well i'm six months pregnant!!! 3 more months and i get to meet my baby. i've been told it will be a girl whom i have decided to name Isabella. my niece already started calling her Chabelita :-)



I'll be very honest, i'm scared! i'm not nervous just very scared. when i decided that i wanted to be a mom i didn't really think it was going to be this difficult. Dont get me wrong, i knew once the baby got here i knew that part was going to be difficult however these past 6 months have been brutal for me... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've become very anti-social which makes me feel horrible because i have been alienating myself from "friends"...i put friends in quotations because my being pregnant has made me realize who truly are my friends and who were just around for the party girl Sonrisa.



I've been on anti-depressant for the last 10 years and had to go cold turkey without them once i got pregnant. I have talked to my doctor about it and she gave me ulternatives but i refuse to take anything for my depression because i don't want anything going wrong with my baby...i would blame myself for not being strong enough if something came out wrong had i taken the route my doctor talked about. i went through withdrawal symptoms which were horrible!!! i find myself not wanting to be around people, they annoyed and continue to annoy me!!



Physically, i'm always tired. i can't walk one block without getting out of breath or feeling like i'm going to pass out...especially on those very hot humid days. My ankles and feet swell up and look like, i actually don't know how to describe it. I have also developed carpal tunnel!! apparently this is normal for some pregnancies. I use to have horrible headaches but they stopped now. The first three months were the worst. Headaches, nausiness, depression, morning (all day) sickness, hormones going crazy, not able to hold anything in stomach. Emotions were out of wack...happy that i was finally going to be a mom but consistantly crying because i was scared of having another miscarriage...craziness!!!! why is it that nobody talks about these things?!!!

I think i'm finally feeling better...i still throw up once in a while but i think it's the baby not digging what i ate. I'm less tired/fatigued. i'm getting huuuge though!! i've tried eating healthy and small portions but i'm ALWAYS hungry!!! People still annoy the crap out of me!!! therefore i have become a hermit!!...a very content hermit!! if people, "friends", don't like it then they can just go blah blah blah themselves!!!

okay, enough with the complaining!!! I seriously can not wait to meet my baby!!! i feel her move in my tummy every day and i keep asking her "what are you doing in there little baby?" I personally think she's having a party in there!!! "hey, i want to be invited!!" i tell her.

I haven't started buying her things or started her room yet...i'm too scared. yes, i understand that i'm over the 3 month stage and that everything "should" be okay but i'm still scared...i had a miscarriage before and well i was left very traumatized, something alot people seem to not understand!! it drives me crazy when i hear things like "you should do this and that..." or "why are you thinking that way?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! that's what i usually want to do when i hear such things!!! i know that there are tons of women who have miscarriages but it happened to ME!!! i'm sorry if people think i'm weak or stupid for thinking this way but again it happened to ME!!!

i was actually going to start decorating her room last weekend but i got some not so very good news from the doctor. my doctor told me that the baby's heartbeat was irregular and "for precautionary" reasons she was sending me to a fetal cardiac specialist. i'm trying my bestest to remain calm but sometimes i just loose it!! i keep telling myself that all will be ok...as long as i keep feeling her moving inside my tummy "all will be ok". so now i'm waiting for the fetal cardiac specialist to call me with an appointment. i know everything will be ok...it HAS to be ok!!

Chabelita, i can't wait to meet you!!!!

hola...

hmmm? i'm tired and sleepy and can't wait for this week to be over!!! we (rush university along with Sinai Hospital and Norweigan American Hospital) will be opening a Diabetes Empowerment Center in the Humboldt Park area and let me tell you it has been draining me!!! must get posters ready, get list of furniture ready, make sure the furniture gets to the center BEFORE this friday. oh yeah, this Friday will be the grand opening so we will be having a ceremony. all are welcomed!!! This Friday April 23, 2010 at 2-4:00 at Division and California. you won't be able to miss it because we will be having live music outside the center!!!! anywho, i'm tired and i want this week to be over!!!!

one more thing....i've been wanting to scream this to the world since yesterday!!!!! OMG!!!OMG!!! OMG!!!! I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!! i saw my baby move in my tummy yesterday!!! it was the most amazing thing i have ever experienced!!!! and i'm not really ready to scream it out to the "real world" so i decided to scream it out here...in "my" world :-)

does anybody just get tired? for no apparent reason...you just get tired!! tired of everything and everyone. tired of pretending things are ok when you know that they aren't. tired of telling yourself "tomorrow is a new day". tired of smiling but not really meaning it. just plain ol' tired...

mi chiquillo made me cry today...

I went to my parents earlier today para el recalentado. i walk in and first thing my dad says "sientate a comer mi 'ja". There were three ollas de tamales on the stove...tamales rojos, tamales verdes, y tamales de dulce...and una olla de caldo de pollo. I tell daddy "ahorita papi. dejeme ver de que tengo ganas". I few minutes later i grabbed a pan and fried me some eggs...yes!!! i ate 2 fried eggs when there were tamales galore!!! anywho, after i finished eating i went to my parents room to be by myself (by this time the whole family was there again) and to watch t.v. my younger sister followed me though...eh *shrug my shoulder*. She comes in the room and says "watcha doin'?". "nada, just flipping the channels". She comes in and we start talking about family, work, school, and stuff like that. she also tells me the cutest story ever!!!

She tells me that a few days ago my little nephew (who is ten years old and lives downstairs from my parents and my sister) goes upstairs to visit her. She asks him "are you bored baby?" and he says yes. So then she asks him if he wants to go to the store with her. he says "sure!! i need to stop at the dollar store to get some earrings". my sister responds "oooooh, earrings for me?" my nephew starts laughing and says "maybe? maybe not? can be for you or my mom or a girl, who knows". my sister tells my nephew that she wasn't planning on going to the dollar store but rather to the mall and asked him if that would work too. He said "yes!! let me just ask my mom". Well, his mom also ended up going with them to look for the earrings. According to my sister, they had gone to different stores looking for earrings but my nephew was not satisfied with any of the ones they saw. My sister kept asking who the earrings were for so she could have an idea of the type of earrings to look for but all my nephew would would say was "for a friend". My sister kept suggesting different types and colors but no, my nephew did not like them. "They were not perfect enough". His mom also gave him suggestions, "mi'jo, mira estos moraditos estan bonitos. se me mirarian bien a mi". my nephew did not like any of the earring his mom suggested either. The next store they headed to was Carson Pirie Scott. Apparently, that's where he found "the ones!!". My sister says that he saw them (pearl earrings...fake pearl earrings) and said "estos!!! estos son!! these are perfect for her!!!". "are you sure?" my sister asked him. "si!!! estos son!!". "okay, so lets go pay them, get in line" my sister says. He gets in line, tells the cashier that he is ready to pay for the earrings. "$8.34" says the cashier. My nephew takes out a sandwich bag full of coins!!!! he puts the bag on the counter to pour out the coins but the coins fall off the counter. at this point my sister in law starts laughing a little too loud so my sister tells her to be quiet!! not to be rude!! "es que se me hace chistoso!!" says my sister in law. "well it's not!!" says my sister and starts helping my nephew pick up the coins. mind you, by now my sister was in tears because she thought the whole thing was too cute. My sister says that the cashier was very nice and sweet about the whole thing.

Anywho, they go home and my nephew starts to wrap the earrings but is having a hard time doing so. He asks his mom for help, "mommy, no puedo enredar el regalo", he says. So his mom helps wrap the gift and as she is doing so she asks, "mi'jo y quien es esta amigita?" my nephew responds "alguien muy especial, mommy".

Christmas day gets here and my sister starts passing around the gifts, "Maaami!, Paaaapi!!, Aaaapple!, Sonriiisa!, Fresitaaaa!, Looooli!" and so forth. she screams out my sister in laws name and notices that my sister in law starts crying when she saw the tiny little box. holidays have been very different and difficult for us these past few years so my sister didn't really think too much of it so she continued to scream out names. She later on asked my sister in law if she was doing better. my sister in law says "mi chiquillo me hizo llorar". "porque?" asks my sister. "los aretes eran para mi!!"

today i broke someone's heart and i feel like shit!!! the look of disappointment will forever be engraved in my mind. i love him but i just couldn't do it...as much as i wanted to i couldn't get myself to do it.

I'm tired and sleepy and i just really want to go home and pass out!!! but i can't. must entertain some friends tonight...they are trying to hook up but neither one of them is willing to make the first move. WTF?!?!?! just say something about it and stop using me to see each other!!

I have tons of work to finish at Rush!! and just started a new job at Stroger Hospital...it's only for 3 months but they are training me as if i'll be staying there for the next 10 years!! FUUUCKK!!!! i already have another job lined after the 3 months are over so they better not be thinking that i'm going to stay there!! i actually do enjoy the job...at Stroger Hospital...but i want to stick around at Rush University since i have just been informed that i will be starting the nursing program there next summer!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

have i mentioned that i'm tired and sleepy?

i had a good weekend this weekend. very relaxing and calming. was out in the woods with my friends...not really out in the woods. we did have the necessary things like a fridge, a stove, and a pool :-) hehehehehe. hey the cabin is out in the woods and so is the pool!! so technically i was out in the woods, right? hope every one had a nice weekend as well.

even for a non-believer like me...

I went out for a drink a few days ago with a friend and he told me the most romantic story ever!!! the story goes like this...

A young man had just broken up with his girlfriend because his girlfriend had started using drugs...heroine. He had given her so many chances to clean up but the girlfriend, as much as she tried, just couldn't get herself straight. The boyfriend had decided that enough was enough and as much he loved and cared for her he knew the best thing to do was to let her go. The poor guy was depressed for about two years. He didn't date and ALWAYS wondered if he did the right thing by leaving his girlfriend. One day, after two years had past, while at work...he was a photographer...he was taking pictures for some Nike commercial and he saw who he thought was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen since his girlfriend. He went out to get two dozen roses and walked towards the model. He gives her the flowers and says "i don't know if you are in a relationship and i really don't care but what i want you to know is that someone fell in love with you today in just five minutes. So when ever you feel unappreciated or you feel lonely think about today. You have awaken feeling in me that i thought i would never ever have again and i want to thank you for that." The guy walked out of the room. TRUE STORY!!!

tell me that isn't romantic?!?!?!!

confession and good times...

there so much i want to write about but every time i start typing i can't seem to get the words out. i must admit that alot has to do with Joel not blogging anymore. i miss his stories, point of views, thoughts...his craziness. anywho, here's what has been happening in my life.

I celebrated my b-day a few weekends ago...as usual i performed. i teased my hair, wore what i thought was an 80's outfit to be Amanda Miguel. El Me Mintio was what i performed. according to la familia and friends i sucked!!! ehehhehe. hey, i try. oh yeah, this was the first time ever that i had my friends and famalia together for one of my b-day parties!!! must admit that i was nervous at first but when daddy came over with mommy all was cool. all of my brothers and sisters showed up!!!...well except for the one who continues to struggle with her abusive husband. my sister got him arrested but then decided not to press charges. i know she will leave him when she is ready but it is just too difficult to see her go through this crap. anyway, the rest of my brothers and sisters were, that made me super duper happy!!! good times.

my nieces had there quinceanera the weekend after my b-day weekend. that was fun too. my daddy couldn't stop crying which made me cry. my babies are growing up!! why?!??! why?!?!? i want them to be babies forever!! can you imagine if these kids were mine? i think i'd commit suicide just thinking of my babies becoming adults!! okay, so i'm being dramatic. so back to the quinceanera, my nieces were beautiful. i still can't get over it!! BEAUTIFUL i say!! they danced micheal jackson's thriller...love it!! another good times.

hmmm? oh yeah, i went to lollapolooza on friday. that was aite. it rained all day, nonstop!! i was soaked by 1 in the afternoon!!! completely soaked!! got to see depache mode though...not a fan of the guys but must admit they gave an awesome concert!!! good times.

this weekend will the August fest!!! yay!!! the church, Blessed Agnes, organizes it each year. it's only a block away from where i live. so if anybody is around my hood come and join me for the fest!!...rides, food, mexican trinkets, live entertainment...good times to be had!!

dread locks, pink pants, and tacos...

So last Friday I met up with D Man at around 2 in the afternoon at The Little Mexican Cafe in Edgewater. We had a few margaritas then headed out to Bucktown to meet up with Shot Guy. Shot Guy, D Man, and I had about three shots each when we got to Four Shadows. At this point, I had decided to stop drinking because somebody had to take care of us. We then headed over to Wrigeyville. I'm not really sure the name of the bar we ended up at but it was on Clark, a couple of blocks away from Wrigley Field. The music of was awesome!!! I was drinking (you didn't really believe me when i said i had stopped drinking did you?) and dancing, doing my own thing when both Shot Guy and D Man tell me it's time to go...DAMN!!! I was in my own little world by then. So we get in a cab to head over to Uptown. We met up with one of Shot Guy's friends at Uptown Lounge and ended the night there. I passed out at D Man's place only to wake up a few hours later because my niece was calling me. She was having a little graduation party...8th grade...for herself and asked me to help her out. DAMN!!!! i was still drunk!!!...but familia will ALWAYS come first!! i decided to take a cab back to Little Village because public transportation was going to take too long and my niece texted me SOS! ASAP! I get to my place and go upstairs trying to act "normal" when i noticed that my sister, my second mom, is pissed!!!...hence the SOS! ASAP! text. i was thinking "FUCK!! i need to get out of here without attracting attention to myself!" i asked if anybody had cleaned the grill, "no". GOOD!! i can go outside clean the grill and drink tons of water!!! but most importantly be out of everyone's site!!!

By the time the party had started i had sobered up. D Man called me to tell him to meet up with him at Sabor A Mexico on 26th Street...one block away from where i live. i was totally shocked he was there!! i tell him "dude, i'm with la familia. i can't leave. you come over". AND he does...WASTED!!! he walks in and says hello to my familia then goes straight to my apartment only to pass out on my couch for a few hours. Shot Guy calls me later in the evening to tell me he wants to go to the "tranny" bar. He comes to my place we then head over to the tranny bar. By this time D Man had sobered up. We spent a few hours at the tranny bar...D Man was getting a kick out of it. D Man is a straight black man who just couldn't believe that some of those women were actually men!!! Shot Guy was enjoying himself as well but kept his cool...Shot Guy is a white gay man. Once the show was over, Shot Guy decided he was hungry so we walked over to Atotonilco for some tacos.

So here I am, a mexican girl, with a white gay man wearing pink pants, and a staight black man with long dread locks walking into a small mexican restaurant at 3 o'clock in the morning. Normal right? hmmm? EVERY single person in that restaurant...which is usually semi-packed at this time...turned their heads and just stared at us!!! HOLY SHIT!!! IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!! they continued to stare at us as we walked toward a table and sat down. once we sat down, the people kept on staring!!! it was as if a UFO had walked in!! as we were eating our tacos we decided to count how many people were still staring!!!...i counted 6, Shot Guy counted 7, and D Man decided he didn't want to be part of it. Even as people left, they walked out staring.

Seriously, what is so weird about a mexican girl, with a white gay man wearing pink pants, and a straight black man with long dread locks walking into a small mexican restaurant at 3 o'clock in the morning?

I hung out with la familia this weekend...two weekends in a row...and just like last weekend i truly enjoyed being with them. My brothers and sisters mean the world to me!!

i have a headache. my lower neck is hurting like there is no tomorrow. too much stress i guess. too much going on with la familia of which i really don't want to get in. i can't seem to stop crying. i keep telling myself that all will work out the way its supposed to. i came across some pictures of my brothers and sisters when were younger. i look at our faces in the pictures and start thinking about how our lives are right now. i haven't stopped crying since i came across those pictures. we are smiling on those pictures, saying cheese to whom ever was taking the picture. i want to go back to that day...smiling and saying cheese.

might as well go to La Fogata...

I went to the Mexican Fine Arts Museum for the Sor Juana event. I will not get into detail about the event because this is not what I want to focus on. What I do want to focus on is what happen before the event. My friend L and I were debating where we should go have dinner before the event. I suggested three places: Cebollitas, La Fogata, and Nuevo Leon. We both have been to Nuevo Leon but neither one of us was too crazy about it BUT...big huuuuge B.U.T...we wanted to have some drinks. We were both under the impression that Nuevo Leon sold alcohol so we figured lets sacrifice ourselves for a margarita. We get to the restaurant and I'm getting the "no alcohol" vibe. I ask the waitress, "venden bebidas alcolicas (sp?) aqui" and she says no. L and I look at each other and start laughing. Without saying a word we get up and leave the restaurant. As we were walking back to Ashland I say "might as well have some good food since they sold no alcohol" therefore we went to La Fogata!!! We were laughing our way to the restaurant...btw, it has AMAZING food!!

hair and a bottle of wine to save the day!!

So I've been feeling a bit down lately...mother's day didn't help one bit!! I don't want to get into details so I wont. I will tell you my ritual though...somehow it became a ritual...for my really really super bad days.

When my older sister (my second mom) got married I cut my hair. I felt like she was abandoning me. So I had to cut my hair!! Gosh darn it!!!... I didn't know any bad words then, well I did but i wasn't allowed to say them therefore not allow to even think about them. And when I say cut my hair, i really cut my hair. My hair was past my waist and I cut it shoulder length.

When my older brother got married, I cut my hair...I felt like la familia was getting smaller by the minute. Boy I was I wrong!!

When I got kicked out of my house...for spending the night with the abusive boyfriend...I cut my hair!! Fuck the world!!! I'm going to start living!!

short!!! When I finally got rid off the abusive boyfriend I cut my hair...super duper short. Toni Braxton andHalle Berri short!! This is when I started drinking so along with my haircut came a bottle of wine. Go to hell fucken' asshole!!

When I finally got invited back into family gatherings I cut my hair. Hell yeah, I'm bacck!!!...along with a bottle of wine. Fuck yeah!!

My point being is that when ever something major happens or when I'm feeling super depressed my hair and a bottle a wine seem to help me out.

I woke up this morning and I said "Sonrisa, you need to let it go!!!" So I waited for the afternoon, I got my wallet, walked over to Moreno's Liquor store, bought myself a bottle of wine, and scheduled an appointment with the neighborhood salon lady....the lady that seems to ALWAYS fuck up my hair but since she is only 4 houses away from me and I would be buzzing,
I figured why not!!!

I opened up my bottle of wine, drank two glasses of wine, and walked over to Neighborhood Lady's Salon and told her to chop it all off!! ....after all it has been my ritual for years, right?

Well, Neighborhood Lady was not having it!!! "tienes un pelo muy bonito y no lo voy a hacer!!!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??!? I'm going to pay you!!! anywho, to make a long story short, she only made the layers shorter so now my hair looks like Billy Ray Cyrus back in the days!!! WTF?!?!!?I do appreciate the lady trying to save my hair...thanx, Dona Neighborhood Lady!!... but I have a ritual that needs to be completed. MUST GET ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE THOUGH...HEHEHEHEHE

this weather sucks!! it's cold and it hasn't stop raining all day :-(

sex or love?

some people tend to confuse sex and love. i have always been the type of person who believes that sex is just that, SEX. however, people sometimes assume that because there was sex then there must be LOVE.

"unforgettable night"

This weekend i got an e-mail from someone i haven't seen in about 6 years ...actually it's going to be 7 years this summer. in this e-mail she told me she has never forgotten the night we spent together. This person and i were acquaintances before this "unforgettable night", as she puts it on the e-mail. I had known her for about a year or so therefore i knew plenty about her. She had two kids with two different daddies...she now has a total of 4 kids, all have different dads. Once I took her to get an abortion...that was her 3rd. I gave her the whole "don't use abortion as birth control". she always put her kids first, EXCEPT when it came to men!! i knew she carried alot of baggage therefore always kept my distance. One time though, we went out, had dinner, a few drinks and afterwards went out dancing. the usual one thing led to another happened. She was dating someone at the time, a man, so i didn't think much of it. We had sex, had a good time and thats that. After that night we still talked but not as much...like i said she had too much baggage. She would start dating a guy, she would soon move in with and these men would end up hitting her therefore she would "hide" from them. She was consistently in and out of shelters. of course she knew that i had worked at a domestic violence survivors agency so she would ALWAYS call me. I bailed her out so many times I lost count. I got so tired of it that it got to the point in which I was just not answering her phone calls anymore. I know that was mean but how many times was I going to "save" her?!?!?

This past December she got a hold of someone who knows me and that person gave her my cell number without asking me if it was okay!! I must admit that i was angry but at the same time happy to hear from her. Has her situation changed any? NO!!! she left to another state with an abusive man...she now lives in a shelter with her four kids. when we talked she asked me if i still lived on the north side. i said "no, i moved back to little village" she asked me if i lived alone or if i had found that special person. I said "no, i live alone with my cat, in a three bedroom apartment, my cat has his own room" i joked around. AND then she tells me "i'm having problems with the guy i'm with, he hits me and i'm scared". I was not going to say it!!! she continues "i have already started looking for shelters over here but i think i'm going back to chicago" AAAAHHH i'm not going to say it!!! "can you help me out with some shelters?" she asks. I said "hmm? i'm not familiar with anything over where you're at but i'll see what i can do". what she really wanted me to say was "why don't you come and stay with me" but i just couldn't!!! that was the last time i talked her or had any type of communication. 'Til this weekend...

In this e-mail she writes about how she misses me. she goes on to talk about that so called "unforgettable night", my smile, my warmth and blah blah blah. she goes on by telling me that she is straight but is willing to be with me and ONLY me because "yes i love you!! there i've said it! I LOVE YOU!" Do i ever think about her because she thinks about me ALL the time. and about her wondering why i turned my back on her when she most needed me. AND she really wants me to answer all these questions.

I responded by telling her that i had turned my back on her because i was exhausted!! I told her that i was very happy to hear from her again but upset and angry that she once again, after all these years, found herself in the same situation over and over and over again with different men. AND that this time she even moved to another state in which she knew she was not going to have any support system!! I just keep thinking about her kids!! Those kids...why does she keep doing this to them!! She responded back by saying that she was disappointed with my response and to look into my heart and give her another chance. I responded by saying "i can't, that is all i'm saying...i just can't".

I know i'm being mean but honestly i really really can't do it anymore!!

i don't care what people say....PEOPLE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE!!! not sure if that's a good thing or not. i'm still trying to figure it out!

NOTHING KILLS ME MORE THAN THE "WHY ME?!!?" QUESTION!!

I saw a patient today who was crying hysterically asking that question. As i hugged her she kept calling her mom...this is a 47 years old woman with 7 children and 8 grand kids. She kept telling me how much she was going to miss them. The cancer started spreading pretty rapidly last month...she now has it in her throat. I hope we find a fucking cure soon!!! It just kills me to see these women in so much pain!!!

sleep study...

so my doctor sent me to do a sleep study because she feels my sleeping pattern has something do with me being tired all the time...she ruled out diabetes and thyroid. anywho, i go in tonight. i really don't want to do this because there's going to be all these people analyzing me!! AND i don't like to sleep in an unfamiliar bed!! oh looorrrrdddd!!