well i'm six months pregnant!!! 3 more months and i get to meet my baby. i've been told it will be a girl whom i have decided to name Isabella. my niece already started calling her Chabelita :-)



I'll be very honest, i'm scared! i'm not nervous just very scared. when i decided that i wanted to be a mom i didn't really think it was going to be this difficult. Dont get me wrong, i knew once the baby got here i knew that part was going to be difficult however these past 6 months have been brutal for me... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've become very anti-social which makes me feel horrible because i have been alienating myself from "friends"...i put friends in quotations because my being pregnant has made me realize who truly are my friends and who were just around for the party girl Sonrisa.



I've been on anti-depressant for the last 10 years and had to go cold turkey without them once i got pregnant. I have talked to my doctor about it and she gave me ulternatives but i refuse to take anything for my depression because i don't want anything going wrong with my baby...i would blame myself for not being strong enough if something came out wrong had i taken the route my doctor talked about. i went through withdrawal symptoms which were horrible!!! i find myself not wanting to be around people, they annoyed and continue to annoy me!!



Physically, i'm always tired. i can't walk one block without getting out of breath or feeling like i'm going to pass out...especially on those very hot humid days. My ankles and feet swell up and look like, i actually don't know how to describe it. I have also developed carpal tunnel!! apparently this is normal for some pregnancies. I use to have horrible headaches but they stopped now. The first three months were the worst. Headaches, nausiness, depression, morning (all day) sickness, hormones going crazy, not able to hold anything in stomach. Emotions were out of wack...happy that i was finally going to be a mom but consistantly crying because i was scared of having another miscarriage...craziness!!!! why is it that nobody talks about these things?!!!

I think i'm finally feeling better...i still throw up once in a while but i think it's the baby not digging what i ate. I'm less tired/fatigued. i'm getting huuuge though!! i've tried eating healthy and small portions but i'm ALWAYS hungry!!! People still annoy the crap out of me!!! therefore i have become a hermit!!...a very content hermit!! if people, "friends", don't like it then they can just go blah blah blah themselves!!!

okay, enough with the complaining!!! I seriously can not wait to meet my baby!!! i feel her move in my tummy every day and i keep asking her "what are you doing in there little baby?" I personally think she's having a party in there!!! "hey, i want to be invited!!" i tell her.

I haven't started buying her things or started her room yet...i'm too scared. yes, i understand that i'm over the 3 month stage and that everything "should" be okay but i'm still scared...i had a miscarriage before and well i was left very traumatized, something alot people seem to not understand!! it drives me crazy when i hear things like "you should do this and that..." or "why are you thinking that way?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! that's what i usually want to do when i hear such things!!! i know that there are tons of women who have miscarriages but it happened to ME!!! i'm sorry if people think i'm weak or stupid for thinking this way but again it happened to ME!!!

i was actually going to start decorating her room last weekend but i got some not so very good news from the doctor. my doctor told me that the baby's heartbeat was irregular and "for precautionary" reasons she was sending me to a fetal cardiac specialist. i'm trying my bestest to remain calm but sometimes i just loose it!! i keep telling myself that all will be ok...as long as i keep feeling her moving inside my tummy "all will be ok". so now i'm waiting for the fetal cardiac specialist to call me with an appointment. i know everything will be ok...it HAS to be ok!!

Chabelita, i can't wait to meet you!!!!

hola...

hmmm? i'm tired and sleepy and can't wait for this week to be over!!! we (rush university along with Sinai Hospital and Norweigan American Hospital) will be opening a Diabetes Empowerment Center in the Humboldt Park area and let me tell you it has been draining me!!! must get posters ready, get list of furniture ready, make sure the furniture gets to the center BEFORE this friday. oh yeah, this Friday will be the grand opening so we will be having a ceremony. all are welcomed!!! This Friday April 23, 2010 at 2-4:00 at Division and California. you won't be able to miss it because we will be having live music outside the center!!!! anywho, i'm tired and i want this week to be over!!!!

one more thing....i've been wanting to scream this to the world since yesterday!!!!! OMG!!!OMG!!! OMG!!!! I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!! i saw my baby move in my tummy yesterday!!! it was the most amazing thing i have ever experienced!!!! and i'm not really ready to scream it out to the "real world" so i decided to scream it out here...in "my" world :-)

does anybody just get tired? for no apparent reason...you just get tired!! tired of everything and everyone. tired of pretending things are ok when you know that they aren't. tired of telling yourself "tomorrow is a new day". tired of smiling but not really meaning it. just plain ol' tired...

mi chiquillo made me cry today...

I went to my parents earlier today para el recalentado. i walk in and first thing my dad says "sientate a comer mi 'ja". There were three ollas de tamales on the stove...tamales rojos, tamales verdes, y tamales de dulce...and una olla de caldo de pollo. I tell daddy "ahorita papi. dejeme ver de que tengo ganas". I few minutes later i grabbed a pan and fried me some eggs...yes!!! i ate 2 fried eggs when there were tamales galore!!! anywho, after i finished eating i went to my parents room to be by myself (by this time the whole family was there again) and to watch t.v. my younger sister followed me though...eh *shrug my shoulder*. She comes in the room and says "watcha doin'?". "nada, just flipping the channels". She comes in and we start talking about family, work, school, and stuff like that. she also tells me the cutest story ever!!!

She tells me that a few days ago my little nephew (who is ten years old and lives downstairs from my parents and my sister) goes upstairs to visit her. She asks him "are you bored baby?" and he says yes. So then she asks him if he wants to go to the store with her. he says "sure!! i need to stop at the dollar store to get some earrings". my sister responds "oooooh, earrings for me?" my nephew starts laughing and says "maybe? maybe not? can be for you or my mom or a girl, who knows". my sister tells my nephew that she wasn't planning on going to the dollar store but rather to the mall and asked him if that would work too. He said "yes!! let me just ask my mom". Well, his mom also ended up going with them to look for the earrings. According to my sister, they had gone to different stores looking for earrings but my nephew was not satisfied with any of the ones they saw. My sister kept asking who the earrings were for so she could have an idea of the type of earrings to look for but all my nephew would would say was "for a friend". My sister kept suggesting different types and colors but no, my nephew did not like them. "They were not perfect enough". His mom also gave him suggestions, "mi'jo, mira estos moraditos estan bonitos. se me mirarian bien a mi". my nephew did not like any of the earring his mom suggested either. The next store they headed to was Carson Pirie Scott. Apparently, that's where he found "the ones!!". My sister says that he saw them (pearl earrings...fake pearl earrings) and said "estos!!! estos son!! these are perfect for her!!!". "are you sure?" my sister asked him. "si!!! estos son!!". "okay, so lets go pay them, get in line" my sister says. He gets in line, tells the cashier that he is ready to pay for the earrings. "$8.34" says the cashier. My nephew takes out a sandwich bag full of coins!!!! he puts the bag on the counter to pour out the coins but the coins fall off the counter. at this point my sister in law starts laughing a little too loud so my sister tells her to be quiet!! not to be rude!! "es que se me hace chistoso!!" says my sister in law. "well it's not!!" says my sister and starts helping my nephew pick up the coins. mind you, by now my sister was in tears because she thought the whole thing was too cute. My sister says that the cashier was very nice and sweet about the whole thing.

Anywho, they go home and my nephew starts to wrap the earrings but is having a hard time doing so. He asks his mom for help, "mommy, no puedo enredar el regalo", he says. So his mom helps wrap the gift and as she is doing so she asks, "mi'jo y quien es esta amigita?" my nephew responds "alguien muy especial, mommy".

Christmas day gets here and my sister starts passing around the gifts, "Maaami!, Paaaapi!!, Aaaapple!, Sonriiisa!, Fresitaaaa!, Looooli!" and so forth. she screams out my sister in laws name and notices that my sister in law starts crying when she saw the tiny little box. holidays have been very different and difficult for us these past few years so my sister didn't really think too much of it so she continued to scream out names. She later on asked my sister in law if she was doing better. my sister in law says "mi chiquillo me hizo llorar". "porque?" asks my sister. "los aretes eran para mi!!"

today i broke someone's heart and i feel like shit!!! the look of disappointment will forever be engraved in my mind. i love him but i just couldn't do it...as much as i wanted to i couldn't get myself to do it.

I'm tired and sleepy and i just really want to go home and pass out!!! but i can't. must entertain some friends tonight...they are trying to hook up but neither one of them is willing to make the first move. WTF?!?!?! just say something about it and stop using me to see each other!!

I have tons of work to finish at Rush!! and just started a new job at Stroger Hospital...it's only for 3 months but they are training me as if i'll be staying there for the next 10 years!! FUUUCKK!!!! i already have another job lined after the 3 months are over so they better not be thinking that i'm going to stay there!! i actually do enjoy the job...at Stroger Hospital...but i want to stick around at Rush University since i have just been informed that i will be starting the nursing program there next summer!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

have i mentioned that i'm tired and sleepy?

i had a good weekend this weekend. very relaxing and calming. was out in the woods with my friends...not really out in the woods. we did have the necessary things like a fridge, a stove, and a pool :-) hehehehehe. hey the cabin is out in the woods and so is the pool!! so technically i was out in the woods, right? hope every one had a nice weekend as well.