to supportive husbands...

I've seen alot in my years of working in the health care community but what i saw yesterday totally blew me away. When I'm at the oncology clinic I mostly wait around 'til the doctor calls me into the patients room...this is after he/she speaks to the patient to let the patient that she has been diagnosed with cancer. Sometime, though, the doctor asks me to be in the room while the doctor is checking the patient...I only see cervical and breast patients. Mind you these women are already very emotional and then to have this stranger in the room while the doctor checks her does not help any. Yesterday was one of those days in which I was asked to see the patient while the doctor checked her, she is a breast cancer patient. I was prepared to be with a very emotional patient. I was prepared to be supportive. But then the doctor asked her to take her blouse off then her bra, at this point she looked at me. The doctor asked if she felt comfortable with me being in the room. She responded yes. I asked her too, told her that I didn't need to be in the room if that's the way she wanted it. She reaffirmed that it was okay. She took her bra off. Her right breast was totally disfigured. I have seen pictures of such things but never up close and personal. Her nipple or what was left of the nipple was very sensitive. The radiation had left plenty of scars, along with the ones from the surgery, all around her breast. "is the cancer gone?" she asked. This patient had had a lumpectomy, only part of her breast was taken off, and was lucky not to have the cancer spread, yet. Alot went through my head as she put her bra back on. Her husband brings her to clinic every time and is always very affectionate. It just made me want to give him a hug as well just for being there with her. I don't know how their relationship may be at home but while in the clinic he seems to be a very supportive man. He must be going through alot as well. In my head I kept telling myself "please let it all be okay!!". Sometimes I wish I could tell them that but I know that's the worse thing I tell people when they are going through such things.

The patient is recovering pretty well but the risk of the cancer coming back is very high...this makes me very very sad.

can't sleep...

I once again cant sleep...its 10 minutes to 2 a.m...therefore I decided to blog. About what? not sure, but I'm sure something will come to mind. By the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR AND ALL THAT CRAP!! ;-)

Okay so I will write about what has motivated me to loose weight (which by the way has nothing to do with the "new years resolution" crap). I am ashamed and embarrassed to even write about it but I have to!! I just have to so it stops bugging me!! Let me start by saying that it is very very vain on my part...this is where the ashamed and embarrassing part comes in. I knowI don't have a nice body or am at all that pretty but a few days ago I was watching t.v. and i saw an overweight half naked guy. I was not all impressed...mind you I find chubby people very attractive. One of the girls started criticizing the guy...which was totally mean by the way...on his appearance. I usually let these things go, mostly because the girls tend to be mean bitches without a heart but this time it hit a nerve!!! I am at my heaviest weight right now and I just can't believe I allowed that to happen. Santis tells me I look beautiful no matter what...he is very very good for my ego... and that I am making a big deal over nothing. But I started thinking, "I don't want people saying those things about me" Like I said before I usually don't let things like this get to me but for some reason this freakin' show upset me!!! I even told myself, "Sonrisa, you MUST be pms-ing!!!" to try to calm myself down. It hasn't been helping. So anywho, now every time I'm thinking of eating something fattening I tell myself "do you want to be that overweight half naked girl that everyone criticized"...in my revised version the guy turned into a girl. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be back to my "who gives a fuck!?!!?" attitude which I'm sure Santis will totally appreciate!! For now though, I MUST try to loose some weight...

I can't sleep...

its 1:30 in the morning!! I've been having problems sleeping lately...of course this has been an on going battle for me ever since I can remember. I remember when i used to live at the parents i used to look out the window and eavesdrop on the gang bangers. "I did this girl!! real good!!"..i had no idea what they were talking about back then but it kept me entertained at 2 in the morning. Many people have suggested that i take sleeping pills but i refuse to start taking them. I don't know why i don't feel comfortable taking them. I guess i figure i have been going through this all my life and have somehow survived so why start now.

But enough about that, so this evening my sister came downstairs to my place. We talked about what was going to be happening for New Years Eve in regards to the food. Of course there will the traditional pozole but that's actually for New Years Day. Apparently the other sisters have decided that we will be catering...which to be honest i think is great!! There are many reasons why i don't like the holidays...and as the years have gone by they just keep piling up...but the one thing that truly annoys me is the whole food situation!! "pues yo no voy traer nada porque ni siquiera ayudan!!" "yo hice esto el ano pasado y no se lo comieron!!" "mommy can't do this anymore so if you want it ask your wife to cook it!!". It's just constant nagging!! AND criticizing!!! Like i told my nephew yesterday "i HAVE to be drunk when i go to the parents to be with the entire family!" "it helps that your a happy drunk tia" my nephew replies (he truly understand me..hehehehe). I was also telling my sister today that i really don't like going to the parents because that house just brings back alot of feelings and memories that i have worked so hard to forget about. Its sad to say but i don't have very fond memories of that house, i hated living there!! Don't get me wrong, i appreciate the fact that i had a home, i had food, i had both parents and my sisters and brothers but i have really bad memories about that place that have truly left me traumatized and wondering about the type of person i would be had alot of those things not happened to me. I don't think i have to say how much i love my family, i really do!! I would do anything for them!! ANYTHING...i just wish i didn't feel the way i do every time i have to go to that house.

santis de-virginized me!!!

I had never ever in my entire life had a polish from Maxwell!! AND today Santis made it happen!! omg, it was delicious!! I've only heard about how great these polishes were and stories about how people tend to stop there after a night of drinking... which i will totally do next time i'm out drinking!!...but i've never gone to "Maxwell" to get a polish sausage.

So we are driving to the "drive through" and santis tells me "all these cars are here for the same reason, a polish!!" As we are looking for a parking space i noticed that people are eating in there car. i asked santis "are we going to eat in the car too?" he tells me "that's the way to do it!" we get out of the car, buy the polishe sausages and go back to the car. It as the bestest lunch ever!!

i had my first good day!!

yes i had my first good day at work!! i think i'm finally getting on the doctors good side.

i walked in the clinic and saw the doctor walking towards me. i asked my usual question "do we have any new patients today?" and she started responding with her usual answer but then surprised me by saying "I'm bombarded today but the charts are in my office, you can look through them and see if there are any new ones" i said "thank you" but in head i was doing back flips!!! i was thinking "holy crap!!! is she really allowing me to do that!?!?" AND it gets better!! I'm in my office when a the nurse calls to tell me that the doctor had asked her to call me so that i could try to reach a patient because " i had a good record of doing that." OMG!!! i really didn't think the doctor was noticing anything i did!!!

yes, indeed a good day...

good times...

so i guess i had a good weekend even though De La Hoya lost!!!! but at least the Bears won...

I had the guys over this weekend to watch the fight. Dino brought over the projector and he set it up in the living room. Bean brought 5 cases of beer, some frozen pizzas and chicken wings. Pokey Reese, along with his dad, brought a bottle of tequila. Mr. Motorcycle brought his cousin and his enthusiasm. Jewels brought the chips and dip. Elle brought a bottle a wine. I made some mini sub sandwiches and some cup cakes. Am i missing something or someone? HELL NO!!! we had us some good time!!! we were all hyped up for the fight, drinking and placing bets ...jewels won!!...and then we were let down!!! UNBELIEVABLE!! I knew De La Hoya was going to loose but i never ever thought he was going to give up!! AND so soon!! oh well such is life...we did have a great time.

The best part of the weekend though was waking up on Sunday, going upstairs to my sister's and having a bowl of Pozole...yummy!! it hit the spot!!! my sister and i talked about the fight and how goofy my friends are. This was Jewels first time watching a fight...she didn't even know who De La Hoya was!!...so throughout the fight she kept saying "no, don't hit his face!! not his face!!" covering her eyes and asking me to let her know when it was over "because he was too cute to be hit on the face". Jewels was funny...good times

running late...

I was running late this morning and everything that could have gone wrong did!! why is that?

Anywho, i missed my first bus then got on the "local bus" instead of the express bus so the bus would stop in every freakin' bus stop. Two individuals that were on wheel chairs got on and off the bus before my bus stop, that takes alot time. Then some mentally challanged kids (not a joke) who were apparently going on a field trip got on the bus...the adults supervising them seemed to be overwhelmed. AND there was construction on Ashland and Roosevelt and Ashland and Harrison, my destination was Ashland and Division. A ride that should have taken 15 minutes took 1 hour!! I usually call my patients to let them know that I'm running late but today I didn't...had other stuff on my mind. My patient however called ME instead. I was so embarrassed. All was well though. I saw her, she is healthy and looking good for a 72 year old. I was planning on doing some hours at the Oncology clinic but opted not to. I'll just have to do that tomorrow.

you know what though, I am having a good hair day..hehehhehe

I'm bitter this week!!!

I don't like the holidays!!! AND this week i was supposed to have my baby!!! AND one of the doctor's whom i work with pissed me off today!!! AUGH!!! i really want this freakin' week to be over. no point no moral just thought i would share this...

HELLO...

I'm back from Mazatlan!!! I wish I was back there!!! the weather was perfect!!! well actually it was hot as hell but I didn't really feel it because I was either on the beach or in the pool at the hotel I was staying at. I soooooo didn't want to come back!!!! I had sooo much fun!! I went parasailing, drank pacificos like there was no tomorrow and danced at Mambo Cafe almost every night. I even got to meet Emilio Estafan!!! Nice dude, very polite. I ate shrimp every day, the guys at the bar from the hotel became my buddies, and I got a really nice suntan. What else could I have asked for!?!

After my Mazatlan trip, I went to Atlanta to a 4 day conference for work. Must say that I wasn't really impressed with Atlanta...not much to do over there. Well, actually I didn't really try to do much. Every day after the daily conference I was mentally exhausted. I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and chill. I was also starting to get homesick. I hadn't been to my place in over two weeks!!! I went to Atlanta right after my trip from Mazatlan. I came back on a Sunday from Mazatlan picked up my other suitcase...I had it ready with conferency clothes... and head it back to the airport. I didn't even get a chance to chat with Kachito. So by Friday I was anxious to see him!! yeah, yeah, I'm a dork but I don't care. I was starting to miss Kachito a whole lot.

I also just wanted to come home to my sister and cry...my baby's due date was November 27th...this is really the real reason for me to wanting to come back home. As much fun as I had in Mazatlan that thought always came to my mind and it only got worse when I was in Atlanta.

Sorry for closing on such a depressing note...but I do appreciate you allowing me to do so.

Mazatlan here I come!!!

I'll be going on a very well deserved vacation...if I do say so myself!!! I'm going to a Halloween Party (I'm going to be a cowgirl, yeehaaaw!!) tomorrow night and from there I'll go straight to airport (my flight leaves at 4 in the morning) and catch my flight to Mazatlan!! oooh I can't wait!!! I'll be going with a group of friends whom are loads of fun!!mostly because they like to drink as well, ehehehehe. I cant wait to be drinking una pacifico by the pool, relaxing and chillin'.... laters.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

deep fried fish...

yummy!!!

Mr. motorcycle came over this past Saturday, brought some fish, potatoes, garlic, and his enthusiasm of cooking. My sister has a deep fryer, the kind that is used to deep fry a turkey, so we took it out to the back yard and fried ourselves some fish!!! It was perfect weather for it!! I called my nephew, Rocker Dude, and Mr. Motorcycle called Mr. Bean, Mr. AL, and Mr. Dino. We had ourselves some good times. We had ourselves a good dinner and drinks while watching the game. I'm for Tampa Bay but by the looks of it Philadelphia has it in the bag :-(

As much fun as I had this weekend with the guys, I had to ask myself ..."why do i always become one of the guys?" I've asked Mr. motorcycle and Santis and they tell me that its because guys tend to feel comfortable with me so they start talking about things they normally wouldn't talk to a girl about. I don't know how i feel about this. I do have fun with the guys but sometimes I wish I had girl friends...i only have two, Chanclita is one of them (I think she considers me a friend). At the same time, though, I have always found guys waaay more fun than girls....no offense. Is there something wrong with me?

apple picking...

La familia and I went to our annual apple picking family event this weekend. as usual we got lost...you would figure we would now where this place is considering we go there every year!! as usual we all got frustrated but at the end we laughed about it. I got myself some gala, mcintosh and golden delicious apples!! yummy!! i also got some cider, apple cinnomon and pumpkin donuts!! i love going to that place!! i just hope one year i wont get frustrated!!

YAY!!!!!

I GOT TO RIDE ON MR. MOTORCYLES BIKE!!!!

The wind blowing hair away from my face as I leaned towards him on purposed because "i was nervous"...hehehehhe

MISC...

I HATE WORKING WITH DOCTORS!!!!!

misc. thoughts

this morning on my ride to work i started thinking about "why do men cheat?" Oprah, yes i'm mentioning Oprah, did a couple of shows a few weeks ago and what it came down to...according to the psychologist on the show who happened to be a man... was that it was the woman's fault!!! it is the woman that makes the man feel alone, not wanted or needed therefore the man goes to find it somewhere else. according to the show, it has nothing to do with sex. does it really have nothing to do with sex? i'm a huuuuge believer that everything boils down to sex.

i don't know why i started thinking about this...i just thought i would share.

should i get her attention...

this morning on my way to work i saw a grade school friend. as i saw her get on the bus i was wondering if i should talk to her. she hadn't seen me yet so if i wanted i could have totally ignored her. i opted not to. I've known this girl since we were in 7th grade then we went to high school together. we haven't seen each other in over 15 years!! she still remembered me...last name and shiii. she asked me the usual questions, are you married? do you have any kids? where do you work? you still leave the hood ha? I TOTALLY HATE THESE QUESTIONS!!!! i only hate being asked these question from grade and high school friends though. i don't know why but that just annoys the crap out of me!!! anybody else can ask me this but when it's someone that i haven't seen in years it just makes me feel like they are asking to see who is doing better. does that make sense? anyway, once we got past that it was better. we mostly talked about her kids...beautiful kids by the way. i'm glad i got her attention.

wierd weather...

talk about chicago weather!!! i'm all into reading my patients notes...okay i was also really reading Joel's blog about his freaky co-worker when i look out the window. its sunny now!!! it was gloomy and pouring just a few minutes ago!! totally works out for me because i need to go to the store after work. anywho, no point no moral just thought i would share this with you.

waiting for the bus...

a couple of months ago i was waiting for the bus on Grand and Homan. I was minding my own business listening to my i-pod. The bus was taking forever to get there...about 45 minutes...but i didn't mind because i had extra time to kill and the weather was perfect. not too hot on this particular day. there was another person waiting for the bus and he was getting very very impatient. walking back and forth to see if the bus was coming. about 20 minutes of waiting, i noticed a girl with skin tight jeans and a wife beater shirt that was cut off to her belly button. young pretty girl but had that look of "i only fuck for money"on her face. she walked over to me asking for a light. "sorry, don't have one". she then walked over to the guy that was also waiting for the bus. she, however, walked very seductively towards him. gave him the "i know you want some of this" look. He smiled and says "don't smoke honey" before she even asked him. he then proceeded to go the middle of the street to see if the bus was coming. it was obvious to the girl that she was being challenged. she walked away, again very seductively, to a store that was near by. she kept looking back at the guy with the "i know you want me asshole!!" look on her face. she came back smoking her cigarette. walked towards the guy. she is now facing the guy, drops the cigarette, looks at him, swings her booty towards him and bends down to pick it up. starts walking away barely touching his arm with hers and continues walking. I'm thinking "this guy ain't pursuing you because he ain't got money!!!" sure enough the guys starts talking to me. he just got out of jail for beating up his brother and he was on his way to see his parole officer. no wonder hewas sooo impatient. he was going to get his ass locked if that bus didn't come soon!!

somebody love's you...

i'm in my new office listening to Patti LaBelle's "somebody loves you" song and have decided that i want to blog. I still don't know what i'm doing with my life but so far i've started a new job. I'm a Patient Navigator/Research Assistant at the Oncology Clinic at UIC (University of Illinois) hospital. I work with newly diagnosed breast and cervical cancer patients. I meet with patients and try to assist them as much as i can through the whole process. i mostly do alot counseling and have the patient cry on my shoulder...this is the patient navigator part of the job. The research assistant part of the job is way more difficult i believe. mostly because i have to find a way to ask newly diagnosed patients a total of about 60 questions regarding their experience with the health care system in the past. REALLY?!?!?!? these women just found out they have cancer!!!! they don't want to answer questions about the health care system!!! I usually try my best to listen to them on their first visit. I explain to them what my role is and then tell them that i will be looking for them in a few weeks when they come back for radiation and/or chemotherapy to ask them some questions. i'm trying not to get too involved with these patients but i must admit that on my ride home i think about them. about the "WHY ME?" question they all seem to ask. my new boss is pushing me to go to the school of public health to get my master's. she thinks i have it in me to be a great researcher and with a master's she can get me to work with her on future projects. so far she has been GREAT!! but like i said before i still feel lost...i hope this is just a phase i'm going through and if it is i wanted to be over soon!!

taking a break...

my fellow bloggers i need a break from everything...EVERYTHING. i haven't been myself for a while and i need to do some soul searching. unfortunately i wont be going to india or some other place that is known for finding your soul. i'll still be in chicago walking down the streets with a dazed and confused look on my face. so 'till then my fellow bloggers....