life...

has been challenging these past few weeks!!!

Friday, December 22 was my last day at my AIDS/HIV job. i'm really sad about leaving my job but happy leaving the agency...does this make sense? i'm going to miss my clients alot...especially my schizoprenic client. I actually cried as i was saying my goodbye to him..."who is going to check up on me, sonrisa? who am i going to talk to now? i don't think i want to continue coming to this agency if you're not here anymore?" yes i cried!!! i'm going to miss him the most.

i got a phone call from a doctor at Rush hospital because he was informed that i was a spanish speaking research assistant. this project will have me working with the latino individuals that are having heart problems. i hope i get this job!!! the doctor is supposed to call me this week to talk about my salary..."i hope i can afford you" he says. DAMN!!! at this point i'll take anything...okay, not anything. i have been seriously thinking about not doing social work anymore. i'm tired. i'm....i want to focus on me!!! it's time i start focusing on me. not that i haven't but i've just been feeling lost ever since my brother-in-law died. he was only 42 years old!!!! he was young!!! he was a great person who loved my sister and his children alot!!! he didn't drink, he didn't smoke...i'm just so angry!!!! he was soooo young!!!

the night he died, my younger sister called me to let me know that he wanted to see me. i was working at Rush that evening and practically ran to Stoger's Hospital. i was crying all the way to the hospital because even though dork hadn't mentioned anything about him dying i just knew he was leaving us that night. when i got to Stroger's, dork was waiting for me downstairs. i looked at her and hugged her. i cried uncontrollably as dork told me "the doctors said he only has a couple of more hours". as i took the elevator upstairs i tried to calm myself down but as soon as i saw him i lost it again. one hour later he was gone. there are so many things i want to forget about that night...him being in so much pain, me asking my frida to take him because i couldn't stand him being in pain!!! my sister crying asking him not to leave her. i want to forget so many things about that night!!!

my sister, my second mom...what can i say about her. i can't even imagine what she is going through right now. it's christmas eve and we are all supposed to be happy...but we are not. my second mom is the most amazing woman...aside from my mommy...ever.

today as i got off the bus, i started walking towards her house and i kept telling myself "you're not going cry!!! you have to be strong for her!!! you're not going to cry!!" but i couldn't. i walked in the house and saw her cooking some taquitos, i hugged her and went to the living room to cry by myself. she later came in and tells me "sonrisa, ya no llores que todo va estar bien"

he was only 42 years old damn it!!!!!

my brother-in-law is no longer with us. he died on December 12, 2006 at 9:40 p.m.

update..

well, i have quit my job!!!! the AIDS/HIV jobs. i'm still at my part-time job though. i'm nervous as hell because i don't hava another job lined up but we'll see how it goes. too much going on that i decided i had enough yesterday so i gave my resignation this morning!!! ooooh my Frida, what am i doing? i'm soooooo going to miss my clients!!! don't know what the next chapter will be about but i will keep you posted.

my daddy is doing waaaay better. my brother-in-law is not. he is still in the hospital and will most likely be for christmas :-(

mr. colombian is still around. i truly am glad that i decided to keep him around. he has been such a great friend. we've become soooo close these past few weeks. he keeps reminding me not too forget "what a strong woman" i am. it's difficult at times to be strong though.

anywho, have a good weekend bloggers.

i want it to be like it was...

well this thanksgiving sucked and i think things will continue to suck for a while..ours thanksgiving was not at all festive.

my daddy was in the hospital. he had his gall bladder removed and had to spend extra days in the hospital for precautinary reasons due to his age. it got really scared. my dad and i have not had the greatest relationship however lately it's been getting alot better. we actually hug and i kiss him good bye whereas before we couldn't be in the same room without us getting into an arguement. when i went to go see him in the hospital we both started crying. the surgery wasn't that serious but to see my daddy in the hospital bed scared me!!! i've known for a while that he is not the strong scary man he once was. he looked old and scared to me in that bed. it just made think about too much!!

that same week my brother in law went back to the hospital. it's not looking too good for him. we had post poned our thanksgiving dinner for this saturday but my mom doesn't feel too comfortable having it with my brother in law in such bad shape...he needs a heart transplant SOON!!!. i already hated these holidays, this is just make it worse. i'm trying really hard to keep strong...since i'm the freakin' social worker i keep being asked to talk to the family. it keeps getting harder though because i can't tell them that "things will be okay" when i know they won't be okay and they won't be okay for a while. i just want things to be the way they use to be.

other than that things are okay with me. i've been really depressed but that's normal and i know it will pass. mr. colombian has been awsome. he continues to be a jerk though but he has been good to me latetly...frienshipwise. he makes me laugh when i most need it. i'm still working my two jobs. i need to start my christmas shopping...it will be very short list this year. i'm not really sure if there will be a christmas for us...

kachito is still being a punk to other people but he loves me and that's all that matters to me!!!

have a good weekend my fellow bloggers and please take care of yourselves...