Sunday, December 24, 2006

life...

has been challenging these past few weeks!!!

Friday, December 22 was my last day at my AIDS/HIV job. i'm really sad about leaving my job but happy leaving the agency...does this make sense? i'm going to miss my clients alot...especially my schizoprenic client. I actually cried as i was saying my goodbye to him..."who is going to check up on me, sonrisa? who am i going to talk to now? i don't think i want to continue coming to this agency if you're not here anymore?" yes i cried!!! i'm going to miss him the most.

i got a phone call from a doctor at Rush hospital because he was informed that i was a spanish speaking research assistant. this project will have me working with the latino individuals that are having heart problems. i hope i get this job!!! the doctor is supposed to call me this week to talk about my salary..."i hope i can afford you" he says. DAMN!!! at this point i'll take anything...okay, not anything. i have been seriously thinking about not doing social work anymore. i'm tired. i'm....i want to focus on me!!! it's time i start focusing on me. not that i haven't but i've just been feeling lost ever since my brother-in-law died. he was only 42 years old!!!! he was young!!! he was a great person who loved my sister and his children alot!!! he didn't drink, he didn't smoke...i'm just so angry!!!! he was soooo young!!!

the night he died, my younger sister called me to let me know that he wanted to see me. i was working at Rush that evening and practically ran to Stoger's Hospital. i was crying all the way to the hospital because even though dork hadn't mentioned anything about him dying i just knew he was leaving us that night. when i got to Stroger's, dork was waiting for me downstairs. i looked at her and hugged her. i cried uncontrollably as dork told me "the doctors said he only has a couple of more hours". as i took the elevator upstairs i tried to calm myself down but as soon as i saw him i lost it again. one hour later he was gone. there are so many things i want to forget about that night...him being in so much pain, me asking my frida to take him because i couldn't stand him being in pain!!! my sister crying asking him not to leave her. i want to forget so many things about that night!!!

my sister, my second mom...what can i say about her. i can't even imagine what she is going through right now. it's christmas eve and we are all supposed to be happy...but we are not. my second mom is the most amazing woman...aside from my mommy...ever.

today as i got off the bus, i started walking towards her house and i kept telling myself "you're not going cry!!! you have to be strong for her!!! you're not going to cry!!" but i couldn't. i walked in the house and saw her cooking some taquitos, i hugged her and went to the living room to cry by myself. she later came in and tells me "sonrisa, ya no llores que todo va estar bien"

he was only 42 years old damn it!!!!!

9 comments:

yournamehere said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. That is an unimaginable tragedy. I wish nothing but the best to you and your family.

Email me if you want to talk.

Coco said...

No, it doesn't make sense...
I'm sorry.

Your 2nd mamita is correct-
"todo va a estar bien". It will just take some time...and more tears.

Recuerda que NUNCA estan solos-
el amor de Dios siempre les acompana.

Con carino,
Coco

Johnny Yen said...

I'm so sorry about your brother-in-law-- he sounded like a great guy. I lost a close friend earlier this year at the age of 42, as well-- he was murdered in a home invasion by gang-bangers.

I know that he would be happy that you are thinking of him at this time of the year. It sounds like you're going to need to be a rock for your sister.

I admire your dedication to social work. I'm a teacher, and I find your chosen profession to be more underpaid, more overworked and more underappreciated than my own.

I have to confess to finding one small smile in your post-- I realized you were a fellow Chicagoan when you called it "Stroger's" hospital. I didn't realize until I was in my mid-thirties that I, like most Chicagoans, add an "'s" onto everything-- "I'm going to Jewel's" or "Can I pick you something up at Osco's?" An old friend pointed this out when I kept referring to "Soldier's Field."

By the way, I keep calling Stroger Hospital "County", identifying me not just as a Chicagoan, but as an old Chicagoan (I'm 45)

Cincysundevil said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. It's so true that life isn't fair and I can't even fathom the loss that you and your family must be going through. My prayers are definitely with you.

Maybe a new career is what you need. You've dedicated more of your life recently to helping those most in need than most of us will ever dedicate in our entire lives. Do focus on you a bit; you completely deserve to find those things that will bring you joy.

Cracked Chancla said...

i agree with cincy. its time to nurture yourself--i imagine your old job was very draining. again, i'm so sorry to hear about your brother-in-law, he was definitely young. your second mommy is lucky to have you as a sister. i'm sure that together you will see each other through this. oh and i'm dr.rush can afford you. cuidate.

Enemy of the Republic said...

That is way too young. I've been thinking about you. Feel free to email me as well.

sonrisa morena said...

i want to thank you every single person...i am super drunk. this is how i'm handling his death...with mr. motocycle, mr.bean and mr. pokey rees !!!!

Coco said...

just stopping by...
i'm starting to worry about you.
hope everything is going well for you and your family.

cuidate mucho!!

un fuerte y caluroso abrazo, amiga.

bendiciones,k
coco

DCNats said...

just checking in... I hope all is well and that we'll hear from you soon.