its time to party!!!!

my birthday party is this weekend!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! you know its really wierd. i really don't make a big deal about my birthday to my non-blogger friends. I tend to be more excited about my birthday with you guys....why is that? i wonder...

Anyway, i wasn't going to have a birthday party this year because really i was not feeling up for it...after the miscarriage i just wasnt feeling in a party for myself mood. However, the great friends that i have decided to have party for me at their place!!! Mr. Chef and Mr. China i love you!!!! the theme for my birthday party is STRAWBERRIES!!!!! strawberries are my favorite fruit!!! just like i do for all my birthday parties, they too decided to have a contest for this party as well!!! who ever brings the best strawberry gift for me will get a prize!!!!! i cant wait to see the strawberry creations!!! will chanclita win again this year?!?!??! she thinks she has it in the bag again. we shall see...

chillaxing weekend...

i went to michigan this past weekend and it was wonderful!!! michigan is so beautiful. i want to go back. i think i want to live there...NOT!!! it was beautiful but just for a weekend get away. i went to the beach and boy am i paying for it now!!! i look like a lobster!!! i hurt!!! my back hurts, my leg hurts, my face semi-hurts!!! its like i didn't put on sun-block. it was all worth it though. it was just me and my friend mr. chillaxing!!! awsome, sweet and very intelligent guy. we are just friends!!! he has his partner, unfortunetly his partner had to work so he couldn't join us. i hope to be back there soon!!!

ya 'cabe....

I totally fell in love with CANADA!!!!! it is sooooo beautiful!! la familia was very well behaved...well except when it came to deciding where to go to eat. At that point i grabbed my mom and dad. "mami and daddy we will be going to this restaurant over here and let them debate where they want to go", i said. i had a great time with them!!!! The falls were soooo... i cant find the words to describe them. They were more than beautiful!!!

There was a "you had to be there" moment on our way back. We drove to Canada, we took three mini vans. I was with my sister's family...three kids, her husband, my two sisters, and myself. I was pretty comfortable all the way in the back. On our way back home we stopped to eat Wendy's and I kept telling them that in two hours we were all going to have to go to the bathroom. Everybody laughed...it wasn't funny though when my little nephew, still in pampers, pooped!!!!! DAMN!!!! does baby poop STINK!!!!! i was falling asleep when the odor woke me up!!! the baby of course was laughing and saying "ya 'cabe". I know you finished because we can smell it!!! We were all laughing!!! The odor kept getting stronger though!!!! then my older nephew, 14 years old, starts laughing harder. I asked him "are you farting!?!?" "hell yeah, i'm taking advantage!!!" he says. We opened every window in the car!!! It took us 10 minutes to find an exit so my sister could change the baby. It was torture!!! TORTURE I SAY!!!
nothing like being that comfortable with la familia....

Hola...

Hope you all are doing well in your worlds...

I'm doing better...still have my moments but such is life. Life must go on.

I'm supposed to go to Canada...Niagra Falls...this weekend but to be honest i'm not really looking forward to it. The first reason being that Kachito is totally scared of fire crackers. He hates them!!!! He also hates thunder. I don't want to leave him alone on 4th of July. He totally freaks out. It hasn't been an issue before when I lived on the Northside because we really didn't hear any fire works. We use to leave on the third floor. But now that we are back in the hood well the kids are always in the front of the house firing away!!! We live on the first floor. Kachis just stays away from the window and goes underneath the couch 'til he thinks its safe to come out. The second reason, well i'm going with the entire family!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! last time we went on a family trip I swore I would never ever travel with la familia. It always turns out to be huge deal!! I love my family but an entire weekend with them, i don't know how I'm feeling about that. If I decide not to go to Canada I'm sure I'll be hearing alot of "you should have gone!!!", "it was amazing!! and "such and such did this thing it had us all cracking up!!" dont know what to do!!!! MUST decide by tonight because they leave tomorrow. I'll probably end up going. What am I going to do here all by myself anyway. I've already gotten a few invitations to friends houses but to be honest its not the same celebrating a holiday without your familia. I guess i'm going...Canada here I come!!!!!!

hola...

i'm doing better....

i don't have a titel for this post. The very last post i wrote was about something wonderful that happened. I had found out I was pregnant. I really wanted to share this with everybody but i was told to wait after the three months. I waited and i have sad news...this past Friday I had a miscarriage. It has been the saddest day of my life. i'm at home not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone...i'm sorry for not returning phone calls or replying to texts. i really just don't want to feel or think. thinking is the worst part... there are soooo many thoughts and questions going through my head. i know the answers but i just cant seem to comprehend them. "i just wanted to be a mommy", "why doesnt somebody want me to be a mommy?", "ni para eso sirvo!!"...i can't stop thinking these things. i took two weeks off from work but to be honest i really dont want to go back. i know and understand i'm not the only one that has gone or will go through this but i really just want to stay in bed and not feel...

an idiota moment....

last nite i hungout with santis and as usual i had soo much fun. everybody already knows how much i love him, last nite and early this morning* i loved him even more!!! santis i just wanted to tell you thank you for ALWAYS being there for me. this very very early morning was a nite** to remember and i'm glad i shared it with you. Sonrisa wouldn't be Sonrisa without her Santis by her side. Te quiero un chingo guey!!!!!

thanks!!!

*i will explain more later when i get more details!!! i promise

** i say nite instead of morning because it was 1:30 a.m. so technically its still nite...isn't it?

crazy lady on the bus...

i have mentioned before that i have come across the strangest, wierdest and oddest people on the bus. well today i got on the bus, sat down next to this lady that looked nice and quiet. i'm thinking "this will be a nice ride". I took out my book and started reading. within a few seconds, the lady starts mumbling...cant make it out so i just ignored her. but she doesnt stop and she gets louder. "yo les digo que yo no soy criada de nadie" ok? i'm thinking to myself. she starts getting angry!!! "yo tengo que trabajar y no voy a cuidar a nadie!!" she then looks at me and tells me "verdad que si muchachita?" i smile and knod my head yes. at this point i'm no longer reading but pretend i am. she goes on by saying "muchachita, porque los ninos piensan que pueden hacer lo que quieran conmigo?" i look up and im thinking "what the fuck?!??!? i just want to read!!" but tell her "yo no se, senora" and she was going to keep on talking but she then realized that the next stop was hers....thank my fridita for that!!! crazy lady on the bus wouldn't let me read!!!

on a different note. mr. motorcycle got me an ipod!!! yay for me!!! thanx mr. motorcycle!!!!

i love sex...

i love sex!!! if i could have sex 3 times a day, every day i would!!! there i have said it!!! AND with that said let me tell you whats going on....

all of the relationships that i have had ever since i left the abuser have been very sexual. I haven't had a relationship in which we started of just getting to know each other....well we do get to know each other IN BED.!! very well might i add. So anywho, the three people that i was dating have now evaporated down to one. Mr. handsome, the 42 year old, turned to be a very obsessive dude...btw thanx joel for looking out for me...Ms. Eclipse is turning out to be just a very good friend. We've been hanging out alot more but really nothing will ever happen again. Once was more then enough...for both us. NOW mr. cw, OMG!!!! this guy well, we've been seeing each other alot and yes the relationship is very sexual...which is why i want to keep him around for a very very long long time!! ehehehe...seriously, this is quite a different relationship experience for me. turns out mr. cw likes to talk!!!...ABOUT HIS EMOTIONS!!! i know what you are all thinking "the guy is gay"...actually i've thought about that and well i really dont think he is. He just likes to let me about how he is feeling, how his day went, what he plans to do tomorrow, stuff like that. we actually talk!!! it really is nice to have a conversation with someone you find attractive. usually if i find the person attractive and the feeling is mutual it usually just ends up being a sex thing. with Mr. CW is different though. i find him very attractive and he tells me i'm the most "bonita muchacha" and i'm his "corazon"therefore i'm assuming the feeling is mutual. So anywho, i'm not falling in love...i don't believe in it...but i'm just enjoying mr. cw's frienship and lovin'...wink wink

hello there!!!!

so very sorry for not blogging but my life has been a complete shambles...hehehee okay it hasn't i just like to be dramatic about things. so this is whats going on with me....

i quit my job at Sinai...the one in which i worked with the kids that had been arrested for minor offenses. i'm still at Rush...totally love that job. just today i was offered a job at the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation. I will be working in Pilsen and Little Village giving presentations on how to prevent cervical cancer. I'm really excited about this job because i will be focusing on Latino women!!!! i will try my bestest to stick with this job. i'll probably be hanging at chanclitas store more often because most of the presentation will be at El Valor. just around the corner from chanclitas store. YAY for me!!!

i'm dating!!!! yes i am dating...three people actually. two men and a woman. hehehehe. seriously i am. Chanclita and Santis i forgot to mention these other two people last time we talked. The one that i'm taking more seriously will be called mr. handsome...because he is super duper handsome. he is a 42 year old man and he is already looking for someone to settle down with. This totally scares the crap out of me!!!! mr. handsome is very understanding and very caring and a great person overall but just the thought of the possibility of spending the rest of my life with him scares me!!! the guy is great so why am i so scared??!?!?! the next guy we will call mr. CW (construction worker). he works for the city and booooy does he have the body of a construction worker!!!! i want him to be the father of my children!!!!...yes thats how good he looks!!! he makes me laugh...ALOT!!! i feel super duper comfortable with him. AND he has opened up to me about everything. he has talked to me about his family in mexico and his father. how he doesn't really get along with him but wishes he could. he talks to his mom every day. he has a 3 year old baby girl and he constantly talks about how cute she is and then says "when you meet her you are going to fall in love with her!!" "what?!?!?! you want me to meet her?" is what i said the first time he said that. "of course i want you to meet her!!!!" he tells me. yes indeed i feel comfortable with him. not sure if i should mention the third yet, oh what the hell!!! we will call her ms. Eclipse. she is a nice girl and very pretty but i believe she still has alot to experience in life. to be honest she has surprised me quite a bit. we will be going out tomorrow night and i'm actually looking forward to it. maybe i'm attracted to her because i will be showing her new things *wink wink*. seriously, she is a very sweet girl. we are at the "getting to know each other stage" even though we have known each other for a few years already. I don't think anything is going to happen with ms. Eclipse aside then the two of becoming good friends.

so there you have it!!! i had a good christmas and fell asleep before the new year arrived. Kachis continues to be a spoiled brat but i love him that way. my nephew is in college and continues to do great!!! i've been helping out mr. motorcycle alot with his school work. i started working out!!! yes, i am working out!!! its been about three weeks and i think i'm doing good...well accept when i visit my sister upstairs. man, that woman can cook!!!! i had lost 3 pounds last week and i gain them back this week!!! she made homemade tortillas!!!! how can i refuse homemade tortillas!!! AND have i mentioned that it's fucken cold in chicago!!!!! i'm soooo ready for the summer!!!!

hola my peeps!!!

i know its been in a while but really not much has changed.  i still don't like my job at Sinai Hospital but totally love my job at Rush Hospital.  I miss Santis...ALOT!!! i've seen chanclita a few times and must thank her for listening to me.  Thanks Chanclita!!!  I think i have mentioned this before but i totally hate the holidays!!! especially christmas!!! GRRRRRR!!!  each year i try to make the best of it though.  what else can i do?  i may be going to mexico with mr. motorcycle for the new years.  yay!!!!!  mr. rico suave just informed that we might be going to the rose bowl...hmmm? we'll see what happens.   thats it for now my fellow bloggers....later later.  hope all is well in your worlds...

baby cooties!!!

there are sooo many cute babies next door to my new office!!! soooo freakin' cute!!! i went to the breakroom earlier and a tiny little baby boy waves bye to me!!! so adorable...BUT i can't help to think of the massive amount of baby cooties!!!! i get sooo scared of baby cooties!!!!! for some strange reason i easily get sick when a sick baby is around me. i can be around 100 sick adults and not get sick but if there is ONE baby with a cold around me i can assure you i will get sick within 24 hours.

my new office is next to the nursery at sinia...they also see the pediatrician while they are here so i know theres baby cooties going around!!!

BABY COOTIES!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHH....there should be a baby movie with screaming adults running away from the babies because they have cooties...hehehhehehe

no point no moral just thought i would share

strong individuals....

it was around this time last year that my brother in law started to get sick. i was talking to dork last night and i was telling her that i hate that no one around me seems to understand the pain i'm going through...especially rico suave. i don't expect them to cry with me or be depressed but at least acknowledge that i'm going through something. i know i know, i'm being selfish. last night i HAD to call dork because i didn't know what else to do. after talking to her i started thinking about all the people that had lost someone close and dear to them. i admire all of you because like dork said "we all have to put on our strong faces when we go out . in the world". AND i've come to realize that its sooo freakin' difficult!!!! i truelly admire all of you!!!

i cant help but be angry though!!!!

I hate it that he isn't with us!!!!! i hate that i can't talk to him or tell him my crazy adventures!! i know he would have gotten a kick out of seeing rico suave and me dressed up for halloween. he would love kachito always getting out of my apartment just to end up upstairs. he would have made my friends laugh this weekend by trying to speak english. i miss him telling me "tu estes bien loca gorda!!!" or "que vida la de la gorda" when i'm being silly.

this weekend's my nephews 19th birthday...his son....and i just keep thinking about last year....

thank you...

i've been super duper depressed for the last few weeks. i've tried to hide it but lately i haven't been doing a good job. yesterday i was at my lowest though.

you see, i havent been doing a great job with my full time job as a youth advocate. i have to be honest, i HATE working with kids!!!! they are sooo rude and unappreciative!!! and honestly i don't understand how these kids get to where they are at!!!! A few weeks ago i saw a kid and his answers to EVERYTHING was "i don't know and i don't care!!" and then i tell him "i don't like this attitude you are giving me!!" his response!!!? "i don't care" GGGGRRRR!!!!! i'm trying but i have to admit i'm not trying my best!!! mostly because these kids and parents REALLY DONT CARE!!! SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!!!! i don't like that i feel this way...this is part of the reason i'm depressed. AND all of this not caring has been showing on my work and paperwork...or lack of paperwork!! so anyway, my supervisor, whom i have only seen once(that was during the interview process) ever since i got hired calls me to tell me we need to meet. i totally freaked!!! mostly because i felt i let myself and her down and the kids. I called Santis for advice. i was crying uncontrollably before, during and after our conversation. i felt like a failure. i felt like i had disappointed Santis, Rico Suave, Dork, my supervisor...i felt like a failure!! i have been feeling like a failure for quite some time. Santis was great though!!!! He was telling me to do this and say that..."let it run its course". So anyway, before i went to go see the supervisor i fixed the paperwork as much as i could and then typed up my resignation letter. YES, i was ready to quit!!! i actually thought i was going to get fired...okay so in the back of my head i knew i wasn't going to get fired but it was wishful thinking. So i get all my stuff ready...the cell phone they provided for me, the business cards, the ID badge and my cases and lets not forget my resignation letter stating the usual "thank you for giving me the opportunity blah blah blah and if possible i would like today October 31, 2007 to be my last day". i cried again before i walked out of my place. I asked my Fridita to give me strength and apologized to her for dissappointing her. By the time i got to my supervisors office i was cool, calm, and collected. She asks me what was going on because two parents have called saying that they haven't been called...oh yeah did i tell you that i have more then 50 kids on caseload!!! so i tell her "i'll be honest with you i'm feeling overwhelmed!! and my mistake has been that i haven't come in to tell you how overwhelmed i have been and how you as a supervisor can alleviate some of this work." I went on by telling her "i was ready to quit about a month and half ago but a co-worker, the only person who has been helping me out, convinced me not to. he asked me what changes in the program would make me not want to leave. and told him that i wished i had my own office to go to with my own computer and my own office phone and regular hours." and i went to telling her "there is simply no structure, I've realized that i need structure!!! i need to go work and feel that i'm not the only one feeling like this because i have co-workers to talk to and exchange ideas" I told her that RonRon, the co-worker, had asked me to stay until december because he had heard that things were going to change but i just didn't see myself doing that.

Her response blew me away!!!!! she starts by saying "i apologize for all of this. i should have met with you alot sooner. i will take all the blame for all of this. With that said, as of monday, you will have your office here at the hospital with a computer and a working telephone. There will be no need for you to go to the police station to pick your cases because the cases will be brought to you. I am personally asking you to give me until December. I will increase your salary and my door will always be open if there is anything you need. i want to thank you for being this honest because i see now that i do have to make changes. i will also tell the case managers to stop giving you cases because the maximum caseload is 30 and well you are waaay over and I understand how you would be feeling overwhelmed" and she went on by telling me other things that were going to change and then tells me "now go home and have a good evening because you deserve it" as i was walking towards the door i tell her "this totally not how i invisioned this meeting to go" and she laughs and tells me "well, maybe we can talk about that later, wwaaaaay later" and laughs some more and continues by saying "i will see you here at 9 in the morning on monday".

As soon as i left i called Santis to tell him all of this and to thank him for listening to me. Santis you just dont know what it means for me to have you in my life!!!! i love you soooooo much my dear friend!!!! i went home, took a shower, fixed myself something to eat, and waited for the little tricker treaters. i cried while doing all of this by the way...i've been trying to figure out why i'm sooo depressed. at about 5:30, dork calls me to ask me if she could stop by so that i could help her out with her costume...she was going to a halloween party. i said "sure come over" and then she asks me "whats wrong?, you sound down" one of the many reasons i love dork is because she reads me like a book...i don't have to say anything for her to know that i'm going through something. Anywho, i tell her what happened. i also mention to her that i've been depressed for awhile and she asks me why. i tell her that i didnt know that maybe its the weather. she tells me "dork everybody gets like this when the weather changes but we will talk some more when i get there".

When she comes over she tells me "get your nurse's costume ready cause you're going with us" i was totally shocked!!! she hates me going out with her and her friends. I tell her "are you sure?!?!?" and she tells me "dork, you need this tonight!! now go get ready!!!" i had the best time ever!!!!! thank you dork for inviting me and being such a great sister!!!!

Now i have to figure out what the hell is going on with me...

i just to want to say...

CHICAGO FIRE WON!!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!
they played against DC!!!! have i mentioned that CHICAGO FIRE WON!!!!
Joel, i was thinking of you throughout the game ;-) oh yeah, have i mentioned that CHICAGO FIRE WON!!!

ok, i need to stop because they are playing on Thursday again against DC...i wouldn't want Joel to rub it in face just incase Fire looses...which i know they wont, i hope!!!

Lets go FIRE lets go!!!!

laters

per DC's request....

well, i'm already planning the wedding!!! we will be getting married in february!! can you believe that!?!?!?! aaaawww, you guys know me too well!!! of course i'm not getting married!!!

yeah, el paisita turned out be a stalker!!!! an annoying stalker at that!!!! he would call me as soon as he saw me getting home...and it didn't matter if it was at 3 o'clock in the morning!!! of course i didn't answer when he called at that time. the last conversation i had with him he told me what time i would go out and what time i came home!!! what the !$$@$@%!!??!!? AND he also has his cousins checking up on me!! "mi primo te miro salir con tu amigo a las 8:30 el sabado, quien es el y a donde fueron?" it's none of you fucken business dude!!!!! it really got scary and annoying. he also would whistle in front of my apartment for me to come out!!! hellooooo??!?!?!? you've got my cell number!!! use it!!!!! instead of whistling!!!! i haven't talked or seen him in two weeks...i'm sure he knows what time i got home yesterday though...hehehheheehe

well, nothing else exciting happening in my life. i went to a pumpkin patch last weekend...i had loads of fun!!!! i got a huge pumpkin!!!! i'm also getting ready for Halloween!! YAY!!! i'm going to be a nurse this year!!!! yay!!! Rico Suave is going to be a surgeon!!! I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!...

well, my fellow bloggers have a good weekend!!!

discriminatory or just being realistic?!?!

The following is a conversation that i had with my sister Dork regarding a guy i met when i first moved to the village. This guys has been nice and sweet to me. We have talked three times and i've gone to see him play soccer once. After the soccer game he walked me home and asked me to be his girlfriend!!!! WHAT???!!!? i just met you?!!?!


Sonrisa Morena: this is my thing....i don't want to go out with him because first of all its scary to think of me being a relationship...just incase you hadn't noticed i'm terrified of them!!!! i feel that if i do end up dating him this will turn into a very very serious one. AND if i do end up dating him its because i know exactly where he lives and he knows people in the neighborhood so its not like he is a complete stranger. however, i also think that he is waaaay to close for me to be dating...for crying out loud he lives right across the street!!!

Dork: LOL...

Dork: okay....

Sonrisa Morena: and then i think...what if this my last chance? and then i think he is undocumented and he is only wanting to get that from me

Dork: umm...

Sonrisa Morena: i think too much!!!

Dork: and not mention that you guy's are probably from oppisite ends of the world...

Sonrisa Morena: yes!!!!

Dork: yeah you are both mexican...

Dork: but seriouly dork....

Sonrisa Morena: dork he doesn't speak not word of english!!!

Sonrisa Morena: my world is completely different from his!!!! come on!!! i bet if it were up to him el ya me hubiera robado!!!

Dork: you know all this is gonna come and slap you across the face...

Sonrisa Morena: i know!!!! but aren't i being discriminatory

Dork: tu con tu educacion y pues apenas si fui a la escuela y tus amigos me ven como menos...
Sonrisa Morena: yes!!!!!!!

Sonrisa Morena: holy crap!!!!!

Sonrisa Morena: i've been stressing out all this week over this!!!!

Dork: no dork you are just being realistic....

Sonrisa Morena: i wanted to talk to you about this!!!!

Sonrisa Morena: you really do understand!!!!

Dork: Like you told me when I was with Mr. Kos...if you are gonna go for it you have to have a thick skin and not let it get to you otherwise it will never work.

Sonrisa Morena: damn, i told you that?!?!??!?!

Dork: yup...

Sonrisa Morena: i don't think i will be able to have a thick skin with him...

Dork: that's what I am saying..

Dork: first of all.....

Sonrisa Morena: i've thought about taking him out with my friends and family and well it just doesn't look good

Dork: ahy.....dork you like to complicate your life.

Sonrisa Morena: seriously, like i was telling second mom, el de verdad es un rancherito

Sonrisa Morena: tell me how im complicating my life? if i haven't done anything yet...i told him that it would be best for us to get to know each other more when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Dork: you know what I am imagining...if you go for this....

Dork: I am imagining you with your long hair again....with dresses and going to church, does that sound familiar...

Dork: oh yeah and the part of being unhappy becasue you are not being you...

Sonrisa Morena: damn!!! you be one harsh gal!!!

Dork: no dork...am just telling you the truth...

Sonrisa Morena: AND don't you think that thats why im terrified of relationships

Sonrisa Morena: with anybody not just paisitas...i think like that even with girls i've gone out with

Dork: I dunno...

Sonrisa Morena: and thats why i'm going to be alone

Sonrisa Morena: FOREVER!!!! FOR EEEEEVVVVEEERRRRRR

Dork: you get lost...

Dork: that's the problem...

Sonrisa Morena: i do!!! i really do

Dork: so then work on that...

Sonrisa Morena: i know that about me!!!

Sonrisa Morena: i've been trying too

Dork: you are like a chamelion...

Sonrisa Morena: i think i've gotten a little better

Sonrisa Morena: at least i hope i have

Sonrisa Morena: so back to your 20 pounds...

Sonrisa Morena: whats going on with you?

Dork: nothing...there is no time for anything to be going on with me

My fellow bloggers what the hell is going on with me?!?!??!?! I don't think I'm better than this guy...do i?!?!?!

dont be offended....

I had dinner with the HOLA gang on sunday. I love the gang but lately its been like a chore to go out with them. someone is ALWAYS late!!! someone ALWAYS doesn't have enough for dinner...well this wasn't the case this time...someone doesn't show up or forgets to tell one of us that they will be bringing some one so the waitress or waiter gets upset at us because they have to rearrange the table to make room for the extra person. Anywho, i was sooo frustrated on sunday that as soon as i walked into Iberico...spanish restaurant...i wanted to walk back out!!!

i was having such a good day too. i went to a chicago fire...soccer...game right before i met the gang. it was an awesome game too!!! i didn't understand a thing that was going on but just being in the almost brand new Toyota Park with all those nice looking soccer players and crazy fans made it worth while. I also thought of Joel...yes i thought of you...because chicago fire played against DC.

So anywho, we all got sitted and we talked about what was going on with our lives. ms. j and mr. motorcycles are both back in school and i'm going to apply in november. mr. cop is also in school and is thinking of going Federal...what ever that means..and looking into moving to Texas some time in the future. The conversation was good...then i said something that really upset ms. j. the rest of the gang didnt seem to even have noticed but i noticed that it really upset ms. j and with good reason. Here's the the part where i say "please dont get offended".

Ms. j mentioned something about her sending an e-mail from home so mr. motorcycle asked if she got a new computer. she says " my mom got me a lab top when i returned to school" and i said "wow, must be nice to be white"...i was just kidding though!!! (btw, just in case you hadn't figured it out ms. j is white) okay a little bit of me envies that part of her. she got really upset so she "left to get cash from the ATM". when she returned she said "Ms. Cali says hello" which of course was obvious to me that she had called ms. Cali...her best friend...to vent on what i had just said.

why am i sharing this with you? well because i feel guilty!!! but not for the reasons you may think but because i actually did mean that comment..."must be nice to be white". i'm sorry that i hurt Ms. j's feelings but i can't help feeling that way. i have often wondered what it would be like to be white!!! not that i'm not proud of being a mexican. i love my heritage!! i really do!!! i love the person that i am...well actually i'm a bit disappointed at what i discovered during this dinner about myself but is it really my fault that i feel this way? i consider myself very lucky to have the privileges i have sometimes, though, i get tired and frustrated at all the unfairness...for a lack of a better word.

Ms. j is a great person and she has worked hard and continues to work hard to get the stuff she wants but she has gotten alot of support. I remember when i first met her she told me "my dad got me a car for my graduation" WHAT?!?!? i know its not her fault but like i mentioned before i can't help but be a little envious. all i got when i graduated from college was "una hoya de frijoles". i remember when i told my dad that i was going back to college and his response was "nadamas vas a perder tu tiempo porque eres bien pendeja!!" so considering that response i'm glad i at least got that "hoya de frijoles."

other thoughts also came to mind as i sat in the restaurant...not wanting to be there but being polite. i remember ms. j calling me her little "ESL friend". I let that go though because i knew that she was messing around and that she really valued our friendship...at least i hope that was the case. or when i was waiting for the train once and this white man came up to me asking for directions. he tells me "wow, your English is great!! you have no accent!!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? why the hell would i have a fucken accent asshole?!!? thats what i really wanted to say but didn't. i only said "thank you" and walked away angry!!! or the time that my white fifth grade teacher started calling me "maria" because she couldn't pronounce my name!!! maria isn't even close to what my real name is!!! or when ever i start a new job and a white co-worker says "oh, now i have someone to practice the little spanish that i know". i had to go to school and learn english so you go do the same ASSHOLE!!!! thats what i want to say but i only say "sure why not". ALL of these things i find offensive!!!!

by the time dinner was over i was sooooo angry and frustrated i just wanted to go home and chill. instead mr. rico suave and i ended up going over to mr. motorcycle's to watch the Bears loose...BIG TIME!!! what the hell is up with the bears this season!?!!? but this is another post...

i just want to say that i'm really sorry ms. j that i offended you....i really dont know what else to say though.

hola...

i know i know its been a while. i've been busy with my two jobs....came to realize i really do need a car!!! i'm still working with kids and i'm still at Rush Hospital working with adults. Lately, though i've been wanting to quit both jobs. I'm tired of being a social worker. i don't want to do this anymore, i'm constantly trying to fix somebody's problem. maybe i'm burning out. maybe i just need a break. i was seriously thinking of quitting both jobs and applying at target the other day. i'm tired people!!!! anywho, enough of that.

I went to the mexican independence parade this sunday. i haven't been to that in yeeeeears. probably 15 years!!!! it was fun, i guess. it was nice being silly with all the little babies around me. i left before the parade was over. i had to go pee, hehehehehe. anywho, the only reason i went was because mr. rico suave wanted to go. glad i went, otherwise i wouldn't have met Saul and Armando...the little babies i was being silly with.

have i mentioned that i want a baby. i want a baby!!!!! i'm looking for donors. I talked to mr. motorcycle the other day about this. he started laughing when i told him "all i need is 15 minutes of your time, well it really depends on you but really it should be over in 5". he couldn't stop laughing "pinche sonrisa!!!" is all he kept saying. i was serious though!!! i really want to be a mommy!!! i think i would be great mommy!!! okay let me stop before i start crying.

nothing major going on right now in life. hmmm? my nephew Rocker started college!! omg!!!! i couldn't stop crying the day before. i just cant believe that 18 years ago i was the first one to change his diaper when he was brought home and now he is in college!!! his dad would have been soooo proud!!!

okay, lets talk about happy things!!! i got my bike sit stolen....IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION!!!! so this isn't happy but its kind of funny and sad at the same time. so yeah, i went to pick up my cases at the police station on california and i figured it was a nice day so i rode my bike. i was only at the station for 10 minutes, maybe less. just went upstairs, said my hello's, grabbed my cases and went back downstairs....less then ten minutes. as i walked toward my bike i realized my sit was gone!!!! BASTARDS!!!! what is the this world coming to!!!! so anywho, i tried riding without a sit but my legs got too tired. i called my daddy to go pick me up and he just laughed. he tells me "alguien lo necesitaba mas que tu". what ever daddy!!! then i told him that last time my bike got stolen but they left me the sit and he tells me "por eso lo hicieron entonces. porque sabian que tenias un extra sit" WHAT EVER DADDY!!!! i'm just outraged that they did it in front of the police station!!!!! GGGGGRRRRR!!!!

so thats my story and i'm stickin' to it!!!!

laters my fellow bloggers!!!

holaaaa!!!

hey there my fellow bloggers!!!
i feel like its been forever!!!

well lets see... where to begin? i'm still loving my job!! i'm still looking for a romantic partner!!! and i still love kachito!!! even if he is evil!!! ehehehe

seriously, i had a really good weekend!!! my birthday/housewarming party was this weekend. i had soooo much fun!!! many of the people that said were coming didn't make it...but thats okay. i still had an awsome time and i hope my guest did too. chanclita and mr. chancla stopped by as well as santis!!! i wished santis would have stayed longer but oh well there is always next year. i had an impersonator who did a great job imitating pablo montero and rogelio martin!!! and then i did my gloria trevi dance!!! i had a blast!! chanclita and mr. chancla won the "pimp my 40" contest!!!! great job chanclita!!! they got to take a bottle of jimadores tequila home...santis and i will be waiting for an invitation soon ;-) i had so much fun!!!!

must get going...laters