms. j's feelings but i can't help feeling that way. i have often wondered what it would be like to be white!!! not that i'm not proud of being a mexican. i love my heritage!! i really do!!! i love the person that i am...well actually i'm a bit disappointed at what i discovered during this dinner about myself but is it really my fault that i feel this way? i consider myself very lucky to have the privileges i have sometimes, though, i get tired and frustrated at all the unfairness...for a lack of a better word.
Ms. j is a great person and she has worked hard and continues to work hard to get the stuff she wants but she has gotten alot of support. I remember when i first met her she told me "my dad got me a car for my graduation" WHAT?!?!? i know its not her fault but like i mentioned before i can't help but be a little envious. all i got when i graduated from college was "una hoya de frijoles". i remember when i told my dad that i was going back to college and his response was "nadamas vas a perder tu tiempo porque eres bien pendeja!!" so considering that response i'm glad i at least got that "hoya de frijoles."
other thoughts also came to mind as i sat in the restaurant...not wanting to be there but being polite. i remember ms. j calling me her little "ESL friend". I let that go though because i knew that she was messing around and that she really valued our friendship...at least i hope that was the case. or when i was waiting for the train once and this white man came up to me asking for directions. he tells me "wow, your English is great!! you have no accent!!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? why the hell would i have a fucken accent asshole?!!? thats what i really wanted to say but didn't. i only said "thank you" and walked away angry!!! or the time that my white fifth grade teacher started calling me "maria" because she couldn't pronounce my name!!! maria isn't even close to what my real name is!!! or when ever i start a new job and a white co-worker says "oh, now i have someone to practice the little spanish that i know". i had to go to school and learn english so you go do the same ASSHOLE!!!! thats what i want to say but i only say "sure why not". ALL of these things i find offensive!!!!
by the time dinner was over i was sooooo angry and frustrated i just wanted to go home and chill. instead mr. rico suave and i ended up going over to mr. motorcycle's to watch the Bears loose...BIG TIME!!! what the hell is up with the bears this season!?!!? but this is another post...
i just want to say that i'm really sorry ms. j that i offended you....i really dont know what else to say though.
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6 comments:
omg...i totally agree with you. if they can't take it, then dont dish it. i have those thoughts all the time with certain family friends. usually they are her friends, but i digress.
well first of all, I hope you stuck around long enough to see Jamie Moreno's fabulous goal to tie the game in the closing minutes!
secondly, it shouldn't be that big of a revelation that you were thinking of me... I would like to think that I'm on your mind constantly and that you just cant escape thoughts of what it would be like to peer into my blue eyes the next time DC United come to town to thrash your little Chicago Fire team...
and thirdly- as you know, I'm white and NO my parents have never bought me a brand new car (they did help buy me an old beat up 10 year old Ford Tempo when I was like 17) and NO I was not offended by your comment because I've gotten to know you through the blog and emails and so you're a friend, I know you didnt mean that to be a hurtful comment... the key word in all that is friend because Ms. J has been your friend for a long time and should not have let your comment become some dramatic thing just the way you did not let her ESL comment offend you.
Of course the whole thing sounds more like it's not so much a racial thing as it is probably an emotional woman thing... the lesson as always, women, even women who are friends can't get always get along, because they're crazy... "please dont get offended"
*can't always get along.
santis, thanks for having my back!!! i love you for that!!
DC, have i ever told you how funny you are!!! and how i really do wake up thinking of you, and that think of you all the throughout the day and go to sleep thinking of you!!! you're even in my dreams!!! that luscious milky skin of yours, those adorable blue eyes, that tummy that i just want rub all the time...let me stop because i don't want Morena to get jealous AND it kills me that i cant have you!!! ;-)
i do agree with you on the whole "friendship" thing though. which is why i think the rest of the gang didnt even seem to notice. AND i also agree with you ont women being crazy!!! we tend to get too emotional about the most unimportant thing!!!...like me thinking of you all the time ;-)
you want me sooooo bad.
DC, yes i do!! yes i do!!! ;-)
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