sonrisa morena

2010-07-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

well i'm six months pregnant!!! 3 more months and i get to meet my baby. i've been told it will be a girl whom i have decided to name Isabella. my niece already started calling her Chabelita :-)

I'll be very honest, i'm scared! i'm not nervous just very scared. when i decided that i wanted to be a mom i didn't really think it was going to be this difficult. Dont get me wrong, i knew once the baby got here i knew that part was going to be difficult however these past 6 months have been brutal for me... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've become very anti-social which makes me feel horrible because i have been alienating myself from "friends"...i put friends in quotations because my being pregnant has made me realize who truly are my friends and who were just around for the party girl Sonrisa.

I've been on anti-depressant for the last 10 years and had to go cold turkey without them once i got pregnant. I have talked to my doctor about it and she gave me ulternatives but i refuse to take anything for my depression because i don't want anything going wrong with my baby...i would blame myself for not being strong enough if something came out wrong had i taken the route my doctor talked about. i went through withdrawal symptoms which were horrible!!! i find myself not wanting to be around people, they annoyed and continue to annoy me!!

Physically, i'm always tired. i can't walk one block without getting out of breath or feeling like i'm going to pass out...especially on those very hot humid days. My ankles and feet swell up and look like, i actually don't know how to describe it. I have also developed carpal tunnel!! apparently this is normal for some pregnancies. I use to have horrible headaches but they stopped now. The first three months were the worst. Headaches, nausiness, depression, morning (all day) sickness, hormones going crazy, not able to hold anything in stomach. Emotions were out of wack...happy that i was finally going to be a mom but consistantly crying because i was scared of having another miscarriage...craziness!!!! why is it that nobody talks about these things?!!!

I think i'm finally feeling better...i still throw up once in a while but i think it's the baby not digging what i ate. I'm less tired/fatigued. i'm getting huuuge though!! i've tried eating healthy and small portions but i'm ALWAYS hungry!!! People still annoy the crap out of me!!! therefore i have become a hermit!!...a very content hermit!! if people, "friends", don't like it then they can just go blah blah blah themselves!!!

okay, enough with the complaining!!! I seriously can not wait to meet my baby!!! i feel her move in my tummy every day and i keep asking her "what are you doing in there little baby?" I personally think she's having a party in there!!! "hey, i want to be invited!!" i tell her.

I haven't started buying her things or started her room yet...i'm too scared. yes, i understand that i'm over the 3 month stage and that everything "should" be okay but i'm still scared...i had a miscarriage before and well i was left very traumatized, something alot people seem to not understand!! it drives me crazy when i hear things like "you should do this and that..." or "why are you thinking that way?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! that's what i usually want to do when i hear such things!!! i know that there are tons of women who have miscarriages but it happened to ME!!! i'm sorry if people think i'm weak or stupid for thinking this way but again it happened to ME!!!

i was actually going to start decorating her room last weekend but i got some not so very good news from the doctor. my doctor told me that the baby's heartbeat was irregular and "for precautionary" reasons she was sending me to a fetal cardiac specialist. i'm trying my bestest to remain calm but sometimes i just loose it!! i keep telling myself that all will be ok...as long as i keep feeling her moving inside my tummy "all will be ok". so now i'm waiting for the fetal cardiac specialist to call me with an appointment. i know everything will be ok...it HAS to be ok!!

Chabelita, i can't wait to meet you!!!!

hola...

2010-04-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

hmmm? i'm tired and sleepy and can't wait for this week to be over!!! we (rush university along with Sinai Hospital and Norweigan American Hospital) will be opening a Diabetes Empowerment Center in the Humboldt Park area and let me tell you it has been draining me!!! must get posters ready, get list of furniture ready, make sure the furniture gets to the center BEFORE this friday. oh yeah, this Friday will be the grand opening so we will be having a ceremony. all are welcomed!!! This Friday April 23, 2010 at 2-4:00 at Division and California. you won't be able to miss it because we will be having live music outside the center!!!! anywho, i'm tired and i want this week to be over!!!!

one more thing....i've been wanting to scream this to the world since yesterday!!!!! OMG!!!OMG!!! OMG!!!! I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!! i saw my baby move in my tummy yesterday!!! it was the most amazing thing i have ever experienced!!!! and i'm not really ready to scream it out to the "real world" so i decided to scream it out here...in "my" world :-)

2010-02-05T14:01:00.000-08:00

does anybody just get tired? for no apparent reason...you just get tired!! tired of everything and everyone. tired of pretending things are ok when you know that they aren't. tired of telling yourself "tomorrow is a new day". tired of smiling but not really meaning it. just plain ol' tired...

mi chiquillo made me cry today...

2009-12-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

I went to my parents earlier today para el recalentado. i walk in and first thing my dad says "sientate a comer mi 'ja". There were three ollas de tamales on the stove...tamales rojos, tamales verdes, y tamales de dulce...and una olla de caldo de pollo. I tell daddy "ahorita papi. dejeme ver de que tengo ganas". I few minutes later i grabbed a pan and fried me some eggs...yes!!! i ate 2 fried eggs when there were tamales galore!!! anywho, after i finished eating i went to my parents room to be by myself (by this time the whole family was there again) and to watch t.v. my younger sister followed me though...eh *shrug my shoulder*. She comes in the room and says "watcha doin'?". "nada, just flipping the channels". She comes in and we start talking about family, work, school, and stuff like that. she also tells me the cutest story ever!!!

She tells me that a few days ago my little nephew (who is ten years old and lives downstairs from my parents and my sister) goes upstairs to visit her. She asks him "are you bored baby?" and he says yes. So then she asks him if he wants to go to the store with her. he says "sure!! i need to stop at the dollar store to get some earrings". my sister responds "oooooh, earrings for me?" my nephew starts laughing and says "maybe? maybe not? can be for you or my mom or a girl, who knows". my sister tells my nephew that she wasn't planning on going to the dollar store but rather to the mall and asked him if that would work too. He said "yes!! let me just ask my mom". Well, his mom also ended up going with them to look for the earrings. According to my sister, they had gone to different stores looking for earrings but my nephew was not satisfied with any of the ones they saw. My sister kept asking who the earrings were for so she could have an idea of the type of earrings to look for but all my nephew would would say was "for a friend". My sister kept suggesting different types and colors but no, my nephew did not like them. "They were not perfect enough". His mom also gave him suggestions, "mi'jo, mira estos moraditos estan bonitos. se me mirarian bien a mi". my nephew did not like any of the earring his mom suggested either. The next store they headed to was Carson Pirie Scott. Apparently, that's where he found "the ones!!". My sister says that he saw them (pearl earrings...fake pearl earrings) and said "estos!!! estos son!! these are perfect for her!!!". "are you sure?" my sister asked him. "si!!! estos son!!". "okay, so lets go pay them, get in line" my sister says. He gets in line, tells the cashier that he is ready to pay for the earrings. "$8.34" says the cashier. My nephew takes out a sandwich bag full of coins!!!! he puts the bag on the counter to pour out the coins but the coins fall off the counter. at this point my sister in law starts laughing a little too loud so my sister tells her to be quiet!! not to be rude!! "es que se me hace chistoso!!" says my sister in law. "well it's not!!" says my sister and starts helping my nephew pick up the coins. mind you, by now my sister was in tears because she thought the whole thing was too cute. My sister says that the cashier was very nice and sweet about the whole thing.

Anywho, they go home and my nephew starts to wrap the earrings but is having a hard time doing so. He asks his mom for help, "mommy, no puedo enredar el regalo", he says. So his mom helps wrap the gift and as she is doing so she asks, "mi'jo y quien es esta amigita?" my nephew responds "alguien muy especial, mommy".

Christmas day gets here and my sister starts passing around the gifts, "Maaami!, Paaaapi!!, Aaaapple!, Sonriiisa!, Fresitaaaa!, Looooli!" and so forth. she screams out my sister in laws name and notices that my sister in law starts crying when she saw the tiny little box. holidays have been very different and difficult for us these past few years so my sister didn't really think too much of it so she continued to scream out names. She later on asked my sister in law if she was doing better. my sister in law says "mi chiquillo me hizo llorar". "porque?" asks my sister. "los aretes eran para mi!!"

2009-10-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

today i broke someone's heart and i feel like shit!!! the look of disappointment will forever be engraved in my mind. i love him but i just couldn't do it...as much as i wanted to i couldn't get myself to do it.

2009-09-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm tired and sleepy and i just really want to go home and pass out!!! but i can't. must entertain some friends tonight...they are trying to hook up but neither one of them is willing to make the first move. WTF?!?!?! just say something about it and stop using me to see each other!!

I have tons of work to finish at Rush!! and just started a new job at Stroger Hospital...it's only for 3 months but they are training me as if i'll be staying there for the next 10 years!! FUUUCKK!!!! i already have another job lined after the 3 months are over so they better not be thinking that i'm going to stay there!! i actually do enjoy the job...at Stroger Hospital...but i want to stick around at Rush University since i have just been informed that i will be starting the nursing program there next summer!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

have i mentioned that i'm tired and sleepy?

2009-08-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

i had a good weekend this weekend. very relaxing and calming. was out in the woods with my friends...not really out in the woods. we did have the necessary things like a fridge, a stove, and a pool :-) hehehehehe. hey the cabin is out in the woods and so is the pool!! so technically i was out in the woods, right? hope every one had a nice weekend as well.

even for a non-believer like me...

2009-08-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

I went out for a drink a few days ago with a friend and he told me the most romantic story ever!!! the story goes like this...

A young man had just broken up with his girlfriend because his girlfriend had started using drugs...heroine. He had given her so many chances to clean up but the girlfriend, as much as she tried, just couldn't get herself straight. The boyfriend had decided that enough was enough and as much he loved and cared for her he knew the best thing to do was to let her go. The poor guy was depressed for about two years. He didn't date and ALWAYS wondered if he did the right thing by leaving his girlfriend. One day, after two years had past, while at work...he was a photographer...he was taking pictures for some Nike commercial and he saw who he thought was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen since his girlfriend. He went out to get two dozen roses and walked towards the model. He gives her the flowers and says "i don't know if you are in a relationship and i really don't care but what i want you to know is that someone fell in love with you today in just five minutes. So when ever you feel unappreciated or you feel lonely think about today. You have awaken feeling in me that i thought i would never ever have again and i want to thank you for that." The guy walked out of the room. TRUE STORY!!!

tell me that isn't romantic?!?!?!!

confession and good times...

2009-08-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

there so much i want to write about but every time i start typing i can't seem to get the words out. i must admit that alot has to do with Joel not blogging anymore. i miss his stories, point of views, thoughts...his craziness. anywho, here's what has been happening in my life.

I celebrated my b-day a few weekends ago...as usual i performed. i teased my hair, wore what i thought was an 80's outfit to be Amanda Miguel. El Me Mintio was what i performed. according to la familia and friends i sucked!!! ehehhehe. hey, i try. oh yeah, this was the first time ever that i had my friends and famalia together for one of my b-day parties!!! must admit that i was nervous at first but when daddy came over with mommy all was cool. all of my brothers and sisters showed up!!!...well except for the one who continues to struggle with her abusive husband. my sister got him arrested but then decided not to press charges. i know she will leave him when she is ready but it is just too difficult to see her go through this crap. anyway, the rest of my brothers and sisters were, that made me super duper happy!!! good times.

my nieces had there quinceanera the weekend after my b-day weekend. that was fun too. my daddy couldn't stop crying which made me cry. my babies are growing up!! why?!??! why?!?!? i want them to be babies forever!! can you imagine if these kids were mine? i think i'd commit suicide just thinking of my babies becoming adults!! okay, so i'm being dramatic. so back to the quinceanera, my nieces were beautiful. i still can't get over it!! BEAUTIFUL i say!! they danced micheal jackson's thriller...love it!! another good times.

hmmm? oh yeah, i went to lollapolooza on friday. that was aite. it rained all day, nonstop!! i was soaked by 1 in the afternoon!!! completely soaked!! got to see depache mode though...not a fan of the guys but must admit they gave an awesome concert!!! good times.

this weekend will the August fest!!! yay!!! the church, Blessed Agnes, organizes it each year. it's only a block away from where i live. so if anybody is around my hood come and join me for the fest!!...rides, food, mexican trinkets, live entertainment...good times to be had!!

dread locks, pink pants, and tacos...

2009-06-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

So last Friday I met up with D Man at around 2 in the afternoon at The Little Mexican Cafe in Edgewater. We had a few margaritas then headed out to Bucktown to meet up with Shot Guy. Shot Guy, D Man, and I had about three shots each when we got to Four Shadows. At this point, I had decided to stop drinking because somebody had to take care of us. We then headed over to Wrigeyville. I'm not really sure the name of the bar we ended up at but it was on Clark, a couple of blocks away from Wrigley Field. The music of was awesome!!! I was drinking (you didn't really believe me when i said i had stopped drinking did you?) and dancing, doing my own thing when both Shot Guy and D Man tell me it's time to go...DAMN!!! I was in my own little world by then. So we get in a cab to head over to Uptown. We met up with one of Shot Guy's friends at Uptown Lounge and ended the night there. I passed out at D Man's place only to wake up a few hours later because my niece was calling me. She was having a little graduation party...8th grade...for herself and asked me to help her out. DAMN!!!! i was still drunk!!!...but familia will ALWAYS come first!! i decided to take a cab back to Little Village because public transportation was going to take too long and my niece texted me SOS! ASAP! I get to my place and go upstairs trying to act "normal" when i noticed that my sister, my second mom, is pissed!!!...hence the SOS! ASAP! text. i was thinking "FUCK!! i need to get out of here without attracting attention to myself!" i asked if anybody had cleaned the grill, "no". GOOD!! i can go outside clean the grill and drink tons of water!!! but most importantly be out of everyone's site!!!

By the time the party had started i had sobered up. D Man called me to tell him to meet up with him at Sabor A Mexico on 26th Street...one block away from where i live. i was totally shocked he was there!! i tell him "dude, i'm with la familia. i can't leave. you come over". AND he does...WASTED!!! he walks in and says hello to my familia then goes straight to my apartment only to pass out on my couch for a few hours. Shot Guy calls me later in the evening to tell me he wants to go to the "tranny" bar. He comes to my place we then head over to the tranny bar. By this time D Man had sobered up. We spent a few hours at the tranny bar...D Man was getting a kick out of it. D Man is a straight black man who just couldn't believe that some of those women were actually men!!! Shot Guy was enjoying himself as well but kept his cool...Shot Guy is a white gay man. Once the show was over, Shot Guy decided he was hungry so we walked over to Atotonilco for some tacos.

So here I am, a mexican girl, with a white gay man wearing pink pants, and a staight black man with long dread locks walking into a small mexican restaurant at 3 o'clock in the morning. Normal right? hmmm? EVERY single person in that restaurant...which is usually semi-packed at this time...turned their heads and just stared at us!!! HOLY SHIT!!! IT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!! they continued to stare at us as we walked toward a table and sat down. once we sat down, the people kept on staring!!! it was as if a UFO had walked in!! as we were eating our tacos we decided to count how many people were still staring!!!...i counted 6, Shot Guy counted 7, and D Man decided he didn't want to be part of it. Even as people left, they walked out staring.

Seriously, what is so weird about a mexican girl, with a white gay man wearing pink pants, and a straight black man with long dread locks walking into a small mexican restaurant at 3 o'clock in the morning?

2009-05-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

I hung out with la familia this weekend...two weekends in a row...and just like last weekend i truly enjoyed being with them. My brothers and sisters mean the world to me!!

2009-05-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

i have a headache. my lower neck is hurting like there is no tomorrow. too much stress i guess. too much going on with la familia of which i really don't want to get in. i can't seem to stop crying. i keep telling myself that all will work out the way its supposed to. i came across some pictures of my brothers and sisters when were younger. i look at our faces in the pictures and start thinking about how our lives are right now. i haven't stopped crying since i came across those pictures. we are smiling on those pictures, saying cheese to whom ever was taking the picture. i want to go back to that day...smiling and saying cheese.

might as well go to La Fogata...

2009-05-14T23:04:00.001-07:00

I went to the Mexican Fine Arts Museum for the Sor Juana event. I will not get into detail about the event because this is not what I want to focus on. What I do want to focus on is what happen before the event. My friend L and I were debating where we should go have dinner before the event. I suggested three places: Cebollitas, La Fogata, and Nuevo Leon. We both have been to Nuevo Leon but neither one of us was too crazy about it BUT...big huuuuge B.U.T...we wanted to have some drinks. We were both under the impression that Nuevo Leon sold alcohol so we figured lets sacrifice ourselves for a margarita. We get to the restaurant and I'm getting the "no alcohol" vibe. I ask the waitress, "venden bebidas alcolicas (sp?) aqui" and she says no. L and I look at each other and start laughing. Without saying a word we get up and leave the restaurant. As we were walking back to Ashland I say "might as well have some good food since they sold no alcohol" therefore we went to La Fogata!!! We were laughing our way to the restaurant...btw, it has AMAZING food!!

hair and a bottle of wine to save the day!!

2009-05-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

So I've been feeling a bit down lately...mother's day didn't help one bit!! I don't want to get into details so I wont. I will tell you my ritual though...somehow it became a ritual...for my really really super bad days.

When my older sister (my second mom) got married I cut my hair. I felt like she was abandoning me. So I had to cut my hair!! Gosh darn it!!!... I didn't know any bad words then, well I did but i wasn't allowed to say them therefore not allow to even think about them. And when I say cut my hair, i really cut my hair. My hair was past my waist and I cut it shoulder length.

When my older brother got married, I cut my hair...I felt like la familia was getting smaller by the minute. Boy I was I wrong!!

When I got kicked out of my house...for spending the night with the abusive boyfriend...I cut my hair!! Fuck the world!!! I'm going to start living!!

short!!! When I finally got rid off the abusive boyfriend I cut my hair...super duper short. Toni Braxton andHalle Berri short!! This is when I started drinking so along with my haircut came a bottle of wine. Go to hell fucken' asshole!!

When I finally got invited back into family gatherings I cut my hair. Hell yeah, I'm bacck!!!...along with a bottle of wine. Fuck yeah!!

My point being is that when ever something major happens or when I'm feeling super depressed my hair and a bottle a wine seem to help me out.

I woke up this morning and I said "Sonrisa, you need to let it go!!!" So I waited for the afternoon, I got my wallet, walked over to Moreno's Liquor store, bought myself a bottle of wine, and scheduled an appointment with the neighborhood salon lady....the lady that seems to ALWAYS fuck up my hair but since she is only 4 houses away from me and I would be buzzing,
I figured why not!!!

I opened up my bottle of wine, drank two glasses of wine, and walked over to Neighborhood Lady's Salon and told her to chop it all off!! ....after all it has been my ritual for years, right?

Well, Neighborhood Lady was not having it!!! "tienes un pelo muy bonito y no lo voy a hacer!!!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??!? I'm going to pay you!!! anywho, to make a long story short, she only made the layers shorter so now my hair looks like Billy Ray Cyrus back in the days!!! WTF?!?!!?I do appreciate the lady trying to save my hair...thanx, Dona Neighborhood Lady!!... but I have a ritual that needs to be completed. MUST GET ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE THOUGH...HEHEHEHEHE

2009-04-13T13:44:00.001-07:00

this weather sucks!! it's cold and it hasn't stop raining all day :-(

2009-04-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

sex or love?

some people tend to confuse sex and love. i have always been the type of person who believes that sex is just that, SEX. however, people sometimes assume that because there was sex then there must be LOVE.

"unforgettable night"

2009-04-07T14:42:00.001-07:00

This weekend i got an e-mail from someone i haven't seen in about 6 years ...actually it's going to be 7 years this summer. in this e-mail she told me she has never forgotten the night we spent together. This person and i were acquaintances before this "unforgettable night", as she puts it on the e-mail. I had known her for about a year or so therefore i knew plenty about her. She had two kids with two different daddies...she now has a total of 4 kids, all have different dads. Once I took her to get an abortion...that was her 3rd. I gave her the whole "don't use abortion as birth control". she always put her kids first, EXCEPT when it came to men!! i knew she carried alot of baggage therefore always kept my distance. One time though, we went out, had dinner, a few drinks and afterwards went out dancing. the usual one thing led to another happened. She was dating someone at the time, a man, so i didn't think much of it. We had sex, had a good time and thats that. After that night we still talked but not as much...like i said she had too much baggage. She would start dating a guy, she would soon move in with and these men would end up hitting her therefore she would "hide" from them. She was consistently in and out of shelters. of course she knew that i had worked at a domestic violence survivors agency so she would ALWAYS call me. I bailed her out so many times I lost count. I got so tired of it that it got to the point in which I was just not answering her phone calls anymore. I know that was mean but how many times was I going to "save" her?!?!?

This past December she got a hold of someone who knows me and that person gave her my cell number without asking me if it was okay!! I must admit that i was angry but at the same time happy to hear from her. Has her situation changed any? NO!!! she left to another state with an abusive man...she now lives in a shelter with her four kids. when we talked she asked me if i still lived on the north side. i said "no, i moved back to little village" she asked me if i lived alone or if i had found that special person. I said "no, i live alone with my cat, in a three bedroom apartment, my cat has his own room" i joked around. AND then she tells me "i'm having problems with the guy i'm with, he hits me and i'm scared". I was not going to say it!!! she continues "i have already started looking for shelters over here but i think i'm going back to chicago" AAAAHHH i'm not going to say it!!! "can you help me out with some shelters?" she asks. I said "hmm? i'm not familiar with anything over where you're at but i'll see what i can do". what she really wanted me to say was "why don't you come and stay with me" but i just couldn't!!! that was the last time i talked her or had any type of communication. 'Til this weekend...

In this e-mail she writes about how she misses me. she goes on to talk about that so called "unforgettable night", my smile, my warmth and blah blah blah. she goes on by telling me that she is straight but is willing to be with me and ONLY me because "yes i love you!! there i've said it! I LOVE YOU!" Do i ever think about her because she thinks about me ALL the time. and about her wondering why i turned my back on her when she most needed me. AND she really wants me to answer all these questions.

I responded by telling her that i had turned my back on her because i was exhausted!! I told her that i was very happy to hear from her again but upset and angry that she once again, after all these years, found herself in the same situation over and over and over again with different men. AND that this time she even moved to another state in which she knew she was not going to have any support system!! I just keep thinking about her kids!! Those kids...why does she keep doing this to them!! She responded back by saying that she was disappointed with my response and to look into my heart and give her another chance. I responded by saying "i can't, that is all i'm saying...i just can't".

I know i'm being mean but honestly i really really can't do it anymore!!

2009-03-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

i don't care what people say....PEOPLE WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE!!! not sure if that's a good thing or not. i'm still trying to figure it out!

2009-03-17T09:30:00.001-07:00

NOTHING KILLS ME MORE THAN THE "WHY ME?!!?" QUESTION!!

I saw a patient today who was crying hysterically asking that question. As i hugged her she kept calling her mom...this is a 47 years old woman with 7 children and 8 grand kids. She kept telling me how much she was going to miss them. The cancer started spreading pretty rapidly last month...she now has it in her throat. I hope we find a fucking cure soon!!! It just kills me to see these women in so much pain!!!

sleep study...

2009-03-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

so my doctor sent me to do a sleep study because she feels my sleeping pattern has something do with me being tired all the time...she ruled out diabetes and thyroid. anywho, i go in tonight. i really don't want to do this because there's going to be all these people analyzing me!! AND i don't like to sleep in an unfamiliar bed!! oh looorrrrdddd!!

2009-03-04T14:18:00.001-08:00

OMG THIS IS THE LONGEST DAY EVER!!!

no point no moral just thought i would share this with you...

I miss working from home...

2009-02-25T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have worked at an office environment...about 3 years to be exact. When I did work in an office there were things that annoyed the hell out of me so needless to say i enjoyed working from home. Anywho, i've been at my current job, an office environment, for about 6 months and I some things never change. So here is my list of annoying things...

It drives me crazy when people do not clean after themselves, they leave dirty dishes in the kitchenette!! or their dirty silverware and plates on the table. "ARE YOU AT HOME!?!??"

OMG!!! when they leave there food unattended in the microwave!! I'm sorry but I wouldn't want anybody touching my food therefore I wait 'til my food is ready.

And I believe that there are just certain foods that should not be brought to work...like FISH or POPCORN!! it stinks up the entire office!! AND there is nothing worse then burnt popcorn!!

This one totally drives me crazy!! when I leave my food in the fridge and it freakin' disappears!! REALLY PEOPLE?!?!!? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO EAT SOMEBODY ELSE'S LEFT OVERS!! That's just gross!!

on to faxes and copiers and printers...

if you break it then fucken fix it!!!

if you printed, copied, or are waiting for a fax then go get it!!

AND OMG, for the love of my Frida, please please refill the bins with paper!!!

I MISS WORKING FROM HOME!!!

...

2009-02-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

just wanted to thank Santis for loving me sooo much!!

THANK YOU!!

The Vain, Self-Centered Leader!!!..

2009-02-08T22:10:00.000-08:00

I took a Dr. Phil test and according to him that's who I am!!! VAIN AND SELF-CENTERED!!! what the fuck does that man know?!?!?! NOTHING, NADA!!! anywho, i was also told by a guy that i needed to dress more "girly" if i EVER wanted to get a boyfriend!!! this guy must have been in a class taught by Dr. Phil!!!! i will once again ask, what the fuck does that guy know?!?!?

that's all for now...

hope everybody had a nice weekend.

random stuff...

2009-02-04T08:30:00.001-08:00

Hola!!

I'm ready for spring!!! this cold is getting on my freakin' nerves. i really don't have much to blog about. I had some people over for Super Bowl Sunday...it was fun. I think i may be addicted to Facebook. I've joined a soccer team!!hehehehehe. Our first game is actually tomorrow...i'm nervous. I have three new girlfriends!! yay for me!!! It's nice to hangout with girls once in a while!! we talk about boys and make up and clothes...okay we just talk about guys and sex!! AND kachito still loves me!!

bad days...

2009-01-27T10:32:00.000-08:00

i haven't had good days at work...mostly because of the doctors. Yes, i have complained about doctors in the past and you know what? i will continue to do so!! why is it that it's more difficult working with women doctors than it is working with men doctors? i just find it alot easier to work with male doctors. the female doctors are always pushing my buttons and testing my nerves!! anywho, i just needed to vent!!

to supportive husbands...

2009-01-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

I've seen alot in my years of working in the health care community but what i saw yesterday totally blew me away. When I'm at the oncology clinic I mostly wait around 'til the doctor calls me into the patients room...this is after he/she speaks to the patient to let the patient that she has been diagnosed with cancer. Sometime, though, the doctor asks me to be in the room while the doctor is checking the patient...I only see cervical and breast patients. Mind you these women are already very emotional and then to have this stranger in the room while the doctor checks her does not help any. Yesterday was one of those days in which I was asked to see the patient while the doctor checked her, she is a breast cancer patient. I was prepared to be with a very emotional patient. I was prepared to be supportive. But then the doctor asked her to take her blouse off then her bra, at this point she looked at me. The doctor asked if she felt comfortable with me being in the room. She responded yes. I asked her too, told her that I didn't need to be in the room if that's the way she wanted it. She reaffirmed that it was okay. She took her bra off. Her right breast was totally disfigured. I have seen pictures of such things but never up close and personal. Her nipple or what was left of the nipple was very sensitive. The radiation had left plenty of scars, along with the ones from the surgery, all around her breast. "is the cancer gone?" she asked. This patient had had a lumpectomy, only part of her breast was taken off, and was lucky not to have the cancer spread, yet. Alot went through my head as she put her bra back on. Her husband brings her to clinic every time and is always very affectionate. It just made me want to give him a hug as well just for being there with her. I don't know how their relationship may be at home but while in the clinic he seems to be a very supportive man. He must be going through alot as well. In my head I kept telling myself "please let it all be okay!!". Sometimes I wish I could tell them that but I know that's the worse thing I tell people when they are going through such things.

The patient is recovering pretty well but the risk of the cancer coming back is very high...this makes me very very sad.

can't sleep...

2009-01-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

I once again cant sleep...its 10 minutes to 2 a.m...therefore I decided to blog. About what? not sure, but I'm sure something will come to mind. By the way, HAPPY NEW YEAR AND ALL THAT CRAP!! ;-)

Okay so I will write about what has motivated me to loose weight (which by the way has nothing to do with the "new years resolution" crap). I am ashamed and embarrassed to even write about it but I have to!! I just have to so it stops bugging me!! Let me start by saying that it is very very vain on my part...this is where the ashamed and embarrassing part comes in. I knowI don't have a nice body or am at all that pretty but a few days ago I was watching t.v. and i saw an overweight half naked guy. I was not all impressed...mind you I find chubby people very attractive. One of the girls started criticizing the guy...which was totally mean by the way...on his appearance. I usually let these things go, mostly because the girls tend to be mean bitches without a heart but this time it hit a nerve!!! I am at my heaviest weight right now and I just can't believe I allowed that to happen. Santis tells me I look beautiful no matter what...he is very very good for my ego... and that I am making a big deal over nothing. But I started thinking, "I don't want people saying those things about me" Like I said before I usually don't let things like this get to me but for some reason this freakin' show upset me!!! I even told myself, "Sonrisa, you MUST be pms-ing!!!" to try to calm myself down. It hasn't been helping. So anywho, now every time I'm thinking of eating something fattening I tell myself "do you want to be that overweight half naked girl that everyone criticized"...in my revised version the guy turned into a girl. I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be back to my "who gives a fuck!?!!?" attitude which I'm sure Santis will totally appreciate!! For now though, I MUST try to loose some weight...

I can't sleep...

2008-12-25T23:34:00.000-08:00

its 1:30 in the morning!! I've been having problems sleeping lately...of course this has been an on going battle for me ever since I can remember. I remember when i used to live at the parents i used to look out the window and eavesdrop on the gang bangers. "I did this girl!! real good!!"..i had no idea what they were talking about back then but it kept me entertained at 2 in the morning. Many people have suggested that i take sleeping pills but i refuse to start taking them. I don't know why i don't feel comfortable taking them. I guess i figure i have been going through this all my life and have somehow survived so why start now.

But enough about that, so this evening my sister came downstairs to my place. We talked about what was going to be happening for New Years Eve in regards to the food. Of course there will the traditional pozole but that's actually for New Years Day. Apparently the other sisters have decided that we will be catering...which to be honest i think is great!! There are many reasons why i don't like the holidays...and as the years have gone by they just keep piling up...but the one thing that truly annoys me is the whole food situation!! "pues yo no voy traer nada porque ni siquiera ayudan!!" "yo hice esto el ano pasado y no se lo comieron!!" "mommy can't do this anymore so if you want it ask your wife to cook it!!". It's just constant nagging!! AND criticizing!!! Like i told my nephew yesterday "i HAVE to be drunk when i go to the parents to be with the entire family!" "it helps that your a happy drunk tia" my nephew replies (he truly understand me..hehehehe). I was also telling my sister today that i really don't like going to the parents because that house just brings back alot of feelings and memories that i have worked so hard to forget about. Its sad to say but i don't have very fond memories of that house, i hated living there!! Don't get me wrong, i appreciate the fact that i had a home, i had food, i had both parents and my sisters and brothers but i have really bad memories about that place that have truly left me traumatized and wondering about the type of person i would be had alot of those things not happened to me. I don't think i have to say how much i love my family, i really do!! I would do anything for them!! ANYTHING...i just wish i didn't feel the way i do every time i have to go to that house.

santis de-virginized me!!!

2008-12-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

I had never ever in my entire life had a polish from Maxwell!! AND today Santis made it happen!! omg, it was delicious!! I've only heard about how great these polishes were and stories about how people tend to stop there after a night of drinking... which i will totally do next time i'm out drinking!!...but i've never gone to "Maxwell" to get a polish sausage.

So we are driving to the "drive through" and santis tells me "all these cars are here for the same reason, a polish!!" As we are looking for a parking space i noticed that people are eating in there car. i asked santis "are we going to eat in the car too?" he tells me "that's the way to do it!" we get out of the car, buy the polishe sausages and go back to the car. It as the bestest lunch ever!!

i had my first good day!!

2008-12-11T14:15:00.001-08:00

yes i had my first good day at work!! i think i'm finally getting on the doctors good side.

i walked in the clinic and saw the doctor walking towards me. i asked my usual question "do we have any new patients today?" and she started responding with her usual answer but then surprised me by saying "I'm bombarded today but the charts are in my office, you can look through them and see if there are any new ones" i said "thank you" but in head i was doing back flips!!! i was thinking "holy crap!!! is she really allowing me to do that!?!?" AND it gets better!! I'm in my office when a the nurse calls to tell me that the doctor had asked her to call me so that i could try to reach a patient because " i had a good record of doing that." OMG!!! i really didn't think the doctor was noticing anything i did!!!

yes, indeed a good day...

good times...

2008-12-07T21:38:00.000-08:00

so i guess i had a good weekend even though De La Hoya lost!!!! but at least the Bears won...

I had the guys over this weekend to watch the fight. Dino brought over the projector and he set it up in the living room. Bean brought 5 cases of beer, some frozen pizzas and chicken wings. Pokey Reese, along with his dad, brought a bottle of tequila. Mr. Motorcycle brought his cousin and his enthusiasm. Jewels brought the chips and dip. Elle brought a bottle a wine. I made some mini sub sandwiches and some cup cakes. Am i missing something or someone? HELL NO!!! we had us some good time!!! we were all hyped up for the fight, drinking and placing bets ...jewels won!!...and then we were let down!!! UNBELIEVABLE!! I knew De La Hoya was going to loose but i never ever thought he was going to give up!! AND so soon!! oh well such is life...we did have a great time.

The best part of the weekend though was waking up on Sunday, going upstairs to my sister's and having a bowl of Pozole...yummy!! it hit the spot!!! my sister and i talked about the fight and how goofy my friends are. This was Jewels first time watching a fight...she didn't even know who De La Hoya was!!...so throughout the fight she kept saying "no, don't hit his face!! not his face!!" covering her eyes and asking me to let her know when it was over "because he was too cute to be hit on the face". Jewels was funny...good times

running late...

2008-12-03T10:00:00.001-08:00

I was running late this morning and everything that could have gone wrong did!! why is that?

Anywho, i missed my first bus then got on the "local bus" instead of the express bus so the bus would stop in every freakin' bus stop. Two individuals that were on wheel chairs got on and off the bus before my bus stop, that takes alot time. Then some mentally challanged kids (not a joke) who were apparently going on a field trip got on the bus...the adults supervising them seemed to be overwhelmed. AND there was construction on Ashland and Roosevelt and Ashland and Harrison, my destination was Ashland and Division. A ride that should have taken 15 minutes took 1 hour!! I usually call my patients to let them know that I'm running late but today I didn't...had other stuff on my mind. My patient however called ME instead. I was so embarrassed. All was well though. I saw her, she is healthy and looking good for a 72 year old. I was planning on doing some hours at the Oncology clinic but opted not to. I'll just have to do that tomorrow.

you know what though, I am having a good hair day..hehehhehe

I'm bitter this week!!!

2008-11-24T12:43:00.000-08:00

I don't like the holidays!!! AND this week i was supposed to have my baby!!! AND one of the doctor's whom i work with pissed me off today!!! AUGH!!! i really want this freakin' week to be over. no point no moral just thought i would share this...

HELLO...

2008-11-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Mazatlan!!! I wish I was back there!!! the weather was perfect!!! well actually it was hot as hell but I didn't really feel it because I was either on the beach or in the pool at the hotel I was staying at. I soooooo didn't want to come back!!!! I had sooo much fun!! I went parasailing, drank pacificos like there was no tomorrow and danced at Mambo Cafe almost every night. I even got to meet Emilio Estafan!!! Nice dude, very polite. I ate shrimp every day, the guys at the bar from the hotel became my buddies, and I got a really nice suntan. What else could I have asked for!?!

After my Mazatlan trip, I went to Atlanta to a 4 day conference for work. Must say that I wasn't really impressed with Atlanta...not much to do over there. Well, actually I didn't really try to do much. Every day after the daily conference I was mentally exhausted. I just wanted to go back to the hotel room and chill. I was also starting to get homesick. I hadn't been to my place in over two weeks!!! I went to Atlanta right after my trip from Mazatlan. I came back on a Sunday from Mazatlan picked up my other suitcase...I had it ready with conferency clothes... and head it back to the airport. I didn't even get a chance to chat with Kachito. So by Friday I was anxious to see him!! yeah, yeah, I'm a dork but I don't care. I was starting to miss Kachito a whole lot.

I also just wanted to come home to my sister and cry...my baby's due date was November 27th...this is really the real reason for me to wanting to come back home. As much fun as I had in Mazatlan that thought always came to my mind and it only got worse when I was in Atlanta.

Sorry for closing on such a depressing note...but I do appreciate you allowing me to do so.

Mazatlan here I come!!!

2008-10-31T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'll be going on a very well deserved vacation...if I do say so myself!!! I'm going to a Halloween Party (I'm going to be a cowgirl, yeehaaaw!!) tomorrow night and from there I'll go straight to airport (my flight leaves at 4 in the morning) and catch my flight to Mazatlan!! oooh I can't wait!!! I'll be going with a group of friends whom are loads of fun!!mostly because they like to drink as well, ehehehehe. I cant wait to be drinking una pacifico by the pool, relaxing and chillin'.... laters.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

deep fried fish...

2008-10-27T14:24:00.001-07:00

yummy!!!

Mr. motorcycle came over this past Saturday, brought some fish, potatoes, garlic, and his enthusiasm of cooking. My sister has a deep fryer, the kind that is used to deep fry a turkey, so we took it out to the back yard and fried ourselves some fish!!! It was perfect weather for it!! I called my nephew, Rocker Dude, and Mr. Motorcycle called Mr. Bean, Mr. AL, and Mr. Dino. We had ourselves some good times. We had ourselves a good dinner and drinks while watching the game. I'm for Tampa Bay but by the looks of it Philadelphia has it in the bag :-(

As much fun as I had this weekend with the guys, I had to ask myself ..."why do i always become one of the guys?" I've asked Mr. motorcycle and Santis and they tell me that its because guys tend to feel comfortable with me so they start talking about things they normally wouldn't talk to a girl about. I don't know how i feel about this. I do have fun with the guys but sometimes I wish I had girl friends...i only have two, Chanclita is one of them (I think she considers me a friend). At the same time, though, I have always found guys waaay more fun than girls....no offense. Is there something wrong with me?

apple picking...

2008-10-21T14:00:00.001-07:00

La familia and I went to our annual apple picking family event this weekend. as usual we got lost...you would figure we would now where this place is considering we go there every year!! as usual we all got frustrated but at the end we laughed about it. I got myself some gala, mcintosh and golden delicious apples!! yummy!! i also got some cider, apple cinnomon and pumpkin donuts!! i love going to that place!! i just hope one year i wont get frustrated!!

YAY!!!!!

2008-10-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

I GOT TO RIDE ON MR. MOTORCYLES BIKE!!!!

The wind blowing hair away from my face as I leaned towards him on purposed because "i was nervous"...hehehehhe

MISC...

2008-10-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

I HATE WORKING WITH DOCTORS!!!!!

misc. thoughts

2008-10-02T09:02:00.001-07:00

this morning on my ride to work i started thinking about "why do men cheat?" Oprah, yes i'm mentioning Oprah, did a couple of shows a few weeks ago and what it came down to...according to the psychologist on the show who happened to be a man... was that it was the woman's fault!!! it is the woman that makes the man feel alone, not wanted or needed therefore the man goes to find it somewhere else. according to the show, it has nothing to do with sex. does it really have nothing to do with sex? i'm a huuuuge believer that everything boils down to sex.

i don't know why i started thinking about this...i just thought i would share.

should i get her attention...

2008-09-30T11:08:00.000-07:00

this morning on my way to work i saw a grade school friend. as i saw her get on the bus i was wondering if i should talk to her. she hadn't seen me yet so if i wanted i could have totally ignored her. i opted not to. I've known this girl since we were in 7th grade then we went to high school together. we haven't seen each other in over 15 years!! she still remembered me...last name and shiii. she asked me the usual questions, are you married? do you have any kids? where do you work? you still leave the hood ha? I TOTALLY HATE THESE QUESTIONS!!!! i only hate being asked these question from grade and high school friends though. i don't know why but that just annoys the crap out of me!!! anybody else can ask me this but when it's someone that i haven't seen in years it just makes me feel like they are asking to see who is doing better. does that make sense? anyway, once we got past that it was better. we mostly talked about her kids...beautiful kids by the way. i'm glad i got her attention.

wierd weather...

2008-09-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

talk about chicago weather!!! i'm all into reading my patients notes...okay i was also really reading Joel's blog about his freaky co-worker when i look out the window. its sunny now!!! it was gloomy and pouring just a few minutes ago!! totally works out for me because i need to go to the store after work. anywho, no point no moral just thought i would share this with you.

waiting for the bus...

2008-09-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

a couple of months ago i was waiting for the bus on Grand and Homan. I was minding my own business listening to my i-pod. The bus was taking forever to get there...about 45 minutes...but i didn't mind because i had extra time to kill and the weather was perfect. not too hot on this particular day. there was another person waiting for the bus and he was getting very very impatient. walking back and forth to see if the bus was coming. about 20 minutes of waiting, i noticed a girl with skin tight jeans and a wife beater shirt that was cut off to her belly button. young pretty girl but had that look of "i only fuck for money"on her face. she walked over to me asking for a light. "sorry, don't have one". she then walked over to the guy that was also waiting for the bus. she, however, walked very seductively towards him. gave him the "i know you want some of this" look. He smiled and says "don't smoke honey" before she even asked him. he then proceeded to go the middle of the street to see if the bus was coming. it was obvious to the girl that she was being challenged. she walked away, again very seductively, to a store that was near by. she kept looking back at the guy with the "i know you want me asshole!!" look on her face. she came back smoking her cigarette. walked towards the guy. she is now facing the guy, drops the cigarette, looks at him, swings her booty towards him and bends down to pick it up. starts walking away barely touching his arm with hers and continues walking. I'm thinking "this guy ain't pursuing you because he ain't got money!!!" sure enough the guys starts talking to me. he just got out of jail for beating up his brother and he was on his way to see his parole officer. no wonder hewas sooo impatient. he was going to get his ass locked if that bus didn't come soon!!

somebody love's you...

2008-09-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

i'm in my new office listening to Patti LaBelle's "somebody loves you" song and have decided that i want to blog. I still don't know what i'm doing with my life but so far i've started a new job. I'm a Patient Navigator/Research Assistant at the Oncology Clinic at UIC (University of Illinois) hospital. I work with newly diagnosed breast and cervical cancer patients. I meet with patients and try to assist them as much as i can through the whole process. i mostly do alot counseling and have the patient cry on my shoulder...this is the patient navigator part of the job. The research assistant part of the job is way more difficult i believe. mostly because i have to find a way to ask newly diagnosed patients a total of about 60 questions regarding their experience with the health care system in the past. REALLY?!?!?!? these women just found out they have cancer!!!! they don't want to answer questions about the health care system!!! I usually try my best to listen to them on their first visit. I explain to them what my role is and then tell them that i will be looking for them in a few weeks when they come back for radiation and/or chemotherapy to ask them some questions. i'm trying not to get too involved with these patients but i must admit that on my ride home i think about them. about the "WHY ME?" question they all seem to ask. my new boss is pushing me to go to the school of public health to get my master's. she thinks i have it in me to be a great researcher and with a master's she can get me to work with her on future projects. so far she has been GREAT!! but like i said before i still feel lost...i hope this is just a phase i'm going through and if it is i wanted to be over soon!!

taking a break...

2008-08-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

my fellow bloggers i need a break from everything...EVERYTHING. i haven't been myself for a while and i need to do some soul searching. unfortunately i wont be going to india or some other place that is known for finding your soul. i'll still be in chicago walking down the streets with a dazed and confused look on my face. so 'till then my fellow bloggers....

its time to party!!!!

2008-07-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

my birthday party is this weekend!!! YAY FOR ME!!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! you know its really wierd. i really don't make a big deal about my birthday to my non-blogger friends. I tend to be more excited about my birthday with you guys....why is that? i wonder...

Anyway, i wasn't going to have a birthday party this year because really i was not feeling up for it...after the miscarriage i just wasnt feeling in a party for myself mood. However, the great friends that i have decided to have party for me at their place!!! Mr. Chef and Mr. China i love you!!!! the theme for my birthday party is STRAWBERRIES!!!!! strawberries are my favorite fruit!!! just like i do for all my birthday parties, they too decided to have a contest for this party as well!!! who ever brings the best strawberry gift for me will get a prize!!!!! i cant wait to see the strawberry creations!!! will chanclita win again this year?!?!??! she thinks she has it in the bag again. we shall see...

chillaxing weekend...

2008-07-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

i went to michigan this past weekend and it was wonderful!!! michigan is so beautiful. i want to go back. i think i want to live there...NOT!!! it was beautiful but just for a weekend get away. i went to the beach and boy am i paying for it now!!! i look like a lobster!!! i hurt!!! my back hurts, my leg hurts, my face semi-hurts!!! its like i didn't put on sun-block. it was all worth it though. it was just me and my friend mr. chillaxing!!! awsome, sweet and very intelligent guy. we are just friends!!! he has his partner, unfortunetly his partner had to work so he couldn't join us. i hope to be back there soon!!!

ya 'cabe....

2008-07-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

I totally fell in love with CANADA!!!!! it is sooooo beautiful!! la familia was very well behaved...well except when it came to deciding where to go to eat. At that point i grabbed my mom and dad. "mami and daddy we will be going to this restaurant over here and let them debate where they want to go", i said. i had a great time with them!!!! The falls were soooo... i cant find the words to describe them. They were more than beautiful!!!

There was a "you had to be there" moment on our way back. We drove to Canada, we took three mini vans. I was with my sister's family...three kids, her husband, my two sisters, and myself. I was pretty comfortable all the way in the back. On our way back home we stopped to eat Wendy's and I kept telling them that in two hours we were all going to have to go to the bathroom. Everybody laughed...it wasn't funny though when my little nephew, still in pampers, pooped!!!!! DAMN!!!! does baby poop STINK!!!!! i was falling asleep when the odor woke me up!!! the baby of course was laughing and saying "ya 'cabe". I know you finished because we can smell it!!! We were all laughing!!! The odor kept getting stronger though!!!! then my older nephew, 14 years old, starts laughing harder. I asked him "are you farting!?!?" "hell yeah, i'm taking advantage!!!" he says. We opened every window in the car!!! It took us 10 minutes to find an exit so my sister could change the baby. It was torture!!! TORTURE I SAY!!!
nothing like being that comfortable with la familia....

Hola...

2008-07-02T13:57:00.000-07:00

Hope you all are doing well in your worlds...

I'm doing better...still have my moments but such is life. Life must go on.

I'm supposed to go to Canada...Niagra Falls...this weekend but to be honest i'm not really looking forward to it. The first reason being that Kachito is totally scared of fire crackers. He hates them!!!! He also hates thunder. I don't want to leave him alone on 4th of July. He totally freaks out. It hasn't been an issue before when I lived on the Northside because we really didn't hear any fire works. We use to leave on the third floor. But now that we are back in the hood well the kids are always in the front of the house firing away!!! We live on the first floor. Kachis just stays away from the window and goes underneath the couch 'til he thinks its safe to come out. The second reason, well i'm going with the entire family!!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! last time we went on a family trip I swore I would never ever travel with la familia. It always turns out to be huge deal!! I love my family but an entire weekend with them, i don't know how I'm feeling about that. If I decide not to go to Canada I'm sure I'll be hearing alot of "you should have gone!!!", "it was amazing!! and "such and such did this thing it had us all cracking up!!" dont know what to do!!!! MUST decide by tonight because they leave tomorrow. I'll probably end up going. What am I going to do here all by myself anyway. I've already gotten a few invitations to friends houses but to be honest its not the same celebrating a holiday without your familia. I guess i'm going...Canada here I come!!!!!!

hola...

2008-06-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

i'm doing better....

2008-05-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

i don't have a titel for this post. The very last post i wrote was about something wonderful that happened. I had found out I was pregnant. I really wanted to share this with everybody but i was told to wait after the three months. I waited and i have sad news...this past Friday I had a miscarriage. It has been the saddest day of my life. i'm at home not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone...i'm sorry for not returning phone calls or replying to texts. i really just don't want to feel or think. thinking is the worst part... there are soooo many thoughts and questions going through my head. i know the answers but i just cant seem to comprehend them. "i just wanted to be a mommy", "why doesnt somebody want me to be a mommy?", "ni para eso sirvo!!"...i can't stop thinking these things. i took two weeks off from work but to be honest i really dont want to go back. i know and understand i'm not the only one that has gone or will go through this but i really just want to stay in bed and not feel...

an idiota moment....

2008-03-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

last nite i hungout with santis and as usual i had soo much fun. everybody already knows how much i love him, last nite and early this morning* i loved him even more!!! santis i just wanted to tell you thank you for ALWAYS being there for me. this very very early morning was a nite** to remember and i'm glad i shared it with you. Sonrisa wouldn't be Sonrisa without her Santis by her side. Te quiero un chingo guey!!!!!

thanks!!!

*i will explain more later when i get more details!!! i promise

** i say nite instead of morning because it was 1:30 a.m. so technically its still nite...isn't it?

crazy lady on the bus...

2008-03-13T17:40:00.001-07:00

i have mentioned before that i have come across the strangest, wierdest and oddest people on the bus. well today i got on the bus, sat down next to this lady that looked nice and quiet. i'm thinking "this will be a nice ride". I took out my book and started reading. within a few seconds, the lady starts mumbling...cant make it out so i just ignored her. but she doesnt stop and she gets louder. "yo les digo que yo no soy criada de nadie" ok? i'm thinking to myself. she starts getting angry!!! "yo tengo que trabajar y no voy a cuidar a nadie!!" she then looks at me and tells me "verdad que si muchachita?" i smile and knod my head yes. at this point i'm no longer reading but pretend i am. she goes on by saying "muchachita, porque los ninos piensan que pueden hacer lo que quieran conmigo?" i look up and im thinking "what the fuck?!??!? i just want to read!!" but tell her "yo no se, senora" and she was going to keep on talking but she then realized that the next stop was hers....thank my fridita for that!!! crazy lady on the bus wouldn't let me read!!!

on a different note. mr. motorcycle got me an ipod!!! yay for me!!! thanx mr. motorcycle!!!!

i love sex...

2008-03-07T12:29:00.001-08:00

i love sex!!! if i could have sex 3 times a day, every day i would!!! there i have said it!!! AND with that said let me tell you whats going on....

all of the relationships that i have had ever since i left the abuser have been very sexual. I haven't had a relationship in which we started of just getting to know each other....well we do get to know each other IN BED.!! very well might i add. So anywho, the three people that i was dating have now evaporated down to one. Mr. handsome, the 42 year old, turned to be a very obsessive dude...btw thanx joel for looking out for me...Ms. Eclipse is turning out to be just a very good friend. We've been hanging out alot more but really nothing will ever happen again. Once was more then enough...for both us. NOW mr. cw, OMG!!!! this guy well, we've been seeing each other alot and yes the relationship is very sexual...which is why i want to keep him around for a very very long long time!! ehehehe...seriously, this is quite a different relationship experience for me. turns out mr. cw likes to talk!!!...ABOUT HIS EMOTIONS!!! i know what you are all thinking "the guy is gay"...actually i've thought about that and well i really dont think he is. He just likes to let me about how he is feeling, how his day went, what he plans to do tomorrow, stuff like that. we actually talk!!! it really is nice to have a conversation with someone you find attractive. usually if i find the person attractive and the feeling is mutual it usually just ends up being a sex thing. with Mr. CW is different though. i find him very attractive and he tells me i'm the most "bonita muchacha" and i'm his "corazon"therefore i'm assuming the feeling is mutual. So anywho, i'm not falling in love...i don't believe in it...but i'm just enjoying mr. cw's frienship and lovin'...wink wink

hello there!!!!

2008-02-21T16:01:00.001-08:00

so very sorry for not blogging but my life has been a complete shambles...hehehee okay it hasn't i just like to be dramatic about things. so this is whats going on with me....

i quit my job at Sinai...the one in which i worked with the kids that had been arrested for minor offenses. i'm still at Rush...totally love that job. just today i was offered a job at the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation. I will be working in Pilsen and Little Village giving presentations on how to prevent cervical cancer. I'm really excited about this job because i will be focusing on Latino women!!!! i will try my bestest to stick with this job. i'll probably be hanging at chanclitas store more often because most of the presentation will be at El Valor. just around the corner from chanclitas store. YAY for me!!!

i'm dating!!!! yes i am dating...three people actually. two men and a woman. hehehehe. seriously i am. Chanclita and Santis i forgot to mention these other two people last time we talked. The one that i'm taking more seriously will be called mr. handsome...because he is super duper handsome. he is a 42 year old man and he is already looking for someone to settle down with. This totally scares the crap out of me!!!! mr. handsome is very understanding and very caring and a great person overall but just the thought of the possibility of spending the rest of my life with him scares me!!! the guy is great so why am i so scared??!?!?! the next guy we will call mr. CW (construction worker). he works for the city and booooy does he have the body of a construction worker!!!! i want him to be the father of my children!!!!...yes thats how good he looks!!! he makes me laugh...ALOT!!! i feel super duper comfortable with him. AND he has opened up to me about everything. he has talked to me about his family in mexico and his father. how he doesn't really get along with him but wishes he could. he talks to his mom every day. he has a 3 year old baby girl and he constantly talks about how cute she is and then says "when you meet her you are going to fall in love with her!!" "what?!?!?! you want me to meet her?" is what i said the first time he said that. "of course i want you to meet her!!!!" he tells me. yes indeed i feel comfortable with him. not sure if i should mention the third yet, oh what the hell!!! we will call her ms. Eclipse. she is a nice girl and very pretty but i believe she still has alot to experience in life. to be honest she has surprised me quite a bit. we will be going out tomorrow night and i'm actually looking forward to it. maybe i'm attracted to her because i will be showing her new things *wink wink*. seriously, she is a very sweet girl. we are at the "getting to know each other stage" even though we have known each other for a few years already. I don't think anything is going to happen with ms. Eclipse aside then the two of becoming good friends.

so there you have it!!! i had a good christmas and fell asleep before the new year arrived. Kachis continues to be a spoiled brat but i love him that way. my nephew is in college and continues to do great!!! i've been helping out mr. motorcycle alot with his school work. i started working out!!! yes, i am working out!!! its been about three weeks and i think i'm doing good...well accept when i visit my sister upstairs. man, that woman can cook!!!! i had lost 3 pounds last week and i gain them back this week!!! she made homemade tortillas!!!! how can i refuse homemade tortillas!!! AND have i mentioned that it's fucken cold in chicago!!!!! i'm soooo ready for the summer!!!!

hola my peeps!!!

2007-12-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

i know its been in a while but really not much has changed. i still don't like my job at Sinai Hospital but totally love my job at Rush Hospital. I miss Santis...ALOT!!! i've seen chanclita a few times and must thank her for listening to me. Thanks Chanclita!!! I think i have mentioned this before but i totally hate the holidays!!! especially christmas!!! GRRRRRR!!! each year i try to make the best of it though. what else can i do? i may be going to mexico with mr. motorcycle for the new years. yay!!!!! mr. rico suave just informed that we might be going to the rose bowl...hmmm? we'll see what happens. thats it for now my fellow bloggers....later later. hope all is well in your worlds...

baby cooties!!!

2007-11-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

there are sooo many cute babies next door to my new office!!! soooo freakin' cute!!! i went to the breakroom earlier and a tiny little baby boy waves bye to me!!! so adorable...BUT i can't help to think of the massive amount of baby cooties!!!! i get sooo scared of baby cooties!!!!! for some strange reason i easily get sick when a sick baby is around me. i can be around 100 sick adults and not get sick but if there is ONE baby with a cold around me i can assure you i will get sick within 24 hours.

my new office is next to the nursery at sinia...they also see the pediatrician while they are here so i know theres baby cooties going around!!!

BABY COOTIES!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHH....there should be a baby movie with screaming adults running away from the babies because they have cooties...hehehhehehe

no point no moral just thought i would share

strong individuals....

2007-11-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

it was around this time last year that my brother in law started to get sick. i was talking to dork last night and i was telling her that i hate that no one around me seems to understand the pain i'm going through...especially rico suave. i don't expect them to cry with me or be depressed but at least acknowledge that i'm going through something. i know i know, i'm being selfish. last night i HAD to call dork because i didn't know what else to do. after talking to her i started thinking about all the people that had lost someone close and dear to them. i admire all of you because like dork said "we all have to put on our strong faces when we go out . in the world". AND i've come to realize that its sooo freakin' difficult!!!! i truelly admire all of you!!!

i cant help but be angry though!!!!

I hate it that he isn't with us!!!!! i hate that i can't talk to him or tell him my crazy adventures!! i know he would have gotten a kick out of seeing rico suave and me dressed up for halloween. he would love kachito always getting out of my apartment just to end up upstairs. he would have made my friends laugh this weekend by trying to speak english. i miss him telling me "tu estes bien loca gorda!!!" or "que vida la de la gorda" when i'm being silly.

this weekend's my nephews 19th birthday...his son....and i just keep thinking about last year....

thank you...

2007-11-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

i've been super duper depressed for the last few weeks. i've tried to hide it but lately i haven't been doing a good job. yesterday i was at my lowest though.

you see, i havent been doing a great job with my full time job as a youth advocate. i have to be honest, i HATE working with kids!!!! they are sooo rude and unappreciative!!! and honestly i don't understand how these kids get to where they are at!!!! A few weeks ago i saw a kid and his answers to EVERYTHING was "i don't know and i don't care!!" and then i tell him "i don't like this attitude you are giving me!!" his response!!!? "i don't care" GGGGRRRR!!!!! i'm trying but i have to admit i'm not trying my best!!! mostly because these kids and parents REALLY DONT CARE!!! SO WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE!!!! i don't like that i feel this way...this is part of the reason i'm depressed. AND all of this not caring has been showing on my work and paperwork...or lack of paperwork!! so anyway, my supervisor, whom i have only seen once(that was during the interview process) ever since i got hired calls me to tell me we need to meet. i totally freaked!!! mostly because i felt i let myself and her down and the kids. I called Santis for advice. i was crying uncontrollably before, during and after our conversation. i felt like a failure. i felt like i had disappointed Santis, Rico Suave, Dork, my supervisor...i felt like a failure!! i have been feeling like a failure for quite some time. Santis was great though!!!! He was telling me to do this and say that..."let it run its course". So anyway, before i went to go see the supervisor i fixed the paperwork as much as i could and then typed up my resignation letter. YES, i was ready to quit!!! i actually thought i was going to get fired...okay so in the back of my head i knew i wasn't going to get fired but it was wishful thinking. So i get all my stuff ready...the cell phone they provided for me, the business cards, the ID badge and my cases and lets not forget my resignation letter stating the usual "thank you for giving me the opportunity blah blah blah and if possible i would like today October 31, 2007 to be my last day". i cried again before i walked out of my place. I asked my Fridita to give me strength and apologized to her for dissappointing her. By the time i got to my supervisors office i was cool, calm, and collected. She asks me what was going on because two parents have called saying that they haven't been called...oh yeah did i tell you that i have more then 50 kids on caseload!!! so i tell her "i'll be honest with you i'm feeling overwhelmed!! and my mistake has been that i haven't come in to tell you how overwhelmed i have been and how you as a supervisor can alleviate some of this work." I went on by telling her "i was ready to quit about a month and half ago but a co-worker, the only person who has been helping me out, convinced me not to. he asked me what changes in the program would make me not want to leave. and told him that i wished i had my own office to go to with my own computer and my own office phone and regular hours." and i went to telling her "there is simply no structure, I've realized that i need structure!!! i need to go work and feel that i'm not the only one feeling like this because i have co-workers to talk to and exchange ideas" I told her that RonRon, the co-worker, had asked me to stay until december because he had heard that things were going to change but i just didn't see myself doing that.

Her response blew me away!!!!! she starts by saying "i apologize for all of this. i should have met with you alot sooner. i will take all the blame for all of this. With that said, as of monday, you will have your office here at the hospital with a computer and a working telephone. There will be no need for you to go to the police station to pick your cases because the cases will be brought to you. I am personally asking you to give me until December. I will increase your salary and my door will always be open if there is anything you need. i want to thank you for being this honest because i see now that i do have to make changes. i will also tell the case managers to stop giving you cases because the maximum caseload is 30 and well you are waaay over and I understand how you would be feeling overwhelmed" and she went on by telling me other things that were going to change and then tells me "now go home and have a good evening because you deserve it" as i was walking towards the door i tell her "this totally not how i invisioned this meeting to go" and she laughs and tells me "well, maybe we can talk about that later, wwaaaaay later" and laughs some more and continues by saying "i will see you here at 9 in the morning on monday".

As soon as i left i called Santis to tell him all of this and to thank him for listening to me. Santis you just dont know what it means for me to have you in my life!!!! i love you soooooo much my dear friend!!!! i went home, took a shower, fixed myself something to eat, and waited for the little tricker treaters. i cried while doing all of this by the way...i've been trying to figure out why i'm sooo depressed. at about 5:30, dork calls me to ask me if she could stop by so that i could help her out with her costume...she was going to a halloween party. i said "sure come over" and then she asks me "whats wrong?, you sound down" one of the many reasons i love dork is because she reads me like a book...i don't have to say anything for her to know that i'm going through something. Anywho, i tell her what happened. i also mention to her that i've been depressed for awhile and she asks me why. i tell her that i didnt know that maybe its the weather. she tells me "dork everybody gets like this when the weather changes but we will talk some more when i get there".

When she comes over she tells me "get your nurse's costume ready cause you're going with us" i was totally shocked!!! she hates me going out with her and her friends. I tell her "are you sure?!?!?" and she tells me "dork, you need this tonight!! now go get ready!!!" i had the best time ever!!!!! thank you dork for inviting me and being such a great sister!!!!

Now i have to figure out what the hell is going on with me...

i just to want to say...

2007-10-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO FIRE WON!!!!! HELL YEAH!!!!
they played against DC!!!! have i mentioned that CHICAGO FIRE WON!!!!
Joel, i was thinking of you throughout the game ;-) oh yeah, have i mentioned that CHICAGO FIRE WON!!!

ok, i need to stop because they are playing on Thursday again against DC...i wouldn't want Joel to rub it in face just incase Fire looses...which i know they wont, i hope!!!

Lets go FIRE lets go!!!!

laters

per DC's request....

2007-10-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

well, i'm already planning the wedding!!! we will be getting married in february!! can you believe that!?!?!?! aaaawww, you guys know me too well!!! of course i'm not getting married!!!

yeah, el paisita turned out be a stalker!!!! an annoying stalker at that!!!! he would call me as soon as he saw me getting home...and it didn't matter if it was at 3 o'clock in the morning!!! of course i didn't answer when he called at that time. the last conversation i had with him he told me what time i would go out and what time i came home!!! what the !$$@$@%!!??!!? AND he also has his cousins checking up on me!! "mi primo te miro salir con tu amigo a las 8:30 el sabado, quien es el y a donde fueron?" it's none of you fucken business dude!!!!! it really got scary and annoying. he also would whistle in front of my apartment for me to come out!!! hellooooo??!?!?!? you've got my cell number!!! use it!!!!! instead of whistling!!!! i haven't talked or seen him in two weeks...i'm sure he knows what time i got home yesterday though...hehehheheehe

well, nothing else exciting happening in my life. i went to a pumpkin patch last weekend...i had loads of fun!!!! i got a huge pumpkin!!!! i'm also getting ready for Halloween!! YAY!!! i'm going to be a nurse this year!!!! yay!!! Rico Suave is going to be a surgeon!!! I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!...

well, my fellow bloggers have a good weekend!!!

discriminatory or just being realistic?!?!

2007-09-27T20:30:00.000-07:00

The following is a conversation that i had with my sister Dork regarding a guy i met when i first moved to the village. This guys has been nice and sweet to me. We have talked three times and i've gone to see him play soccer once. After the soccer game he walked me home and asked me to be his girlfriend!!!! WHAT???!!!? i just met you?!!?!

Sonrisa Morena: this is my thing....i don't want to go out with him because first of all its scary to think of me being a relationship...just incase you hadn't noticed i'm terrified of them!!!! i feel that if i do end up dating him this will turn into a very very serious one. AND if i do end up dating him its because i know exactly where he lives and he knows people in the neighborhood so its not like he is a complete stranger. however, i also think that he is waaaay to close for me to be dating...for crying out loud he lives right across the street!!!

Dork: LOL...

Dork: okay....

Sonrisa Morena: and then i think...what if this my last chance? and then i think he is undocumented and he is only wanting to get that from me

Dork: umm...

Sonrisa Morena: i think too much!!!

Dork: and not mention that you guy's are probably from oppisite ends of the world...

Sonrisa Morena: yes!!!!

Dork: yeah you are both mexican...

Dork: but seriouly dork....

Sonrisa Morena: dork he doesn't speak not word of english!!!

Sonrisa Morena: my world is completely different from his!!!! come on!!! i bet if it were up to him el ya me hubiera robado!!!

Dork: you know all this is gonna come and slap you across the face...

Sonrisa Morena: i know!!!! but aren't i being discriminatory

Dork: tu con tu educacion y pues apenas si fui a la escuela y tus amigos me ven como menos...
Sonrisa Morena: yes!!!!!!!

Sonrisa Morena: holy crap!!!!!

Sonrisa Morena: i've been stressing out all this week over this!!!!

Dork: no dork you are just being realistic....

Sonrisa Morena: i wanted to talk to you about this!!!!

Sonrisa Morena: you really do understand!!!!

Dork: Like you told me when I was with Mr. Kos...if you are gonna go for it you have to have a thick skin and not let it get to you otherwise it will never work.

Sonrisa Morena: damn, i told you that?!?!??!?!

Dork: yup...

Sonrisa Morena: i don't think i will be able to have a thick skin with him...

Dork: that's what I am saying..

Dork: first of all.....

Sonrisa Morena: i've thought about taking him out with my friends and family and well it just doesn't look good

Dork: ahy.....dork you like to complicate your life.

Sonrisa Morena: seriously, like i was telling second mom, el de verdad es un rancherito

Sonrisa Morena: tell me how im complicating my life? if i haven't done anything yet...i told him that it would be best for us to get to know each other more when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Dork: you know what I am imagining...if you go for this....

Dork: I am imagining you with your long hair again....with dresses and going to church, does that sound familiar...

Dork: oh yeah and the part of being unhappy becasue you are not being you...

Sonrisa Morena: damn!!! you be one harsh gal!!!

Dork: no dork...am just telling you the truth...

Sonrisa Morena: AND don't you think that thats why im terrified of relationships

Sonrisa Morena: with anybody not just paisitas...i think like that even with girls i've gone out with

Dork: I dunno...

Sonrisa Morena: and thats why i'm going to be alone

Sonrisa Morena: FOREVER!!!! FOR EEEEEVVVVEEERRRRRR

Dork: you get lost...

Dork: that's the problem...

Sonrisa Morena: i do!!! i really do

Dork: so then work on that...

Sonrisa Morena: i know that about me!!!

Sonrisa Morena: i've been trying too

Dork: you are like a chamelion...

Sonrisa Morena: i think i've gotten a little better

Sonrisa Morena: at least i hope i have

Sonrisa Morena: so back to your 20 pounds...

Sonrisa Morena: whats going on with you?

Dork: nothing...there is no time for anything to be going on with me

My fellow bloggers what the hell is going on with me?!?!??!?! I don't think I'm better than this guy...do i?!?!?!

dont be offended....

2007-09-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

I had dinner with the HOLA gang on sunday. I love the gang but lately its been like a chore to go out with them. someone is ALWAYS late!!! someone ALWAYS doesn't have enough for dinner...well this wasn't the case this time...someone doesn't show up or forgets to tell one of us that they will be bringing some one so the waitress or waiter gets upset at us because they have to rearrange the table to make room for the extra person. Anywho, i was sooo frustrated on sunday that as soon as i walked into Iberico...spanish restaurant...i wanted to walk back out!!!

i was having such a good day too. i went to a chicago fire...soccer...game right before i met the gang. it was an awesome game too!!! i didn't understand a thing that was going on but just being in the almost brand new Toyota Park with all those nice looking soccer players and crazy fans made it worth while. I also thought of Joel...yes i thought of you...because chicago fire played against DC.

So anywho, we all got sitted and we talked about what was going on with our lives. ms. j and mr. motorcycles are both back in school and i'm going to apply in november. mr. cop is also in school and is thinking of going Federal...what ever that means..and looking into moving to Texas some time in the future. The conversation was good...then i said something that really upset ms. j. the rest of the gang didnt seem to even have noticed but i noticed that it really upset ms. j and with good reason. Here's the the part where i say "please dont get offended".

Ms. j mentioned something about her sending an e-mail from home so mr. motorcycle asked if she got a new computer. she says " my mom got me a lab top when i returned to school" and i said "wow, must be nice to be white"...i was just kidding though!!! (btw, just in case you hadn't figured it out ms. j is white) okay a little bit of me envies that part of her. she got really upset so she "left to get cash from the ATM". when she returned she said "Ms. Cali says hello" which of course was obvious to me that she had called ms. Cali...her best friend...to vent on what i had just said.

why am i sharing this with you? well because i feel guilty!!! but not for the reasons you may think but because i actually did mean that comment..."must be nice to be white". i'm sorry that i hurt Ms. j's feelings but i can't help feeling that way. i have often wondered what it would be like to be white!!! not that i'm not proud of being a mexican. i love my heritage!! i really do!!! i love the person that i am...well actually i'm a bit disappointed at what i discovered during this dinner about myself but is it really my fault that i feel this way? i consider myself very lucky to have the privileges i have sometimes, though, i get tired and frustrated at all the unfairness...for a lack of a better word.

Ms. j is a great person and she has worked hard and continues to work hard to get the stuff she wants but she has gotten alot of support. I remember when i first met her she told me "my dad got me a car for my graduation" WHAT?!?!? i know its not her fault but like i mentioned before i can't help but be a little envious. all i got when i graduated from college was "una hoya de frijoles". i remember when i told my dad that i was going back to college and his response was "nadamas vas a perder tu tiempo porque eres bien pendeja!!" so considering that response i'm glad i at least got that "hoya de frijoles."

other thoughts also came to mind as i sat in the restaurant...not wanting to be there but being polite. i remember ms. j calling me her little "ESL friend". I let that go though because i knew that she was messing around and that she really valued our friendship...at least i hope that was the case. or when i was waiting for the train once and this white man came up to me asking for directions. he tells me "wow, your English is great!! you have no accent!!" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? why the hell would i have a fucken accent asshole?!!? thats what i really wanted to say but didn't. i only said "thank you" and walked away angry!!! or the time that my white fifth grade teacher started calling me "maria" because she couldn't pronounce my name!!! maria isn't even close to what my real name is!!! or when ever i start a new job and a white co-worker says "oh, now i have someone to practice the little spanish that i know". i had to go to school and learn english so you go do the same ASSHOLE!!!! thats what i want to say but i only say "sure why not". ALL of these things i find offensive!!!!

by the time dinner was over i was sooooo angry and frustrated i just wanted to go home and chill. instead mr. rico suave and i ended up going over to mr. motorcycle's to watch the Bears loose...BIG TIME!!! what the hell is up with the bears this season!?!!? but this is another post...

i just want to say that i'm really sorry ms. j that i offended you....i really dont know what else to say though.

hola...

2007-09-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

i know i know its been a while. i've been busy with my two jobs....came to realize i really do need a car!!! i'm still working with kids and i'm still at Rush Hospital working with adults. Lately, though i've been wanting to quit both jobs. I'm tired of being a social worker. i don't want to do this anymore, i'm constantly trying to fix somebody's problem. maybe i'm burning out. maybe i just need a break. i was seriously thinking of quitting both jobs and applying at target the other day. i'm tired people!!!! anywho, enough of that.

I went to the mexican independence parade this sunday. i haven't been to that in yeeeeears. probably 15 years!!!! it was fun, i guess. it was nice being silly with all the little babies around me. i left before the parade was over. i had to go pee, hehehehehe. anywho, the only reason i went was because mr. rico suave wanted to go. glad i went, otherwise i wouldn't have met Saul and Armando...the little babies i was being silly with.

have i mentioned that i want a baby. i want a baby!!!!! i'm looking for donors. I talked to mr. motorcycle the other day about this. he started laughing when i told him "all i need is 15 minutes of your time, well it really depends on you but really it should be over in 5". he couldn't stop laughing "pinche sonrisa!!!" is all he kept saying. i was serious though!!! i really want to be a mommy!!! i think i would be great mommy!!! okay let me stop before i start crying.

nothing major going on right now in life. hmmm? my nephew Rocker started college!! omg!!!! i couldn't stop crying the day before. i just cant believe that 18 years ago i was the first one to change his diaper when he was brought home and now he is in college!!! his dad would have been soooo proud!!!

okay, lets talk about happy things!!! i got my bike sit stolen....IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION!!!! so this isn't happy but its kind of funny and sad at the same time. so yeah, i went to pick up my cases at the police station on california and i figured it was a nice day so i rode my bike. i was only at the station for 10 minutes, maybe less. just went upstairs, said my hello's, grabbed my cases and went back downstairs....less then ten minutes. as i walked toward my bike i realized my sit was gone!!!! BASTARDS!!!! what is the this world coming to!!!! so anywho, i tried riding without a sit but my legs got too tired. i called my daddy to go pick me up and he just laughed. he tells me "alguien lo necesitaba mas que tu". what ever daddy!!! then i told him that last time my bike got stolen but they left me the sit and he tells me "por eso lo hicieron entonces. porque sabian que tenias un extra sit" WHAT EVER DADDY!!!! i'm just outraged that they did it in front of the police station!!!!! GGGGGRRRRR!!!!

so thats my story and i'm stickin' to it!!!!

laters my fellow bloggers!!!

holaaaa!!!

2007-08-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

hey there my fellow bloggers!!!
i feel like its been forever!!!

well lets see... where to begin? i'm still loving my job!! i'm still looking for a romantic partner!!! and i still love kachito!!! even if he is evil!!! ehehehe

seriously, i had a really good weekend!!! my birthday/housewarming party was this weekend. i had soooo much fun!!! many of the people that said were coming didn't make it...but thats okay. i still had an awsome time and i hope my guest did too. chanclita and mr. chancla stopped by as well as santis!!! i wished santis would have stayed longer but oh well there is always next year. i had an impersonator who did a great job imitating pablo montero and rogelio martin!!! and then i did my gloria trevi dance!!! i had a blast!! chanclita and mr. chancla won the "pimp my 40" contest!!!! great job chanclita!!! they got to take a bottle of jimadores tequila home...santis and i will be waiting for an invitation soon ;-) i had so much fun!!!!

must get going...laters

can't breathe...

2007-07-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

i've been having the wierdest dreams...maybe chanclita can help me out? its been three times in a row that i have dreamt that i can't breathe!!! i'm in a room realizing that its getting harder and harder for me to breathe. i start walking towards the door but the more i can't breathe. it seems like when ever i tried the to walk towards the door the less oxygen there was so i felt stuck in that room. on three occasions i woke up scared...seriously its scary of just thinking of dying that way.

what does that mean? anybody?

hey there!!!

2007-07-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

well, i love my new job!!!! i get to work from home, got a cell phone and a laptop!! what else can i ask for??!?!?! seriously, thats not why i love my job. i love my job because of the kids i have on my case load. AWESOME kids who just need a little guidance and are longing for that feeling that someone actually cares what happens to them. I must be honest that unfortunetly some of these kids are a lost cause....i'm very very sad to say this. There is only so much i can say and do to such kids. I work with the family as well and let me tell what turmoil these families go through because the kids are in gangs!!! Moms crying, dads angry and screaming, grandmas "just giving up and letting you handle it"!!! AND my co-workers are GREAT!!! They are really nice people...well at least they are when i see them, which is once a week...when i turn in my paperwork.

well thats it for now...hopefully i will get to write some laters.

take care my fellow bloggers!!!

ooooh i almost forgot!!! I'LL BE CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY THIS WEEKEND!!!!! COME AND HAVE SOME DRINKS WITH ME THIS FRIDAY AT THE SPOT ON BROADWAY!!!! YAY!!!!!

kareoke....

2007-06-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

I had the best time ever last night!!!! I went to china town, had me some delicious chinese food then headed over to the kareoke place!!! i went with mr. HK, Mr. Chef, Ms. Windy. I met Ms Windy last week and i had mentioned to her that Mr. HK kept talking about going to a kareaoke place in china town but we never got around to it. Ms. Windy took charge and set everything up for last night!!! Mr. HK and Mr. Windy are Chinese and by the looks of it they are regulars at this place.

So after dinner we went to what i thought was a restaurant but apparently it wasn't. Mr. HK and Ms Windy spoke to the bartender...don't know what they were saying because they were speaking chinese but it must have been something about either wanting to stay at the big bar or wanting a room because he then led us to a room. The place had alot of these little rooms. Groups of people rent them for a couple of hours and sing all night!! I liked it because it was just the four of us which made it alot less stressful to sing...i need to be drinking in order for me to sing in a bar full of people. anywho, we sang all night!!! they had alot of choices and obviously alot of chinese songs. i sang madonna and whitney houston and other songs but my favorite song that i sang last night was "total eclipse of the heart"....i love that song!!!! "once upon a time i was falling in love and now i'm only falling apart, nothing i can do, a total of eclipse of the heart" I LOVE IT!!!! anywho, Mr. HK really surprised me!!! he sang some english songs but the ones that got to me were the chinese songs he sang. I had no idea what he was singing about but the way he sang got me all emotional. He has the most beautiful voice and he sang with such emotion...i was very very impressed mostly because when he is around people he is super shy and doesn't really say much. He's not shy with me though but i still didn't expect him to sing sooooo beautifully!!

I had fun last night...AND i want to go back for some more chinese kereoke!!! anyone care to join me?!?!?

no answer...

2007-06-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and went upstairs to my sister's. She wasn't there...her apartment was empty. I noticed that the flowers in the kitchen table were dead so I decided to throw them out but then I realized that the trash can had no bag so I went to the pantry to get a bag. As I was putting the bag on the trash can I realized how EMPTY my sister's home felt. I looked at where my brother-in-law sat all the time and I started to cry. I walked over to get the dead flowers to throw them away. As I poured the water down the sink, I had to grab the sink because at this point I was sobbing uncontrollably. I walked towards the dining room and the image of my brother- in -law with the oxygen tank sitting at the end of the table came to mind. I sat at the other end crying asking him "why did you have to leave us so soon? why?!?!?!" no answer...I got up and walked to the living room to open the shades so that some light could come in but only got as far as the chair next to the living room door. I sat there crying and the image of my brother-in-law lying down on the couch with the oxygen tank next to him came to mind. I asked him once again "why did you have to leave us soon? why?!?!?" no answer...

I started thinking about all the things that he will be missing out on...he already missed out on seeing my nephew Rocker graduate high school. Rocker will be going to UIC and he tells me he is scared...I can hear my brother-in-law telling Rocker "mi'jo usted no tengo miedo, usted hechele ganas y si no la hace pues si quiera el intento hizo". He was so good to his kids, so good to my sister. Why did have to leave us so soon?...

i quit!!!!

2007-06-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

yes my dear bloggers i quit my job at the unemployment office!!!! i just couldn't take it. i didn't like my co-workers and it was getting to the point where i dreaded to get up in the morning to go to work. i would get this really weird headache once i got to work...it just wasn't good. Anywho, my last day is this coming Thursday.

I'll be starting my new job in July. I'll be working at Mt. Sinai Hospital and the Juvenile Court. My population will be 10-18 year old kids that have been arrested for minor offenses. We'll see how that goes...I'll be making my own schedule so that's a big plus for me!!! i won't be in the office all day because I'll be making home visits and visiting the kids' schools. my new boss seems to be cool and am looking forward to working with her. we'll see how it goes.

so lets see what else is going on? so Mr. Colombian and I don't talk anymore...i guess i was too far for him to visit so he decided just to stop talking all together. okay so this is what really happened...apparently he didn't like me hanging out with Mr. Rico Suave because he thinks that Mr. Rico Suave is a bad influence so he told me "either you stop hanging out with him or stop hanging out with me" what?!?!? oh hell no!!! you just didn't ask me that!??!??! so can you guess who i chose? yes i stuck with Mr. Rico Suave...so he's a little mess up, okay alot messed up, but he is also a friend who wouldn't make me choose between him and another person!!! so anywho, Mr. Colombian and i don't talk anymore. do i miss him? not really.

i am totally loving living in The Village!!! I've gain so much weight though...its all this good food my sister cooks!!! she is an awesome cook!!! but i need to stop eating it because I've gain weight like there is no tomorrow!! according to Santis the weight looks good on me...thanks dude but when I'm trying to fit in last summer clothes i get a bit depressed. MUST LOOSE WEIGHT!!!

ooooohhh, i went to Maxwell Street today!!!! i haven't been there in ages!!! i had soooo much fun!!! i had forgotten all the goodies you can find there!!! it's not like the old days but none the less i still enjoyed myself. Maxwell Street is a flea market, by the way.

i also found out when my parents will be coming back from Mexico!!! July 24th!!!! two days after my birthday!!! yay!!! i miss my parents, especially my mommy! yes i said mommy!!! do you have a problem with that?!!???! that's what i thought!!

I'm already starting preparations for my birthday/housewarming party...it won't be until august 11th but it doesn't hurt to start now. i'm soooo excited!!!

well my dear bloggers that is it for now...laters alligators

hello there...

2007-04-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

well it's my third week at work. i have come to the conclusion that i'm going to have a difficult time with my co-workers!!! i HATE their attitudes towards the clients!!!! last week i was really upset because clients walk in the office nervous, scared, and anxious...who wouldn't be?!?!! i mean you are unemployed for crying out loud, some of these people don't know how or when they will be able to pay the bills...and then to have these people, my co-workers, intimidate them!!!! that really pissed me off!!!! i left the office close to tears because i was soooo angry!!! i wanted to tell my co-workers off but i can't do that...at least not yet. i want to learn more before i start opening my mouth!! i dont want these people telling me "your new!!! you don't know shit so shut up!!" and trust me they WOULD say something like that but the day they do they will really know who Sonrisa is!!! motha fuckers!!!!! ggrrrr!!! it just makes me sooo angry!!! i swear i will advocate for my peeps for as long as i can!!! the co-workers have no right treating them the way they do!!!! when will some people understand that just because you are behind the desk does not make you any better then anyone!!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

well on to much nicer things. i had a very lovely weekend!!! i went out to dinner with some friends here at the village on saturday and on sunday la familia and i had a cookout. i LOVE cookouts!!! good times!!

i went to springfield on wednesday through friday to attend a training. let me tell you that springfield is boring!!!!! damn!! there's nothing to do over there!!!! i was bored out of my mind!! i can't really complain though because everything was paid for. however, i have decided that next time i will take a friend!!! damn that place was boring!!!

when i returned from springfield i came home to a very lonely kachito. i hugged him and kissed him and told him how much i missed him. i thought all was well until my friends came over on saturday evening. kachito is back to his old self!!! he started hissing and trying to scratch them!!! he wasn't doing that anymore when we first moved to the new apartment...he was being super freindly up until saturday. what's going on?!?!? is it because i left him for three days!??!?! somebody explain to me why kachito is aggressive again!!! he is super nice when we are alone though. it's just when people come to my apartment. he even hissed at my niece!!! he hadn't done that since we moved here...haaay, don't know what to think anymore. none the less i love kachito no matter what mood he is in!!

mmmm pizza!!!!!

2007-04-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

so i just had the best pizza ever!!! yes my chicagoan bloggers i just had homerun inn pizza!!!!!! the best pizza ever!!! one of the many perks of living in the village.

so lets see what's going on with my life...hmmmm? oh yeah have i mentioned i move to the village!!! my sister tells me that i'm happy and excited for now but once summer comes things will change for me. "loud music every where you go, eloteros every 5 minutes, las campanitas de los paleteros every 5 minutes...it's all going to get on your nerves and it's going to make you run back to the northside" i don't think so. i'm embracing la villita!!! haaay ya parece que naci en el northside...hehehehhe.

i'm super excited about starting my new job. i'm so ready to have a stable schedule!!! 9-5:00 schedule here i come. i'm sure i'll be complaining about my new job soon but for the time being let me enjoy :-)

i miss my colombiano friend!!! he is super busy with school...he is taking 5 classes and apparently they all turned out to be more difficult then he thought. he calls me everyday though...which i find a little odd but none the less makes me happy. hmmm? am i starting to like mr. colombian???! noooooo!!!! i am in love with mr. motorcycle and if all goes to plan, him and i should be a couple by this summer...mmmwuhhahahhahaha. yes!!! i've decided that i have waited long enough therefore i will make my move this summer....okay i must be high on the pizza because there is nooooo way i'm making anything happen with mr. motorcycle.

anywho, things are well at this end. hope all is well with you...

back to the village!!!

2007-04-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

well i moved back to little village!!!! yay!!! it is sooooo much sooner then i had origanilly planned but it all worked out. i was in sooooo much pain on monday from the move. my place is coming along.

mr. colombian is sad that i left but hey if he really wants to see me he can come over anytime. rico suave is also sad that i "left him". i'm a bit confused as to how i feel about the move...i'm sooo much closer to my family...a good thing but can also be a bad thing. for the most part i'm happy.

kachis? holy crap!!! he was going crazy on sunday night but by monday he was super chilled. he's even friendly to people who come to visit me!!! he totally is loving the new place.

mr. motorcycle is super happy as well. he has called me all this week to "see what i'm doing". he helped me out on monday with some picture frames. he took me to home depot to get some stuff i needed for my new place, "you just let me know when you need to go again" is what he told me.

i must admit that i miss the north side...there are no borders bookstores over here!!!! somebody's gotta work on that!!! ehehehhehee. i crack myself up!!

laters....

where to start?....

2007-03-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

well i have been hired at the unemployment office in Pilsen!!!! YAY!!!! for me!! i will be officially working for the government starting April 16th!!! i will also be moving back to the village in july. i will be having my b-day/housewarming party then. you are all invited!!! dc you must come over with morena, cincy bring your favorite book and we'll read it together ;-), Todd i await your arrrival as well!!! enemy of the republic come visit your old home, and coco bring along your husband and doggies during summer break. the chicagoan bloggers have no excuse for not showing up!!! i know it's still a few months away but i'm sooo excited. i haven't been this excited and happy for a while.

lets see what else...oh yeah. some things never change. this past weekend i went to a gay bar...i haven't been to a gay bar in like forever!! anyway, i stopped going about two years ago so i figured things might be different. nope!! things haven't changed. there was still the creepy "straight" guy floating around looking for the fag hags. this guy just creeped me out. i use to see him ALL the time at all this different gay bars in boys town. he tried talking to me a few times 'till he figured out i was on to him. i ALWAYS saw him leaving with a poor drunk girl once the bar was closing. i just think that's kind of pathetic...guy going to gay bars looking for girls. hmmm? but if it's been working for him power to him...i guess.

hmmm? oh yeah, mr. colombian, whom by the way is NOT my boyfriend, keeps insisting on moving in with me once i move to the village. "HELL!!! NOOO!", is what i told him. "but it's a three bedroom apartment!! what will you be doing with a three bedroom apartment?" "one room will be my bedroom, the other will be kachito's bedroom, and i'm using the third as my walk in closet" i told him. he gave me his "whoooot?!?!!? what do you mean the cat is going to have his own room!??" THE CAT WILL HAVE HIS OWN ROOM!!!! HELLO?!?!? WHICH PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!! he said that i still have a few more months to change my mind but really i don't want a roommate. i'm used to living by myself, yes sometimes i get lonely but most of the time i like being alone. we'll see what happens. i will most definetly keep you informed.

laters for now

on the bus ride to work or home...

2007-03-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

why do people have this need to tell me their problems while i'm on the bus!! sometimes i dont really mind. i've met really nice people...mostly older ladies. they tell me about their aches and pains and about their diets and about "how things were when they were younger". BUT than there are those annoying one's that just don't get the hint. i ignore them, take out my book to read, roll my eyes at them...yet they can't seem to get it!!! I don't want to hear about how much money you are sueing your "friend" because he did you wrong!!! I don't want to hear about how people just don't understand rap!!! or why Prince WAS a slave after all. Yes my dear friends these are the kind of conversations people strike up with me!!!! sometimes i'm just sooo tired that i just a peaceful ride back home. aaayyy, i gotta work on getting a car!!!

don't kids go to school anymore!??!

2007-03-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

so this morning i went with my mom to get her mexican passport. everything was cool...now you have to make an appointment so the wait isn't that long, where as before you would have to get to the place at 6 in the morning in order for you get out at 2 in the afternoon, if you were that lucky!! anywho, while i was filling out the application for mom they asked for an emergency contact and that person's information. i decided to put my older sister's info but i couldn't remember her address so i call her at home. my little niece answers, "what the hell are you doing there??!?!?" i asked her as soon i heard her voice. "oh it's half a day at school" she tells me. "don't you kids ever go to school anymore!?!?!?" i ask. i reacted this way because on Monday i went to visit my sister and my niece opens the door. "are you sick? why aren't you at school?" i ask her. she tells me "it's pulaski's day" who the hell is pulaski?!!! why are we celebrating him!?!! this was monday!!! today is wednesday!!!! two days in one week!!!!! what the hell?!!? i think i've decided to send my kids to private schools!!!...that's if i do end up having kids.

nice weekend

2007-03-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

i had a nice weekend.

Lets starts with thursday though... on thursday i got to hangout with hk and his partner. i hadn't seen them in a long time. Friday i hungout with chuckaroon. he came from st. louis. he brought a freind with...very sweet guy. we had dinner at the little mexican cafe. the food is awsome!!! they make the guacamole in a molacajete right in front of you!!! the food was great!! i also had strawberries with cajeta for dessert!! yummy yummy!! on saturday i hung out with the hola gang. we laughed all night!!! mostly just making fun of each other. we also went to krispy kreme in memory of tazman...it's been four years. we played cards...mr. policeman won all the money!!! we all think he was cheating but he swears he wasn't!!! whatever is what i have to say to that. on sunday i had dinner with my parents and my two sisters. we went to my favorite thia restaurant. my parents loved the food and i loved the coconut icecream!! damn i ate sooooo much this weekend.

i have to go see santis new baby this weekend!!! i saw some pictures already and the baby is sooooo cute!! looks nothing like santis...hehehehe just kidding dude, you know i love!!

talk to your laters peoples

i'm back!!!

2007-02-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

well things seem to be going okay. i'm currently on the search for either a full-time or part-time job...damn i didn't think it was going to be this difficult!! okay i just started sending my resume to different places last week...i guess i must be patient.

i just finished talking to my second mom...i'm planning on moving back to the hood. why? because i want to be closer to my family. my sister/second mom seems to be holding on pretty good. i was talking to my niece last week and she told me that my sister cries at night and my niece tries to console her by telling her that my brother-in-law wouldn't like seeing her cry anymore. when my sister is with us though she seems okay...i guess we all have our moments and i know that this will take time.

my daddy is doing good too as well. he is getting surgery in march. it turns out they found something wrong with his spinal cord so they want to take care of it before it becomes to be a problem. my daddy and mom are going to back to mexico as soon as the surgery is over. they were supposed to go back at the end of this month but they decided to put the trip on hold until daddy's health gets better. i'm just glad that my dad is doing alot better.

mr. colombian is still around. have i mentioned that he said the "L" word? yes he told me he LOVED me!!!!! i totally freaked and asked if he was okay? anywho, things were a bit uncomfortable for a while there but they are back to normal again. the guy makes me laugh!!! he is such a dork!!!

Oh yeah, i almost forgot!!! my family was t.v.!!!! they were in the spanish version of Family Feud!!! it's called "que dice la gente?" it was soooo funny to watch!!! my dad recorded it so we are planning on getting together this weekend at the parents to watch it together. mr. motorcycle asked why i didn't participate and i told him because my spanish was not that good. the familia played at home to see who would go to the show and well i was first one out!!!

i have missed you bloggers!!! i saw most of you a few days ago, that totally made me smile. i do think about the ones i don't get see like cincy, todd, coco, dc, and cruel virgin. i want to thank all of you for sending good vibes down my way :-) thanks!!!

hasta laters!!!

i'm okay...

2007-01-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

i'm hanging on in there. i've talked to a few bloggers and well i'll tell you what i've told them. at this point in my life i feel really lost!! don't know what to do. continue to question whether i want to keep on doing social services.

my daddy had a mini heart attack...he is doing alot better now...and let me tell you that it was a few scary days for me and my family. he is back at home being daddy again.

i continue to do my part-time gig as a research assistant.

i'm hanging on in there...like mr. colombian says "i have no choice but to hang on in there"

take care my fellow bloggers and i hope all is well in your worlds. i will try my bestest to me again...i hope its soon.

life...

2006-12-24T18:12:00.000-08:00

has been challenging these past few weeks!!!

Friday, December 22 was my last day at my AIDS/HIV job. i'm really sad about leaving my job but happy leaving the agency...does this make sense? i'm going to miss my clients alot...especially my schizoprenic client. I actually cried as i was saying my goodbye to him..."who is going to check up on me, sonrisa? who am i going to talk to now? i don't think i want to continue coming to this agency if you're not here anymore?" yes i cried!!! i'm going to miss him the most.

i got a phone call from a doctor at Rush hospital because he was informed that i was a spanish speaking research assistant. this project will have me working with the latino individuals that are having heart problems. i hope i get this job!!! the doctor is supposed to call me this week to talk about my salary..."i hope i can afford you" he says. DAMN!!! at this point i'll take anything...okay, not anything. i have been seriously thinking about not doing social work anymore. i'm tired. i'm....i want to focus on me!!! it's time i start focusing on me. not that i haven't but i've just been feeling lost ever since my brother-in-law died. he was only 42 years old!!!! he was young!!! he was a great person who loved my sister and his children alot!!! he didn't drink, he didn't smoke...i'm just so angry!!!! he was soooo young!!!

the night he died, my younger sister called me to let me know that he wanted to see me. i was working at Rush that evening and practically ran to Stoger's Hospital. i was crying all the way to the hospital because even though dork hadn't mentioned anything about him dying i just knew he was leaving us that night. when i got to Stroger's, dork was waiting for me downstairs. i looked at her and hugged her. i cried uncontrollably as dork told me "the doctors said he only has a couple of more hours". as i took the elevator upstairs i tried to calm myself down but as soon as i saw him i lost it again. one hour later he was gone. there are so many things i want to forget about that night...him being in so much pain, me asking my frida to take him because i couldn't stand him being in pain!!! my sister crying asking him not to leave her. i want to forget so many things about that night!!!

my sister, my second mom...what can i say about her. i can't even imagine what she is going through right now. it's christmas eve and we are all supposed to be happy...but we are not. my second mom is the most amazing woman...aside from my mommy...ever.

today as i got off the bus, i started walking towards her house and i kept telling myself "you're not going cry!!! you have to be strong for her!!! you're not going to cry!!" but i couldn't. i walked in the house and saw her cooking some taquitos, i hugged her and went to the living room to cry by myself. she later came in and tells me "sonrisa, ya no llores que todo va estar bien"

he was only 42 years old damn it!!!!!

2006-12-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

my brother-in-law is no longer with us. he died on December 12, 2006 at 9:40 p.m.

update..

2006-12-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

well, i have quit my job!!!! the AIDS/HIV jobs. i'm still at my part-time job though. i'm nervous as hell because i don't hava another job lined up but we'll see how it goes. too much going on that i decided i had enough yesterday so i gave my resignation this morning!!! ooooh my Frida, what am i doing? i'm soooooo going to miss my clients!!! don't know what the next chapter will be about but i will keep you posted.

my daddy is doing waaaay better. my brother-in-law is not. he is still in the hospital and will most likely be for christmas :-(

mr. colombian is still around. i truly am glad that i decided to keep him around. he has been such a great friend. we've become soooo close these past few weeks. he keeps reminding me not too forget "what a strong woman" i am. it's difficult at times to be strong though.

anywho, have a good weekend bloggers.

i want it to be like it was...

2006-12-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

well this thanksgiving sucked and i think things will continue to suck for a while..ours thanksgiving was not at all festive.

my daddy was in the hospital. he had his gall bladder removed and had to spend extra days in the hospital for precautinary reasons due to his age. it got really scared. my dad and i have not had the greatest relationship however lately it's been getting alot better. we actually hug and i kiss him good bye whereas before we couldn't be in the same room without us getting into an arguement. when i went to go see him in the hospital we both started crying. the surgery wasn't that serious but to see my daddy in the hospital bed scared me!!! i've known for a while that he is not the strong scary man he once was. he looked old and scared to me in that bed. it just made think about too much!!

that same week my brother in law went back to the hospital. it's not looking too good for him. we had post poned our thanksgiving dinner for this saturday but my mom doesn't feel too comfortable having it with my brother in law in such bad shape...he needs a heart transplant SOON!!!. i already hated these holidays, this is just make it worse. i'm trying really hard to keep strong...since i'm the freakin' social worker i keep being asked to talk to the family. it keeps getting harder though because i can't tell them that "things will be okay" when i know they won't be okay and they won't be okay for a while. i just want things to be the way they use to be.

other than that things are okay with me. i've been really depressed but that's normal and i know it will pass. mr. colombian has been awsome. he continues to be a jerk though but he has been good to me latetly...frienshipwise. he makes me laugh when i most need it. i'm still working my two jobs. i need to start my christmas shopping...it will be very short list this year. i'm not really sure if there will be a christmas for us...

kachito is still being a punk to other people but he loves me and that's all that matters to me!!!

have a good weekend my fellow bloggers and please take care of yourselves...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING....

2006-11-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

MAY WARM THOUGHTS AND BEST WISHES ALWAYS BE WITH YOU!!!

i'm tired...

going crazy!!

2006-11-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

i'm am going crazy with these two jobs!! i love doing what i'm doing but really i leave my apartment at 8:50 a.m. and don't get home until 10-ish!!!! well at least i can work from home too!! that really does make a huuuge difference. i need some rest though. i feel like i haven't gotten enough sleep in like forever!! i'm also exhausted because i have been helping my sister with my brother in law!!! that is driving me insane as well. it is soooo difficult. i have been trying to get a nurse to go to my brother in laws but because he speaks no english it has become a challenge!!! i'm tired, sleepy and exhausted.

i'm going to help mr. motorcycle with his paper tonight which means i probably will not get home 'til 1-ish. i shouldn't really complain because i'm doing this to myself. i could just tell mr. motorcylce that he needs to find someone else to help him out but i'm choosing not to do that.

oh yeah, things with the colombian are pretty wierd. have i mentioned that i had dinner with his parents!!! yes i met the parents!!! we still see each other every day or if we don't see each other we talk on the phone. it really is wierd but such is life!! he keeps me entertained.

gotta go!!

it's friday...

2006-11-03T13:14:00.000-08:00

well so far i've been having a good day. i went to kohl's during my lunch hour and bought myself a purse for 6 buckaroos!!! from 38 dollars it went down to 6!!! that totally made my day!!

anywho, i don't have any plans for this weekend. i work tomorrow and then i plan to go home and chill!! i need some "me time"!!!

update on mr. colombian. we are talking again. he kept calling me and i kept avoiding his phone calls. i finally called him back and he kept apologizing...blah blah blah. i must say that the incident changed the entire relationship... i can't help but laugh at this because "hell!! it better have!!". i do enjoy his company and he does make me laugh... so we won't be romantically involved, nothing wrong with that.

have a good weekend my fellow bloggers

dinner with the santis man....

2006-11-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

so last night i hung out with santis. we went to a local bar and had bar food...i totally love bar food!!! we ate like there was no tomorrow!!! well at least i did. we had a few beers...awww yes good times good times. afterwards he took me shopping...i need to somewhat dress up for my new job. i have no dress up clothes!!! all i own are jeans...really does a person need anything else? any way, it was somewhat depressing for me because i realized that i'm no longer the size i thought i was!!! what?!?! que?!?!? como?!?! i'm a much larger size!!!! what?!??! que?!?!? como?!?!? i was really depressed...okay no i wasn't..hehehehe. i'm actually okay with it but i MUST do something about it!!!! i have decided to go on a diet!!!! salads and water for me from now on...starting after the holidays..heheheheh

just for you cincy...

2006-11-01T12:33:00.000-08:00

1. One book that changed your life: women hollering creek by sandra cisneros. the first book i read written by a latina writter...i felt empowered.

2. One book that you've read more than once: house on mango street by sandra cisneros. she writes about the neighborhood i grew up!! how cool is that?

3. One book you'd want on a desert island: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart presents America (the book); a citizen's guid to democracy inaction. hmmm? you know so when i start longing to be with civilization all i need to do is open Jon Stewart's book...i'm sure i'll keep wanting to be bymyself.

4. One book that made you laugh: bridget jones diary by helen fielding. this book had me cracking up!!! people would stare at me if i was reading it while i was on the train or bus.

5. One book that made you cry: Bless me, Ultima by Rudolofo Anaya. i couldn't stop crying 15 minutes after i had finished reading the book.

6. One book you wish had been written: the story of my life...hey, i think my life is interesting!!

7. One book you wish had never been written: those ann coulter books...need i say more?!?!

8. One book you're currently reading: the red tent by Anita Diament. it's been on my list forever!!! i'm finally getting to it.

9. One book you've been meaning to read: there's actually more than one. i have a huuuuge
list...the next one on that list is Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the west.

10. Six people to tag: who ever wants to do this.

men are idiots!!!!

2006-10-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

that's it!!!! i've decided to give up on men completely!!! COMPLETELY!!!

so this weekend started out being fun. i went to the parties with mr. Colombian...really i was having loads of fun. But then at the very last party that we went to i saw him making out with a girl!!! so okay we are not in a relationship but still i got really upset so i went home with a complete stranger!!! okay i didn't but that crossed my mind. anywho, i went home...took a cab...and the following morning mr. colombian calls me to make sure that i got home okay. i said "of course i did, i just saw you getting cozy with that girl so i thought we weren't going home together" he then proceeds by asking me to go over his place to have breakfast and adds "btw i invited the girl that i met last night" WHAT?!?!?!? again we have not established a romantic relationship but we do have some kind of relationship!!! so i asked "does this girl know that i'll be there?" and he says "no" WHAT?!?!?!?!? really i just hung up the phone at that point. He later calls me to apologize and says that he made a mistake and called the girl to cancel on her. he also tells me that he will come over to my place to cook breakfast for me. what do i do? i tell him "whatever!!" and hung up on him again. i was sooooo angry!!! mostly at myself for allowing this idiot to get to me. he later text messages me saying "i'm sorry for being a jerk". why oh why do i keep getting involved with jerks!!! i haven't responded to his text message.

it's friday...

2006-10-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

yes it's friday!!! lets see what are my plans for this weekend? HALLOWEEN PARTIES!!!!!! i will be party hopping this weekend. not sure where the first 3 are but we...mr. colombian and i...will end up at ms. deiders annual halloween party!! she makes the best killer punch ever!!! i totally love her halloween parties!! i will dress up as a french maid and mr. colombian has been very secretive about his costumes...yes costumes because he plans to wear 3 different costumes!! the man is crazy!!!i'm sooo looking forward to this weekend.

oh yeah, i've started my new job!!!...'member i got hired part-time as a research assistant at a hospital. i totally love it!! my new co-workers are totally awsome!! i'm really excited!!! i will work on saturdays though which means my ass better stay at home on friday nights so i can get a good night's sleep!! i will be trained on how to draw blood and take the blood pressure. have i mentioned that i will be working with the latino diabetic community, well that's my new population. i have to admit that i was very nervous my first day because there is so much new terminology that i need to learn but by the time i was going home i had a huge smile on my face because i knew that i was going to be okay!! i love it! i'm so looking forward to it.

things with mr. colombian have been a bit odd...in a good way. we have been seeing each other almost everyday. he took me to this really nice and cozy italian restaurant on wednesday night. we had a very intense conversation, not about our relationship though, i think we are both trying to avoid that conversation, but about life and what makes us happy and what gets us upset. it was a nice and intense conversation. yeah, we are definetly getting along. he surprised me on tuesday night. i was not having a good day at all and so in order to relax myself i cook...yes i love to cook because it relaxes me. anyway, some how he got inside the building and i was all in my own little world when i hear a knock on the back door. i literally jumped!! it was a nice surprise to see him there!! i asked him how he got in and he says "i used my magic fingers" hmmmm? i wonder what else those magic fingers of his can do ;-) anywho, he asked if i knew he was coming over because i was cooking... i said "oh but of course!! i can sense anything you do!!" anywho, we had a nice dinner. you know what i totally like about mr. colombian? he keeps on insisting that i'm too thin and that i need to gain weight!!! what? i'm not at all skinny !!! i may be falling in love with the man!!...just for that reason alone..hehehehehe

well, as usually i will write about my weekend adventures. you bloggers have a good weekend and if you are going out to party...which i really hope you are...have fun and be careful!!

i couldn't stop crying...

2006-10-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

last night i went over to see my mommy and we had a conversation that has left me numb.

so everybody thinks that they have the greatest mom in the world...if they don't they should think that. i know i do!! my mommy had 10 kids!! TEN!! and she knows each one of us so well!! we all have very different personalities yet she knew and knows exactly when something is bothering us. she knows how to talk to us, she knows what our favorite things, knows what to say to make us feel better. she claims that she has a bad memory yet she remembers EVERYTHING about each one of us like when we said our first word, our first step, the first time we talked back to her, our first day at school...she remembers EVERYTHING. she makes us our favorite food...if one of us is visiting her and we tell her that we are in the mood for tamales, pozole, or mole on our next visit she will have that for us!! she claims not to speak or understand english yet when my younger sister and i are having a conversation in english about planning on doing something that we know she would not approve she tell us "entendi todo lo que dijieron y si lo hacen se las van a ver conmigo!!" i love my mom!!! i love having converstions with her about "los viejos tiempos"...she has the most awsome stories!! or about how when daddy used to make her cry and now she is strong to defend herself and how daddy freaks out when she does it. i've always admired my mom for everything she has had to put up with my dad and with us.

i'm very very close to my mom. i consider her to be my best friend. growing up my sisters were very very mean to me, they allienated me and 'til this day i don't know why. i would go ask my mommy why my sisters would treat that way...they would completely ignore me, call me names, make fun of body (i've had big boobs since i was 11 years old and according to them my lips were to thick so they called me fish lips, they also made fun of my hips). they never wanted to go out to play with me and as we got older they never wanted to go out with me ('til this day they still don't like to go out with and i don't understand why). when i got kicked out of my house it was because my sisters told on me...i spent a weekend with the boyfriend (big huuuuuuge no no for us mexicans!!) anyway, because i felt like my sisters didn't love me or want me around i always went to my mom. i would tell her about boys i met, about my day in school, my day at work or if i needed to vent about anything i would do it with my mommy. she is such a great listener....of course i wouldn't and still dont' tell her everything because there are some things a daughter should never tell her mother. i developed a great relationship with my mom...my sisters then began saying that i was my mom's favorite!!...they still say that but really i don't care anymore!

Lately i have noticed that my mommy is getting old...her hands are wrinkled, her hair is no longer gray but white, she seems sooo much smaller now to me. she has a difficult time walking and carrying things around. she no longer is able to climb up the chair to put the tamales en la olla, now she asks one of us to do it. she is no longer able to go up and down the stairs without one of us helping her. as mentioned before, last night i was over at my parents and my mom mentioned my brother in law and how sometimes he wants to just give up. i told her that i believe that everybody has a purpose in this world how everybody needs to find that purpose. she then says "yo no se porque yo estoy aqui" and i tell her that she is here for us!! her nine kids...one of my sisters passed away at the age of 2...and go on by telling her that i don't know what my life would have been without her. she then gets really quiet and her eyes get really watery and says "ya quiero que te vayas acustumbrande a que yo no este aqui para siempre" at that point i started crying and hugged her and told her that the day she leaves me is the day i leave too. i didn't know what else to say. we have never talked about anything like this...i went home and i couldn't stop crying. i can't stop thinking about it...AND seriously i want to not think about anymore.

the missing bottle of tequila...

2006-10-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

so it's almost friday and thank my frida for that!!! i need sleep!!! sleep i say!!

well my housewarming was nice. alot of people that i expected to come didn't make it and people that i didn't think were actually going to make it made it!! the party didn't end 'til 6 o'clock in the morning!! the first crowd started to come at around 7 and left at about 10:30. the second crowd came at around 10:30 and didn't leave at around 6!!! i had fun though. mr. colombian was there, the cop was there, and the 23 year old was there as well. i really like all these guys. the fabulous trio (minus one) were also there!! they stopped by later and left so much later!! chanclita also stopped by!!! yay!! it was nice to see her and mr. cc. She brought a beautiful martini glass...sorry you didn't win chanclita but you have to admit the orange one was gorgeous. There were three glasses in the contest and mr. p took the prize!!! what was the prize, you ask? well it was bottle of tequila...that got lost 'til yesterday that is!!! we couldn't find it!!! i thought mr. p had taken but he told me he didn't, that it had to be somewhere in my apartment. so last night i was putting something in the freezer and what do i find?!?!? the bottle of tequila!!! don't know how it got there but there it was!!! it was a great time!!

i haven't been getting much sleep lately. after everyone left on sunday morning i finally went to bed at 7 o'clock but my freakin' phone kept ringing!!! i finally turned it off!! then i keep on making plans to go out!! monday i went to go see my brother in law...don't want to talk about that now. afterwards i went to see mr. ray ray, he broke his ankle 'member, and i was there for quite some time. yesterday i went to go see a late movie, The Science of Sleep with Gael Garcia Bernal!!! the movie was great!!! i totally recommend it!!! i fell in love all over again with Gael Garcia!!! i totally adore that guy!! you MUST go watch it. Tonight i will be celebrating Mr. Ed's b-day and then i will be going to a puerto rican performance with mr. colombian!!! why oh why do i do this to myself!?!?! that was me being dramatic..hehehhehe

gggrrrrrr!!!

2006-10-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

why do some people take themselves too fucken serious!!!! your shit smells just as bad as the rest of ours does!!!!! bastards!!!!

it's friday!!!!

2006-10-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

so the weekend is finally here!!! i have to get ready for tomorrow, there is sooooo much i need to do. i will say that at least my apartment is already cleaned up so all i have to do tomorrow is cook!! AND i LOVE to cook!!!! the menu is all set. i will be going grocery shopping on the southside today after work. things are soooo much cheaper on the southside!!!

so i went out last night with the fabulous trio (minus one, mr. motorcylce is on a conference in florida). i had dinner with mr. hk at an indian restaurant...the food was sooooo yummy!! afterwards we met up with mr. bean, pokey reese and pokey reese's cousins (they are visiting from mexico) at ceasar's for some killer margaritas....aaawww yes good times, good times. we also went to spanish kareoke where i tried to sing but i couldn't stop laughing because mr. bean was being sooo silly!!

tuesday night i had the best time ever!!! i had dinner with mr. ed and mr. p. while we were having dinner mr. colombiano called me to see if i wanted to go the old town school of folk music because it was colombian night. i told him i had my friends over and he tells me "oh yeah, you did tell me that last night, i forgot. ok well i'll call you when i get back" a few seconds later my phone rings again, it was him again "hey, why don't you ask them if they want to come to the performance, i really do want you to see the performance" so we all went and i had the best time ever. the music was awsome, the dancers were great and the singing rocked!!! thanks mr. colombian for inviting!!! ooooh i almost forgot, so as soon as my friends were dropped off by mr. colombian asks me "so do you think they liked me?" i thought it was the cutest thing ever!! but i was also thinking "dude does it really matter, i mean you and i are just friends, right?" i was only thinking it though. hmmm? maybe i should have said it out loud. anywho, i had a good time.

well my fellow bloggers, have a good weekend!!!! i know i will...my friends are coming over this weekend to get drunk with me!!!!! which reminds me i must also get the prize when i go to the southside...must remember!!!

stuff...

2006-10-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

my weekend was not exactly how i had planned it. turns out my friends husband broke his ankle and was taken to the emergency room, which lead him to some surgery and some massive amount of pain killers!!! i was bummed out that we didn't go to michigan but very happy that mr. ray ray accident wasn't worse. 'member i was suppose to go to michigan this past weekend with mr. and mrs. ray ray.

i still had a good weekend. i spent most of the weekend with mr. columbiano. he cooked breakfast for me on sunday morning and then watched movies for the rest the day. i went to see my brother-in-law at the hospital on monday afternoon. i felt as if i was visiting one of my clients because we talked about public aid...he got fired from his job so he no longer has insurance for him or his family!!!. i also talked to the nurse to make sure that he talked to the hospital's social worker so that he applied for SSDI and asked her about all the meds he is currently taking. i was with him for 4 hours that by the time i left i was soooo exhausted. i wanted to go visit my mommy but i called her up and told her that i was going home to my kachis because i was really tired. not sure when my brother-in-law will be getting out of the hospital or if he ever will...

i started getting ready for my party this saturday. i cleaned my apartment...mostly the kitchen and my closet. i have two huuuuuge bags of clothes and shoes that are ready to be dropped off the salvation army. i also put some curtains on...i personally think they look great. i'm tired right now but i have some freinds coming over for dinner tonight. which reminds me, i need to stop at the store to get lettuce and limes!!!

i couldn't sleep last night. i was thinking too much about mr. rico suave. yes he is back in the picture. he continues to be in an abusive relationship and i continue to get angry!!! having gone through an abusive relationship i understand to some degree why mr. rico suave continues to be with his partner but really there is just much a person can take. at least that's what happened to me. it got to the point where i told myself "i know you love yourself more than this!!!" and so i left. i was scared as hell when i finally did it but i did it. i keep telling people that if I did it anybody can because really i'm not that strong of a person. so if little ol' me did it so can mr. rico suave and so can my sister and so can...anybody really. i guess they will leave their abusers when they feel the time is right...for now i'm going to try to enjoy my time with mr. colombian.

i want this day to be over!!!!

2006-10-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

i've had 3...yes THREE!!!!!!...suicidal calls today!!!! what the fuck is that about?!?!?!!? i blame it all on the weather!!!!

AND i just got a phone call from my sister telling me that my brother- in- law is back in the hospital!!!

hhhaaayyy!! i need a fucken drink!!!!

updates...

2006-10-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

so i'm at work procrastinating big time on my notes!! i do not like writing notes!!! but i understand that i have to...just incase something happens to my client and somebody tries to blame me for something. anywho, i have sooo much crap to do but no energy to do so, here at work and at home. my place is a complete mess!!! i was trying on soooo many outfits before i left to michigan for the wedding on friday night...when i came back on sunday it looked like the closet had thrown up!!! i didn't realize how messy i had left my apartment. MUST clean my apartment TONIGHT!!! it's such a beautiful day though, maybe i'll take a walk down by the lake...NO!!! MUST clean apartment!!!! MUST.

so the wedding was nice. mr. jillipooh looked gorgeous!!! she looked like she had jumped out of the Bride's magazine. if she wouldn't have been getting married i would have been all over her ;-) hehehehee. anywho, the company, the food, the music, and the drinks were all great!! i had soooo much fun. i have to say that i once again noticed that i was one of the two minorities in the room. at one point, both mr. hk and i looked at each other without having to say anything but knowing exactly what we were thinking. seriously, though i'm already use to it so i don't get bothered as much anymore. i did however compare, in my mind, this wedding and the mexican wedding i went to last week. the mexican wedding was nice and fun but i didn't really enjoy myself as much as i did in ms. jillipoohs wedding. i mean i was with my peeps at the mexican wedding hmmm? wonder what that's about. MUST look into that...not now though. i don't want to think for a few days :-)

things with the 23 year old are simmering down, like i knew they would. mr. 23 y/o is still growing up and still has alot to experience....things that i have already experienced and don't want to go through again...i'm not willing to be a mentor. is that selfish? we still talk and hang out but really i think he should be out with people his own age...to live life!! i've suggested we go to places where people his age hang out but then I feel out of place once we get there. it's just wierd.

things with mr. colombiano are going better than what i thought they would. i will be going to my friends cabin this weekend and i've invited him to come with. however he has classes on saturdays so he's not sure if he will be able to make it...he's trying to get out of it though because he "really wants to be with me this weekend"...whatever dude!!! you just think you're going to get lucky!!!hmm? well if he goes, maybe he will...hehehehee. he has been really sweet. he came over when i sprained my ankle to "take care" of me. aaaawwww, how sweet is that? also on sunday when i came back from michigan he called to see if he could come over because he "really wanted to see me because he had missed me"....aaaaawwww, super sweet. i was on the phone with him 'til 1 in the morning last night. hmmm? yeah, he will definetly get lucky if he ends up coming with me this weekend!!! i love it when he tells me that i'm "hot!!"...i don't consider myself to be so when he tells me i get embarrassed.

my brother-in-law is doing much better but now he has to apply for ssdi because he no longer can work. he is not taking any of this too well. he's been moody and irritable to the point that my poor sister has to leave the house for a couple of hours just to get a break from him. oh, my poor sister.

i'll be having my annual housewarming party on the 14th!!! yay for me!!!! i'll be having a contest..who ever brings me the most creative drinking glass gets a huuuuge prize that will involve me ;-P!!!!! i love it!!! i'm a bit concerned about kachito though. he just does not like it when people are in the apartment and i don't want anybody torturing him like some people did on my b-day party. gotta think about that one. i'm still working on the menu, i have decided though that i will only have appetizers. not sure if i only want mexican appetizers or if i should also get american appetizers, you know like wings, and cheese sticks and stuff like that. hmm? gotta think about that one too.

it's friday!!!!

2006-09-29T11:07:00.000-07:00

well my fellow bloggers i continue to feel like crap!!! my cold is getting worse, my ankle is still swollen and my knee still hurts BUT i'm planning on have fun this weekend!!! DAMN IT!!!

i'm going to a wedding in michigan this weekend. i leave tomorrow morning to come back sunday evening.

yeah, my head is hurting and my eyes are itchy and watery!!! i will leave you with that.

have a good weekend bloggers...

the week from hell!!

2006-09-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

i've had the most horrible week ever!!! okay i'm just being dramatic but i was in alot of pain!! i sprained my ankle!!! i missed a step as i was going down the stairs and fell down. i hurt my knee and my ankle. i had x-rays done and everything seems to be okay. now i'm coming down with a cold!!! aaaahhhhh!!! i hate getting sick!!! my head hurts, my sinuses are all stuffed up and i'm hungry!!!! okay can do something about me being hungry but like i said before i'm just being dramatic.

on to other news....so i went to a job interview. yay for me!! i got the job and i will be starting in two weeks!!! yay for me!!! i will be working with diabetes population that live in pilsen and little village!!!! i'll be a research asssitant...i'm really looking forward to this job. it's only a part time so i won't be leaving my current job...which is going pretty well so far.

haaayyyy, i have a horrible headache so i'll continue laters...